Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dear, I am Absolutely Stuffed.

I am sitting in the computer lab of my school using my hair as a curtain to hide my crying.

I am so sorry I've been away for so long. I've still been reading, keeping caught up with everyone's progress. I just haven't felt as though I deserved to blog. I can only stand writing my failures down so many times.

I also fear that my identity may have been compromised. I think my boyfriend saw my blog on my computer, though it would have only been for a moment. If he caught the title and looked it up, he'd have no question as to the author. I'm sure he knows a lot more about me than I've told him anyway and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm trying to just put that out of my mind.

I'm fat. Gaining more weight everyday. And I feel so helpless against it. What a ridiculous way to feel! I'm doing all of this. Every bite is my choice. Every time I eat I hate myself for it. But everyday I eat again.

I'm more depressed than I've been in so many years and what makes it more miserable is my need to suppress it all. My boyfriend, who I live with now, is so so good to me. A few weeks ago I was cranky and moody and I couldn't stand myself at all. I can only imagine how he must have felt about me. He's too nice to ever say anything about that sort of thing, but I had to put a stop to it. So now I'm wearing happiness but I feel like everything else is pushing against my skin. It's bound to break me.

I just know that if I could just start fasting again everything would feel better. I'd be in control and I wouldn't feel this way anymore. But now I don't even think I'm capable. I fast for a couple days at a time, but I can never keep it. Four days is the longest I've gone. And now a whole month is over.

It's just such a waste.


  1. hope you feel better, it will all be ok. :)

  2. Wow it's been a long time! But I'm glad you're back (: . I'm so sorry you feel so bad, I wish I could do something to help, but at least you know that you have everyone on here that cares about you and wants you to feel better and supports you. And as for the eating, I'm sure you'll get your self-control back soon and you'll be back to fasting for soo long! You'll do great and it'll all be okay, just takes some time.

    Stay strong (:

  3. I'm glad you wrote! I know how you feel, and it sucks. You can only take it a day at a time...I believe in you!

  4. oh honey i've missed you! i'm so sorry you're depressed but know that everyone on here loves you and supports you and i bet your boyfriend loves you tons and tons too. we all just want you to be happy. don't be too hard on yourself. tomorrow is a new day and anything is possible. any time you want to talk or whatever, i'm here!


  5. i completely understand how you feel. i've been there so many times. just try to thinspire yourself again, give yourself a good kick in the butt to come back to ana. she'll always be waiting with open arms, regardless of how far you've strayed.

    stay strong, girl. you can make it. we all believe in you.
    xoxo Nikki oxox

  6. I'm glad to see you are back safe. And don't worry about it...4 days is a GREAT start. Don't force yourself. You're a strong person no matter what. <3

  7. Man, that sucks. No getting around it. I'm so, so sorry that you're feeling so depressed. Remember that all of us are here for you, know matter what you do.