Rebirth! Kinda, a little bit.

Today I feel good. Moreover, I feel inspired. I feel happy. I feel like I'm in control again. Like really. In control. I haven't felt like this all summer, even during the short fasts I've done. In order for me to do a successful fast, there has to be something that just clicks inside me and makes it easy. I've been waiting for it to happen all summer, but I think it's been stifled by being home, surrounded by food and family, and all the stress and disappointment I feel about my summer not going at all the way I planned.

I will starve myself thin.

I will lose enough weight for my boyfriend to notice.

I will I will I will I will Iwill I will I will

I have more family coming into town this week and again next week. Ridiculous. I plan to use the raw fruit/veggie diet excuse to get out of eating family dinners which are the worst. I'd like to make it through the rest of July secretly fasting and then I can openly fast through August. Or something. I can't plan things exactly when I'm so surrounded by people who want to fatten me up. Damn.

I've neglected the blog world since I've been sulking underneath this black cloud, but I'll do some catching up today. Swear.

P.S. I promise to do put together some information on fasting in my next post, specifically extended fasting (like more than ten days) for those of you who have asked for it.

List One

Sorry for being away so long. I had family in town and got all sorts of busy. And honestly I haven't been in a blogging/writing/sharing mood lately. I'm still not. But I'm unwilling to abandon my blogging ways. Instead of a boring post about my boring life, have a list.

Why I hate Food

1. Food makes me Fat.
2. Eating Food makes my stomach feel full and sick and disgusting.
3. Eating Food immediately makes my face puffed up and Fat.
4. Eating Food makes me lose Control.
5. Food makes me Fat.
6. I hate using the restroom if the setting isn't completely private. Not eating Food means I never have to.
7. I adore the weak, faint feeling that starvation gives me. Eating Food takes this away.
8. Food makes me Fat.
9. There is no Food that can taste good enough to be worth eating, worth taking me farther from my goals.
10. The smell of Food often makes me nauseous.
11. I hate thinking about what I look to other people when I'm eating. Putting Food in your mouth just can't be pretty.
12. I hate how other people look when they're eating Food. Gross.
13. Food makes me fat.
14. Eating Food always makes me feel self-loathing, guilty, and weighed down with the regret.
15. Most of all, Food makes me fat.

46

I only have time for a very quick post tonight. Since I've been struggling so much I feel that I must must update every day and not allow myself any slack.

I have survived Independence Day without any food or family suspicion. I spent the whole day with my mother and she thought I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am a pro. It's very exciting to hide my starvation so well.

Unfortunately I have all this family coming into town this Tuesday and I'm not sure how easy it will be to avoid food. I'll just have to keep making up excuses to leave before dinner. I hate to not get to spend as much time with them, but I have to focus on the important things.

Thin. This is what matters.

I will have to catch up on comments tomorrow when I'm not rushed. Stay strong girls. <3

47 to go....

I don't want to write about this. I really really don't. It would have been so easy to keep going and pretend it didn't happen. But it did happen. I know because my throat is still burning. Three purges in one freaking day. What the hell is that? It's not me.

I can starve myself. I can go weeks and weeks without eating. I can embrace the permanent headache, the upset stomach, the dizziness, the weakness. I can get a thrill from the fainting spells. I can love starvation.

So why do I keep ruining it?

I told myself 47 days, so 47 days I will do. Consecutively. My raw throat makes me sound like I'm sick, so I can use that as an excuse to have no appetite and make it through this 4th of July weekend. I will not eat any disgusting hot dogs. I solemnly swear.

I was planning to resurrect some old posts I'd made about fasting to share with those of you who are also fasting or would just like some info, but now I feel totally unqualified to offer any advice on it. Maybe after I've made it through a solid week on just water I'll get my confidence back.

2 Down 45 to Go

Going to be counting down instead of up this time. Seems more satisfying somehow.

My new jeans, my previously very tight jeans, are starting to loosen. I love the way it feels for the fabric to be hanging off my legs.

Thanks for all of the encouraging comments! Jamie, I would love for you to fast with me. Email me if you'd like: estoescontrol@gmail.com. I've done a ton of research on fasting and have made it through a few long ones, so I'd love to offer anyone advice or support or whatever you need. Cat, good luck with your plan too! I will have to go check out what you're doing. Effing gorgeous is right!

Short post today. Stay strong gals! <3

The New Plan

The New Plan (which is naturally purple) is going to be pure. I almost two weeks of near fasting, but the little cheats I did cost me. I have to restrict all the way. Or I end up binging. Like yesterday. But we're not going to talk about that. Not even think about it.

I will continue to secretly fast this week and next at least, so for around 12 days
I will then announce to my family that I am doing a fast and continue to starve until the 14th of August
Raw fruit and veggie diet until I go back to school, about two weeks

There it is. In all it's glory. It will be my most ambitious fast yet. Today until August 14th makes a total of 47 days. This random number is just because this is the longest I think I can pull it off without upsetting my family.

There will be no cheating allowed. No chewing and spitting, no binging and purging, no just having one taste, no nothing. Only water.

The New Plan also requires that I change my blog look. I'm way bored with this one and even though I have no idea how to do anything because I am basically like your grandmother when it comes to computer technology, I will make it FabUlous! Just you wait.

Let's play Name Eva's New Blog!! Best suggestion for a new blog name wins my eternal love and devotion. Plus some fun link to your blog or something like that.

I'm thinking that figuring out how to revamp this thing will take me about 47 days. Something to work on and distract me from food during my fast. By the time I'm done my blog and I will be transformed!

Do you think this layout makes my blog look fat?


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Haha, sorry it looks like a circus. Will work on it more later. <3

So Over

What an awful ugly disgusting fat binging failure I am.

Tomorrow I will introduce you to The New Plan. Tonight I must take the time to wallow in my self loathing.