I'm sorry for yet another long lapse. My mother didn't murder me, though I appreciate the concern, Ancora. She didn't do anything, in fact. I came home the next day, expecting her to be at work, only to find her car parked in its spot. I almost didn't even go inside. But she acted like nothing happened, and so, of course, I did too. I checked the phone and the caller ID just said something like: Toll Free Number. Maybe she didn't answer it/slept through it. I can't ask her, so I'll never know.
The elephant in the room remains and even grew larger thanks to another nearly earth shattering incident. I had been chatting with the boyfriend online and went off for a bit to do something or other. I come back and he says, "Where's your phone? Someone who definitely isn't you just answered it." I haven't mentioned the boyfriend to my mother because I'm like barely legal and he's approaching thirty and I guess I just like my freaking privacy. Fuck you, mom.
So I go downstairs and she's pretending nothing happened. I pick up my cell phone and she's been going through my call list looking at all the people I've talked to and it's obvious that she just closed it really fast when she heard me coming down the stairs. I glared at her and stormed up to my room, making it clear I knew what happened. I was so mad but I just don't have the guts to confront her about it. I hate myself for it. She has no right to do that. Nosy Bitch. And again, I know what she did. She knows that I know. And here we are. I think the elephant has loud polka dots too.
Blah blah blah. My mom is awful. I'm a wimp. That's enough of that drama. Back to the Eating Disorder.
Part of the reason I haven't been posting much is that I'm so damn sick of posting the same damn thing over and over. I suck I suck I suck. I can only write about it so much and it just starts getting repetitive. This story needs a better plot. And I'm still hoping for that happy ending.
I was doing well for a little bit at some point, but another family shindig came up. Actually my Great-Great-Aunt's 87th birthday. Kind of a big deal. But it shattered the click. Totally clickless now. I'm afraid I'll never be able to fast again. And I'm going to gain it all back. And I should just lay down and die now.
I start every single day swearing I won't eat until the end of summer. Some days I make it the whole day, others I eat dinner. Sometimes I even make it a couple of days. I get light headed, dehydrated, and white-tongued, just like I like it. But then I always gorge myself on Food that doesn't even taste good.
Then I purge. Sometimes not. Sometimes I can't purge anymore. I've had to go to three fingers and I finally get what they're talking about when they say bulimics get scars on their knuckles. Last time I put a band-aid on before I did it, seemed to help. Today I hadn't eaten very much so I drank like a gallon of water to make my stomach really full so I could get it up and it actually came out my nose. How disgusting is that. I swear I've been blowing out crumbs all day. I know that this is way way too much information and I'm sorry to gross anyone out. But I can't gripe to anyone about the woes of my eating disorder. And my nose burning from vomit is a serious woe.
Why, oh why, can't I just fast?
This crazy system I'm on is so messing up my body. Starve-binge-purge-binge-binge-starve-repeat. My stomach is in turmoil. I have serious headaches all the time. My hair is falling out like crazy and I'm gaining weight. That is so not right. So. Not.
Steps For Getting On Track
(If they don't help me fast, at least I'll have accomplished something.)
1. I avoid blogging when I'm out of control. I must blog every single day!
2. Doing shit makes me feel better. Do something constructive every day. Tomorrow I will clean my room. The first step is a controlled environment.
3. Take care of my adorable dog. I may be ruining myself, but there is no excuse for neglecting my dog. Do something Fun! with her every day (walks don't count).
4. Keep track on my fast calendar. I haven't done this all summer but it used to be really effective. I had a calendar that I marked days I'd fasted and weight loss and whatever else. I love tracking my progress when I'm doing well, keeps me going.
5. Make my bed every morning. This is a small thing that just makes such a difference in my whole day. Control in anything promotes Control in food.
Maybe five things is enough. I'm not going to make any promises on the fast, since I just can't count on myself to stick to it. So I'll just go day to day. Maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I'll report on these five things tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. Have to get out of some big family dinner tomorrow night. Bleh.
It's two in the morning and I have to be up early, but I promise I will catch up on blogs tomorrow. I have to thank all of you for the support I got on that last post. I often feel like I'm a part of this Awesome Army of Ana Bitches ready to take the world on. Skinny Power!