Post Dental Post

I went and I'm glad that I did. My dentist was exceptionally nice about the whole thing. I just went ahead and told her I was bulimic from the get go. Well, first I asked about the confidentiality thing, and you gals were right. She's legally obligated not to tell. I told her that I had it under control now. I hope that's true, but it's most likely a lie.

Anyway, the good news is that my teeth are pretty much awesome. I don't even really have any enamel problems. I have a couple of tiny cavities, which does kind of suck since I've never had any before, but still most people get cavities just from normal eating. I had to hurl hundreds of times to get any. Gross. Oh well.

So, if any of you have been avoiding the dentist for the same reason I was, don't do it! You should definitely go and get your teeth taken care of. They can't lock you up or tell anyone or really do anything, just recommend a counselor or something and make sure your teeth stay as healthy as possible. No point in being thin and beautiful if your teeth are ew! This message brought to you by Eva, your friendly neighborhood bulimic, taking care of skinny bitches.

I'm so TiRed. Been stay up late every single night since I moved back home and I need some catch up sleep. I also need to do a post holiday fast. I'm going to try to fast until Christmas, even though my birthday is coming up this week. I'm just going to tell my mom I don't want any cake because of all the Thanksgiving splurges.

<3 <3 <3 Tomorrow will be a good for starving. I can feel it.

Whatever Will I Do?

I'm not even going to bother apologizing/explaining another long absence. I'm just going to hop right back into it and see how that goes.

I have this dilemma looming ahead of me. Looming very closely actually. Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment. I have been bulimic off and on for the past two years maybe. I've gone months without purging and months of purging every day, so I'm not really sure how bad it is. I have a feeling that it's pretty easy for a dentist to see though. I could call and cancel my appointment, but unfortunately my mother has one scheduled for the later that afternoon with the same dentist, so she's bound to find out if I cancel and then I'll have to explain that, which I'm very bad at.

I guess the big question is whether or not the dentist has the right to tell my mother. I'm not a minor, so it seems like it should be private, patient privileged or whatever. Has anyone had to go through this already? As long as the dentist can't rat me out to anyone, I don't care so much if he knows. I mean, it's still a bit shameful and awful, but I'd rather get my teeth taken care of because I'm sure they need it.

Right now I plan to go, but I'm going to try to find out more about what the dentist would be able to do about it. If anyone knows, I'd love to get the low-down.

I love you girls, truly. I absolutely will post tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. <3>

I'm Just Not Hungry, Pumpkin.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

Dear, I am Absolutely Stuffed.

I am sitting in the computer lab of my school using my hair as a curtain to hide my crying.

I am so sorry I've been away for so long. I've still been reading, keeping caught up with everyone's progress. I just haven't felt as though I deserved to blog. I can only stand writing my failures down so many times.

I also fear that my identity may have been compromised. I think my boyfriend saw my blog on my computer, though it would have only been for a moment. If he caught the title and looked it up, he'd have no question as to the author. I'm sure he knows a lot more about me than I've told him anyway and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm trying to just put that out of my mind.

I'm fat. Gaining more weight everyday. And I feel so helpless against it. What a ridiculous way to feel! I'm doing all of this. Every bite is my choice. Every time I eat I hate myself for it. But everyday I eat again.

I'm more depressed than I've been in so many years and what makes it more miserable is my need to suppress it all. My boyfriend, who I live with now, is so so good to me. A few weeks ago I was cranky and moody and I couldn't stand myself at all. I can only imagine how he must have felt about me. He's too nice to ever say anything about that sort of thing, but I had to put a stop to it. So now I'm wearing happiness but I feel like everything else is pushing against my skin. It's bound to break me.

I just know that if I could just start fasting again everything would feel better. I'd be in control and I wouldn't feel this way anymore. But now I don't even think I'm capable. I fast for a couple days at a time, but I can never keep it. Four days is the longest I've gone. And now a whole month is over.

It's just such a waste.

Sugar, Just One More Bite.

I'm posting from my uncle's house, so I must make this quick. I'm mid way through my epic drive back to the mountains and back to school and hopefully back to total control. I'm equipped with beautiful new red hair (dyed from my natural blonde) and fabulous new shoes. Perfect motivators.

I'm going on a trip with my boyfriend on Friday and not sure when I'll be able to post again. I am sure that I'll be enormous when I come back. Bleh. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it. Just need to enjoy the vacation and not ruin it with anxiety about food. It's horrible that I can't wait for our romantic trip to be over so I can start starving myself again. I sometimes do wish that my eating disorder would allow me to enjoy some aspects of my life a bit more. Oh well. Thin thin thin.

I love you girls and am thinking about y'all. Stay strong and gorgeous. Gotta go before I get caught. <3

Sweetie, Don't You Think That's Plenty?

It's like three in the morning and I am ExAusTed, but I keep swearing to myself that I'll blog and then the day slips away from me without a singled word blogged. Also, I've had a revalation about the inner working of my so very fabulous eating disorder. I think, however, that I'm too tired for all that tonight. I'm such a tease! What else can you expect from a gal who strokes the phone bone?

Most importantly, I must brag that I've lost ten pounds. Now I know that most of that is water weight and the scale is lying to me and I haven't lost ten pounds of fat and fat is what really matters and and and I don't care! Just so relieved to see the numbers. But really. Really! What else can you expect from a gal who starves herself?

This is all I have in my tonight. CA, I am absolutely in love with you for elevating me to rockstar status! I am so flattered. Too much. <3!>

It'll Just Go Straight to Your Hips, Honey.

I weighed myself today. I haven't weighed in like two months. I've been so out of control and so terrified to see the damage I'd done. I was totally expecting to have gained twenty pounds. And I didn't feel like I was exaggerating. I think I look that fat. But it was only five. Five is still a tragedy, but one that I can overcome. I can totally handle five.

My out of control fatty fatterson train of thought went straight from "Thank God it's only five!" to "now it's okay if I lose just one day of fasting." What the hell! I even walked myself into the kitchen to eat something. Thankfully I discovered where my head had gone and walked right back out. I still have just enough time to be a tiny bit thinner when I see my boyfriend. It's already six o'clock. I can make it through the day.

I made my bed, I've worked my list. Been somewhat productive while still shutting myself in the house. I'm house sitting all week so I don't have to see anyone at all or go anywhere. I can avoid every temptation except myself. This is literally my last chance to make anything out of my summer. I absolutely have to fast the rest of my time here. Only three weeks. That's nothhing.

God I can't wait to get out of the South.

I'm so thrilled about all the comments I got on my last post. Seriously gals, y'all totally rock my world. And I've really had a huge surge of new followers, this also really floats my boat.

Savory, we totally need to get planning for our Ana Loft/Commune. I love cabinets for closets! All the money we save on food can go to skinny jeans and shoes. Life will be so wonderful.

Off to go blog reading. I have a bunch to catch up on. Can't wait to see how everyone is doing!