Sunday, August 29, 2010

Desperate Measures

I fail dismally at not eating. I have to get into a fast again. I have all this time, that I know won't be interrupted by friends or family or forced food. I can't waste it eating.

I wonder how I could get prescription weight loss drugs. They supposedly really zap your appetite. I'd pretty much do anything at this point. I can't stand to look like this. I don't understand how I can want something this badly and keep fucking it up.


Well. I just spend way too much money on shoes I just couldn't possibly resist. I made a deal with myself: it's food or the shoes.

This better work. But I've almost made it through this night. I can fast until Thanksgiving if I just get started.

<3 Hop on board, skinny minnies!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Oh Fasting, I Hardly Even Recognize You

The good news is: I'm back. Again. I know this routine of returns is getting old; I'm just not ready to go steady.

The bad new is: I can't promise I won't be eating plenty of Chinese food tonight.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Promise I'm Not Hungry

So I fasted. 28 days. I don't know how much weight I lost, I'm still avoiding the scale like the plague and since I don't know my start weight, seems pointless to weigh now. I'll be able to spot Thin if it ever shows up on my body anyway. But I do know that I can almost slide my jeans off without undoing them. My hips are the last place I lose weight, so when it becomes noticeable there, I know it's a significant number.

I'm scared to try on my smaller jeans, even though they have to fit. I'm really not all that excited about the weight I've lost this time around. I already lost this weight before; I can't get over being angry at myself for having to lose it again.

So I started out breaking my fast fairly well. A good first two days of slowly eating little bits of food at a time. But last night I ate a little more than I planned and I started feeling all the old anxiety that comes with eating. Everything in my fridge is health food, and binging after a month of only water is a very different sort of binge. But it didn't matter. I felt stuffed and fat. I was freaking out about every bite and every pound I know I still have to lose. I ate more in a frenzy.

It was a very good purge. I actually felt totally empty when I finished and could calm down. I hate not fasting. I wish I could I just fast forever and never have to feel all of this crazy. Food really messes with my head. You all talk about how strong I am, but the truth is that I fast because I'm too weak to handle eating.

So, today I'm fasting again. I need to get calm again. I might try out eating again tomorrow and see how it goes, but maybe I'll try to fast then too. I really should eat because I have friends coming to visit this weekend. I won't be able to avoid eating and I don't want to be sick from it.

I was happy about seeing these people I love and haven't seen in forever, but now I find myself just looking forward to being left alone again so I can fast. This really is a horrible existence. I wonder if it will ever even be worth it.

Anyway, I'll probably update tomorrow. I might not be able to make it through tonight without eating. I usually fast with a kitchen full of nothing, facing all the food there won't be easy. We'll see. But after tomorrow I'll have another bit of a break. But I'm planning to fast again as soon as I can. I still want to get into 40 days, beat my record.

Much skinny love to everyone. Your encouragement is amazing, thank you. <3