I am sitting in the computer lab of my school using my hair as a curtain to hide my crying.
I am so sorry I've been away for so long. I've still been reading, keeping caught up with everyone's progress. I just haven't felt as though I deserved to blog. I can only stand writing my failures down so many times.
I also fear that my identity may have been compromised. I think my boyfriend saw my blog on my computer, though it would have only been for a moment. If he caught the title and looked it up, he'd have no question as to the author. I'm sure he knows a lot more about me than I've told him anyway and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm trying to just put that out of my mind.
I'm fat. Gaining more weight everyday. And I feel so helpless against it. What a ridiculous way to feel! I'm doing all of this. Every bite is my choice. Every time I eat I hate myself for it. But everyday I eat again.
I'm more depressed than I've been in so many years and what makes it more miserable is my need to suppress it all. My boyfriend, who I live with now, is so so good to me. A few weeks ago I was cranky and moody and I couldn't stand myself at all. I can only imagine how he must have felt about me. He's too nice to ever say anything about that sort of thing, but I had to put a stop to it. So now I'm wearing happiness but I feel like everything else is pushing against my skin. It's bound to break me.
I just know that if I could just start fasting again everything would feel better. I'd be in control and I wouldn't feel this way anymore. But now I don't even think I'm capable. I fast for a couple days at a time, but I can never keep it. Four days is the longest I've gone. And now a whole month is over.
It's just such a waste.