Another Fast to Break

The fourth day. No food. I feel empty, not from lack of food. I feel empty from lack of life, if that even makes sense. And I don't feel hungry for food or life.

I will have to eat this week. My mother is already suspicious of my eating habits since every time she's come to my apartment the fridge has been completely devoid of food. I can't be there with all my family and not eat.

I hate that I'll have to start over. I've made it four days just to give it all up and have to give up food all over again next week. At least now I have you all here to help me get back to starvation. I can do it.

I may not blog while I'm home. I will just try to enjoy my family and not hate myself for eating.

Honor your mothers tomorrow. They tend to do the best they can even though it can be so wrong.

Isn't Hungry Delicious?

I made it through the day. It's only the second consecutive day of not eating, but now making it two days is a huge accomplishment for me. I've tried to fast countless times since I stopped blogging. It seems like I pledged myself to a new dance with starvation every morning and broke the pledge at least by evening every day.

Now I'm dizzy again. Standing up makes me feel light headed, weak, small. I still feel like a whale and it will take at least a full month of fasting for me to even begin to feel comfortable in my body again, but at least this is a start. I just want to be happy, I want to be the thinner version of myself. The version that laughs, sings, leaves her apartment. Fat makes me reclusive, and I hate it.

I have to go home for mother's day and will have to eat some while I'm home, unfortunately. But once I come back I'm going to really do a long fast. I'm going to break my old record.

Well, I'm going to break two old records: number of days without food and lowest weight. I know that I can. And being back to this community, I feel like I'm breathing inspiration.

I just have to be thin. I can't live this way. I just can't.

But She Wouldn't Go Away.

I stopped writing and now I'm coming back as almost the exact same person I was when I started. Proof that I need this.

It's amazing to see all the new followers I have and to know people were reading my words, thinking of the things I accomplished, and maybe being inspired by them even when I was so far away from that beautiful I achieved. I came back to this blog on a whim and seeing new comments and new readers inspired me. I feel like I've been pulled out of the muck.

I can hardly stand the person I've become now, what all the weight and fat does to me. It goes far beyond what I look like. Ugly on the outside makes me ugly on the inside, too. I can't just keep hiding in my apartment, eating, gaining, dying. If I don't get control now, maybe I won't ever be able to.

Sorry about the melodrama, but you can't blame me for it. I have an eating disorder, you know.

All I've had today was black coffee, splenda, and crystal light. The perfect day to start a fast. I'm taking summer classes, which will give me three uninterrupted months. I will fast through most of it. I just have to see my hair start falling out again or I don't know what I will do.

I'm happy to see so many of you still here and writing. Some constants are nice, and I'm sorry I haven't been one. I can't wait to get caught up on your lives and your progress and also to read the new blogs in Ana Town.

I think my blog is due for a makeover. I'm thinking yellow. <3

Post Dental Post

I went and I'm glad that I did. My dentist was exceptionally nice about the whole thing. I just went ahead and told her I was bulimic from the get go. Well, first I asked about the confidentiality thing, and you gals were right. She's legally obligated not to tell. I told her that I had it under control now. I hope that's true, but it's most likely a lie.

Anyway, the good news is that my teeth are pretty much awesome. I don't even really have any enamel problems. I have a couple of tiny cavities, which does kind of suck since I've never had any before, but still most people get cavities just from normal eating. I had to hurl hundreds of times to get any. Gross. Oh well.

So, if any of you have been avoiding the dentist for the same reason I was, don't do it! You should definitely go and get your teeth taken care of. They can't lock you up or tell anyone or really do anything, just recommend a counselor or something and make sure your teeth stay as healthy as possible. No point in being thin and beautiful if your teeth are ew! This message brought to you by Eva, your friendly neighborhood bulimic, taking care of skinny bitches.

I'm so TiRed. Been stay up late every single night since I moved back home and I need some catch up sleep. I also need to do a post holiday fast. I'm going to try to fast until Christmas, even though my birthday is coming up this week. I'm just going to tell my mom I don't want any cake because of all the Thanksgiving splurges.

<3 <3 <3 Tomorrow will be a good for starving. I can feel it.

Whatever Will I Do?

I'm not even going to bother apologizing/explaining another long absence. I'm just going to hop right back into it and see how that goes.

I have this dilemma looming ahead of me. Looming very closely actually. Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment. I have been bulimic off and on for the past two years maybe. I've gone months without purging and months of purging every day, so I'm not really sure how bad it is. I have a feeling that it's pretty easy for a dentist to see though. I could call and cancel my appointment, but unfortunately my mother has one scheduled for the later that afternoon with the same dentist, so she's bound to find out if I cancel and then I'll have to explain that, which I'm very bad at.

I guess the big question is whether or not the dentist has the right to tell my mother. I'm not a minor, so it seems like it should be private, patient privileged or whatever. Has anyone had to go through this already? As long as the dentist can't rat me out to anyone, I don't care so much if he knows. I mean, it's still a bit shameful and awful, but I'd rather get my teeth taken care of because I'm sure they need it.

Right now I plan to go, but I'm going to try to find out more about what the dentist would be able to do about it. If anyone knows, I'd love to get the low-down.

I love you girls, truly. I absolutely will post tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. <3>

I'm Just Not Hungry, Pumpkin.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

Dear, I am Absolutely Stuffed.

I am sitting in the computer lab of my school using my hair as a curtain to hide my crying.

I am so sorry I've been away for so long. I've still been reading, keeping caught up with everyone's progress. I just haven't felt as though I deserved to blog. I can only stand writing my failures down so many times.

I also fear that my identity may have been compromised. I think my boyfriend saw my blog on my computer, though it would have only been for a moment. If he caught the title and looked it up, he'd have no question as to the author. I'm sure he knows a lot more about me than I've told him anyway and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm trying to just put that out of my mind.

I'm fat. Gaining more weight everyday. And I feel so helpless against it. What a ridiculous way to feel! I'm doing all of this. Every bite is my choice. Every time I eat I hate myself for it. But everyday I eat again.

I'm more depressed than I've been in so many years and what makes it more miserable is my need to suppress it all. My boyfriend, who I live with now, is so so good to me. A few weeks ago I was cranky and moody and I couldn't stand myself at all. I can only imagine how he must have felt about me. He's too nice to ever say anything about that sort of thing, but I had to put a stop to it. So now I'm wearing happiness but I feel like everything else is pushing against my skin. It's bound to break me.

I just know that if I could just start fasting again everything would feel better. I'd be in control and I wouldn't feel this way anymore. But now I don't even think I'm capable. I fast for a couple days at a time, but I can never keep it. Four days is the longest I've gone. And now a whole month is over.

It's just such a waste.