I'm posting from my uncle's house, so I must make this quick. I'm mid way through my epic drive back to the mountains and back to school and hopefully back to total control. I'm equipped with beautiful new red hair (dyed from my natural blonde) and fabulous new shoes. Perfect motivators.
I'm going on a trip with my boyfriend on Friday and not sure when I'll be able to post again. I am sure that I'll be enormous when I come back. Bleh. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it. Just need to enjoy the vacation and not ruin it with anxiety about food. It's horrible that I can't wait for our romantic trip to be over so I can start starving myself again. I sometimes do wish that my eating disorder would allow me to enjoy some aspects of my life a bit more. Oh well. Thin thin thin.
I love you girls and am thinking about y'all. Stay strong and gorgeous. Gotta go before I get caught. <3
Thursday, August 13, 2009
It's like three in the morning and I am ExAusTed, but I keep swearing to myself that I'll blog and then the day slips away from me without a singled word blogged. Also, I've had a revalation about the inner working of my so very fabulous eating disorder. I think, however, that I'm too tired for all that tonight. I'm such a tease! What else can you expect from a gal who strokes the phone bone?
Most importantly, I must brag that I've lost ten pounds. Now I know that most of that is water weight and the scale is lying to me and I haven't lost ten pounds of fat and fat is what really matters and and and I don't care! Just so relieved to see the numbers. But really. Really! What else can you expect from a gal who starves herself?
This is all I have in my tonight. CA, I am absolutely in love with you for elevating me to rockstar status! I am so flattered. Too much. <3!>
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I weighed myself today. I haven't weighed in like two months. I've been so out of control and so terrified to see the damage I'd done. I was totally expecting to have gained twenty pounds. And I didn't feel like I was exaggerating. I think I look that fat. But it was only five. Five is still a tragedy, but one that I can overcome. I can totally handle five.
My out of control fatty fatterson train of thought went straight from "Thank God it's only five!" to "now it's okay if I lose just one day of fasting." What the hell! I even walked myself into the kitchen to eat something. Thankfully I discovered where my head had gone and walked right back out. I still have just enough time to be a tiny bit thinner when I see my boyfriend. It's already six o'clock. I can make it through the day.
I made my bed, I've worked my list. Been somewhat productive while still shutting myself in the house. I'm house sitting all week so I don't have to see anyone at all or go anywhere. I can avoid every temptation except myself. This is literally my last chance to make anything out of my summer. I absolutely have to fast the rest of my time here. Only three weeks. That's nothhing.
God I can't wait to get out of the South.
I'm so thrilled about all the comments I got on my last post. Seriously gals, y'all totally rock my world. And I've really had a huge surge of new followers, this also really floats my boat.
Savory, we totally need to get planning for our Ana Loft/Commune. I love cabinets for closets! All the money we save on food can go to skinny jeans and shoes. Life will be so wonderful.
Off to go blog reading. I have a bunch to catch up on. Can't wait to see how everyone is doing!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Hello you skinny things.
I'm sorry for yet another long lapse. My mother didn't murder me, though I appreciate the concern, Ancora. She didn't do anything, in fact. I came home the next day, expecting her to be at work, only to find her car parked in its spot. I almost didn't even go inside. But she acted like nothing happened, and so, of course, I did too. I checked the phone and the caller ID just said something like: Toll Free Number. Maybe she didn't answer it/slept through it. I can't ask her, so I'll never know.
The elephant in the room remains and even grew larger thanks to another nearly earth shattering incident. I had been chatting with the boyfriend online and went off for a bit to do something or other. I come back and he says, "Where's your phone? Someone who definitely isn't you just answered it." I haven't mentioned the boyfriend to my mother because I'm like barely legal and he's approaching thirty and I guess I just like my freaking privacy. Fuck you, mom.
So I go downstairs and she's pretending nothing happened. I pick up my cell phone and she's been going through my call list looking at all the people I've talked to and it's obvious that she just closed it really fast when she heard me coming down the stairs. I glared at her and stormed up to my room, making it clear I knew what happened. I was so mad but I just don't have the guts to confront her about it. I hate myself for it. She has no right to do that. Nosy Bitch. And again, I know what she did. She knows that I know. And here we are. I think the elephant has loud polka dots too.
Blah blah blah. My mom is awful. I'm a wimp. That's enough of that drama. Back to the Eating Disorder.
Part of the reason I haven't been posting much is that I'm so damn sick of posting the same damn thing over and over. I suck I suck I suck. I can only write about it so much and it just starts getting repetitive. This story needs a better plot. And I'm still hoping for that happy ending.
I was doing well for a little bit at some point, but another family shindig came up. Actually my Great-Great-Aunt's 87th birthday. Kind of a big deal. But it shattered the click. Totally clickless now. I'm afraid I'll never be able to fast again. And I'm going to gain it all back. And I should just lay down and die now.
I start every single day swearing I won't eat until the end of summer. Some days I make it the whole day, others I eat dinner. Sometimes I even make it a couple of days. I get light headed, dehydrated, and white-tongued, just like I like it. But then I always gorge myself on Food that doesn't even taste good.
Then I purge. Sometimes not. Sometimes I can't purge anymore. I've had to go to three fingers and I finally get what they're talking about when they say bulimics get scars on their knuckles. Last time I put a band-aid on before I did it, seemed to help. Today I hadn't eaten very much so I drank like a gallon of water to make my stomach really full so I could get it up and it actually came out my nose. How disgusting is that. I swear I've been blowing out crumbs all day. I know that this is way way too much information and I'm sorry to gross anyone out. But I can't gripe to anyone about the woes of my eating disorder. And my nose burning from vomit is a serious woe.
Why, oh why, can't I just fast?
This crazy system I'm on is so messing up my body. Starve-binge-purge-binge-binge-starve-repeat. My stomach is in turmoil. I have serious headaches all the time. My hair is falling out like crazy and I'm gaining weight. That is so not right. So. Not.
Steps For Getting On Track
(If they don't help me fast, at least I'll have accomplished something.)
1. I avoid blogging when I'm out of control. I must blog every single day!
2. Doing shit makes me feel better. Do something constructive every day. Tomorrow I will clean my room. The first step is a controlled environment.
3. Take care of my adorable dog. I may be ruining myself, but there is no excuse for neglecting my dog. Do something Fun! with her every day (walks don't count).
4. Keep track on my fast calendar. I haven't done this all summer but it used to be really effective. I had a calendar that I marked days I'd fasted and weight loss and whatever else. I love tracking my progress when I'm doing well, keeps me going.
5. Make my bed every morning. This is a small thing that just makes such a difference in my whole day. Control in anything promotes Control in food.
Maybe five things is enough. I'm not going to make any promises on the fast, since I just can't count on myself to stick to it. So I'll just go day to day. Maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I'll report on these five things tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. Have to get out of some big family dinner tomorrow night. Bleh.
It's two in the morning and I have to be up early, but I promise I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. I have to thank all of you for the support I got on that last post. I often feel like I'm a part of this Awesome Army of Ana Bitches ready to take the world on. Skinny Power!