Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Power of The Scale

I just weighed myself for the first time in a very very long time. The Scale of Justice spit out a number lower than the high weight I had been imagining in my head. However, imagining a higher number doesn't work all that well since I knew it was too high. The number I got isn't all that disappointing, I just wonder if I can be back down to my low weight by Thanksgiving. That is what I'd like. I think I can at least get close, maybe get back into my pretty clothes.

I ordered the Scale online. In person, it's a different color, still nice. It's more modern, sleeker looking. Seems to work well. I am pleased with my purchase. At this point, I can see the weight coming off, but felt I needed the Scale to prove to myself that fasting is worth it.

Unfortunately the number I got makes me wonder how much I let myself gain. Though I try not to think of it, look forward, stay positive, I can't help but dwell. I imagine what size I might be right now if I weren't just having to lose the same weight for a second time. Quite a bummer.

I am still water fasting. I haven't been posting too much about it. Writing about not eating every day is a bit repetitive. I've lost count of the days now. I sort of like not counting. Like there is no end and no beginning to my starvation. I will be fasting until Thanksgiving at least. I really just want to fast until I hit my goal weight. I don't know if I can. Holidays are a bitch.

I'm going to go watch The Biggest Loser for a shot of inspiration. I just love watching those people get control over themselves and change their lives so drastically. Very inspiring.

All your support lifts me up, girls. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Okay to Leave Your Apartment, You Know

He's mad at me. I can tell even through the curt text message. Only two words. No period. Ignored my thank you. We talk every night, but tonight is the third night I've avoided him. The weight of his dependence on me is too much to carry around. Avoidance is how I treat everyone, it's finally his turn.

I'm such a hermit these days. I talk very little about that here. Maybe it seems like it's nothing to do with this eating disorder, but truthfully everything is to do with that. I almost only leave my apartment for class, and only if I must. Just walking to campus is cause for anxiety.

Though I am enormous and fat, I feel very small and scared walking along the edge of the sidewalk wearing my over sized jacket when it's really too warm for that. Though I feel very small, I cannot help imagining everyone's eyes on me. I wonder at what they must think of me. The judgments they might be making, and things they might think if they could actually see me, in the way no one sees me. Not even here.

Maybe it was the shrink and the the frank discussion of my disorder. It was the first time I've come face to face with everything I'm doing, the first time I've admitted it all out loud in one sitting. There's more of course, always more, but it was as much as I could divulge in an hour. Somehow now that it's all out there in the world, written across a page of his yellow legal pad, linked to me and not just a faceless blogger identity; I feel it all the more intensely. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it and how far from normal, from healthy, I've come.

My reclusive habits stem from my fat and the shame that lives in every pound. It isn't the eating disorder. I've had the eating disorder much longer than I've had this monstrous, self-inflicted loneliness. I'm inside solitude so deeply, I don't believe I could get out even if I wanted to. And now I am pushing away the one person I've relied on for actual contact.

I know I can get myself out of this. I just need to lose more weight. I just need to fit back into those lovely clothes waiting for me in my closet. My new scale will be here on Tuesday. I am going to do this. Fast until I'm happy.

Flirtations with Recovery

I went to a shrink. My university offers free counseling to students. My house guest last week (she's gone now, thank goodness) was suffering a sort of mental breakdown, hence the living with me for a bit. She's someone I've been fairly close to off and on, but no matter how little we see each other, when we do, we always seem to be able to share everything. We are both completely nuts in our own ways, we may not understand the other's mental issues, but we can listen without judgement and tell without fear of it. She's the only person who knows about my eating disorder.

The week she was with me was full of long discussions of our respective crazy. She encouraged me to see a counselor, something that had been floating around in my head for months. Then on Monday after she left, I guess the sudden influx of alone time was too difficult to resist, I had an awful binge/purge session. I think if I hadn't done that, I would not have gone to the counselor. Since I only feel crazy when I'm eating and throwing up.

But I did go. It was about an hour. I was surprisingly honest when divulging the most horrific parts of my eating disorder. I thought I might die when he asked me what food I binge on. I can't tell if it was a relief to tell him any of it or not. I feel more motivated not to purge, more motivated to fast. At the end of the session, after telling him my worst, he basically said they don't have the resources to deal with my eating disorder. And he told me I couldn't just stop purging, I'd have to stop fasting. He described the treatment which would involve doctors, a nutritionist, and an eating disorder specialist. Of course I imagine the dollar signs tied up around all that, but mostly I have this ridiculous, irrational, intense fear fill me up when I think about all that.

I didn't commit to anything, and told him I could come back for another session maybe. When I left I googled the eating disorder specialist he told me about. Reading about her detailed treatment plan really freaked me out. I'm fairly certain I won't go to another appointment. I know I'm not going to any eating disorder specialist. I guess, losing weight is much more important to me than anything else right now. Maybe when my old skinny clothes fit again I'll be more inclined to want to change. But right now, I'm still fat.

We'll see what happens. Whether I keep going to the counselor or not. For now I'm happy at least that it stopped me from going into a long binge/purge period and I'm back on track with fasting. If anyone is thinking about seeing a therapist, or a counselor, or even an eating disorder specialist, you should probably go. If you are 18 or over, they cannot force you into anything except in the most extreme circumstances of imminent danger to your life. Obviously, I can't push too hard, since once was all I could give to recovery.

It would certainly be a good thing, to recover. We should all be happy and healthy with a perfect relationship with food. I hope you all are ready for that, I'm not though. And until I am, I'm going to keep blogging. Hopefully I'll be blogging about my longest fast ever. We'll see.

Love you all. <3

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fasting Side Effects

So, it's day ten. It's been a bit shaky with my house guest staying with me all week, but I made it. I feel good. I feel safe, I know I can keep going from here and that makes me happy.

I'm going to give out some fasting information, since I've had a few requests for that sort of stuff. But if you're looking for fasting info, I have a few good posts about it somewhere in my blog. Dig it up, gals.

If you want to fast, you should try to prepare yourself for it. It isn't exactly easy. But if it were easy, everyone would be a stick. I think that if we're prepared for what our body will go through, we're more likely to stick around when things get rough. Sooo... I am going to outline every single fasting side effect/symptom I've had to cope with. Bear with me, things could get ugly. Bodily functions aren't something I usually talk about, but it's necessary for this.

There will be a couple of things that are constants during a fast. One is the lightheadedness that will come about. Standing up will pretty much always make your head spin. It usually passes quickly. It helps if you can remember to stand up slowly. I almost always forget. I have never passed out while fasting even when past the 30 day mark. Just sit down if it doesn't go away. No big deal. I actually love this side effect. It is a friendly reminder of how well I'm doing.

Another constant is bad breath and a white or yellowish tongue. It's kinda like a film that coats your tongue. Gross, but you can brush it off. Just need to scrub very thoroughly. It will come back in a few hours, just scrub it again.

Obviously hunger will be an issue, but luckily after about three or four days, it will go away. At least the physical hunger will, the psychological hunger can be incredibly intense. I find that after the first week, this dies down as well, though I've had fasts where my cravings lasted longer, but never past ten days. If you can force yourself through the first few days, it gets much easier.

Having an empty stomach all the time can create a sort of bubble in your stomach. If you done any kind of restricting, you may have already felt this. But it can cause gas, in both directions, luckily it isn't the gross sort. Odor free and quiet. Just sort of expelling the air.

If you start your fast in the healthy way, slowly reducing your calories and taking out foods, then you'll have an easier time. But if you start your fast after bingeing for a while, then you might end up with diarrhea and some slight stomach aches. I've started fasts right after bingeing a few times and it really isn't too bad. Definitely worth the weight that will just fall off.

Nausea and headaches periodically affect me during a fast. They aren't intense, but still uncomfortable. The nausea goes away quickly and has never actually caused me to throw up. Just don't let your stomach get all the way empty. Water should be your constant companion.

Speaking of water, you're going to be dehydrated. We absorb something like 60 percent of our water from food. If you aren't eating, it is impossible to not get dehydrated, no matter how much water you drink. Don't try to guzzle water. You really only need to drink around eight cups of water a day. Drinking too much and you run the risk of causing water intoxication. I find that I am thirty all the time, mostly because my throat gets dried out. But a sip is all I need. Never go anywhere without your water bottle while fasting.

Dry throat. Ugh. This is the absolute worst symptom. My throat is a bit screwed up from purging, so if you don't have that nasty habit, then hopefully it won't be such a problem during your fast. But for me, this part of fasting really sucks. My throat dries out so much it can be quite painful. And if I forget to bring me water with, it freaking sucks. Nights are also pretty bad. Eight hours of sleep means eight hours of no water. Painful to wake up to, but still bearable.

Low energy will happen. Though high energy will too. If your energy is consistently low, like too low to function, switch to juice fasting. It will make a huge difference. I always water fast, but keep juice around in case I find I really need it. Much better than eating.

Once during a fast, I was on day eleven and starting having a serious stomach ache. Serious. It hurt so bad. I was in class and had to leave. I found an empty classroom and just sat on the floor for an hour trying to make it through. Then I had to use the restroom. I'm sure most of you know about colon cleansing, well, sometimes this will happen when on a fast. Obviously if you haven't had a single calorie in eleven days, it's not a normal restroom visit. Crazy looking stuff. Gross, but being so empty is a pretty cool feeling. Once it was out of me, the stomach ache went away and I was perfectly fine. I've done many fasts that were longer than eleven days and this has only happened once. Not something to worry too much about.

Another side effect of fasting are some vivid dreams. I often wake up disoriented on a fast because my dreams feel so real I can't figure out what has and hasn't happened to me. This will happen with food dreams especially. I love this side effect.

There also comes sense of clarity. Somehow it feels as though your mind just works better on a fast. I feel peaceful, introspective. All of the anxiety that goes along with eating goes away. There is nothing like it.

I think I've covered all the things that have happened to me. But this is not an exhaustive list. Everyone's body reacts differently and you might have completely different things happen to you. Pay attention to your body and learn how to control it. Anyone can do a fast. Good luck to anyone who will be trying one. Feel free to ask any questions you have. I'll try to post more info as I make my through this fast which will hopefully be my longest yet!

One thing I love about this community is its ability to accept anyone into it's arms. I've seen all types of people blogging happily in our midsts, from the worryingly underweight to the seriously overweight and everyone in between. We have so many eating disorders represented and they are all able to find love and support here. That is something we can all be proud to be apart. So, seeing rude comments made on my blog and directed at sweet girls just trying to support me, it actually really pisses me off.

If you have chosen a path a recovery for yourself, then that's great. I totally support you. And if you want to encourage others to join you, then more power to you. But. If you think the right way to do that is by insulting those people and using hurtful language, well, you're stupid. And a bitch. We're all trying to get through life the best way we feel we can. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

That said, anyone know if there is a way to block a specific person from commenting?

Thanks for being there girls. Love you. <3

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am close to breaking my fast. It is technically day six (since it's 3am) and I really can't blow it now. I'm coping with an unexpected apartment guest. Luckily, I'm happy for the company and it's one of the only people I don't have to hide my fast from. Unluckily, she does have to eat and being around food just really isn't easy. Not easy at all.

I have to admit my failures to you, even though I'd rather tell you I had a perfect food free day. I ate a teeny tiny bit (I just typo typed hate instead of ate there) of food this evening. It was hardly anything and definitely not enough for me to not count today as a fast day. What I ate (hah, just did it again) isn't so troubling, but I am troubled by what I'm thinking about eating now. Just a couple bites and I'm already planning some ridiculous binge that will make me completely hate myself, feel totally sick and disgusting, and will keep me from losing weight.

The schemes that have been going through my head all evening. Insane. How I will go about getting gross amounts of gross food, what gross food I want to stuff myself with. I am so stupid? Over and over again. Being stupid and binging like crazy is one thing, but why do I have to go on and keep being stupid?

Typing this out, I already feel better. Who knows how I'll feel in the morning though. I have a few different topics I want to write about. Blog posts that have been floating around in my head for a while. I will try to blog first thing in the morning before I run into the stupid crazy binger in me.

I can do this. I have fasted for much longer with much more intense temptation in front of me. My jeans, which I almost couldn't button a week ago, fit much better now. If I stick to the fast they will be sagging in no time.

I'm streaming Pat Benetar lyrics in my head right now. I find her to be so empowering and I can't help but love her. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Better believe it.

Your support lights up my life. Love you all. <3

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Still Going

I have been so successful with my fast, and I'm actually really surprised. I guess my stars were more lined up than I thought. Just a couple more days and I'll pretty much be out of the tough parts.

I'm pretty tired, so actually going to go to bed at a normal hour. Just wanted to post so I don't lose track of the blog. I'm really trying to post more regularly because it really does help me stay in control.

<3 Be Beautiful. I'll do a real post soon!

Friday, October 8, 2010

A Walkthrough

I've been fasting off and on since my last post. Feeling as insane about food as always. I just can't seem to get going into a good long fast and the time just keeps on going. Soooooo... It's 6:32, only a few more hours before I have made it through another day, and this time with zero calories energizing me.

The first few days of a fast are very very difficult, but things get easier. Sometimes the stars and something inside align, and the desire to not eat overrides anything else. However, most of the time the stars and crap are just in their usual positions, and all I can think about is eating. I can't wait around getting fat for fasting mode to slug me in the face. I have to struggle through a week of total crazy to get to the other side of this where I will be light headed and wearing baggy jeans.

I will be walking you through how I make it through this grueling time. We have all read the hundred item lists of "Tips and Tricks" on all kinds of blogs and pro-Ana websites. We all know how to lose wait. We know that keeping a journal or blog, or even making your own website can really help you to blah blah blah. We know. The step we sometimes forget is actually doing all these things. So, I'm going to tell you what I do, though I hope it won't turn into another one of those lists. I'm not trying to preach to the choir, but, you know, preaching is kinda on the list.

So anyway. One of my favorite first day techniques that almost never fails is completely ruining my sleeping schedule. I never eat before noon. Mornings are easy. My cravings start really dominating me about mid afternoon and can really tear me apart in the evenings. Usually by 10pm, I feel like I've made it through the day. Even if I'm not going to bed, my brain relaxes at this point and I won't eat anything.

Sooooooo, the night before a fast I stay up. After ten I'm safe, so I just stay up until 8am or so and then I sleep the day away. The next day, day one, ends up being a very short day. And I think the schedule confuses my hunger cycle too because I rarely get hungry when I do this. Kind of a drastic approach, but it's worth it.

Just a little over three hours and I've made it tonight. Writing this post will probably give me the motivation to make it. The 30 Rock episodes on Netflix are taking care of the rest. Hopefully Day 2 will be more exciting. Obviously, I'm really tired and sluggish today. I have an Elle magazine I'm planning to cut up. I've always wanted to try the thing where you put up thinspo all over your house. I live alone now, nothing stopping me except me. I know the tips and tricks. I just have to do them.

Lately, I've been hoarding methods for keeping myself from eating. I talk myself into eating and out of watching that Biggest Loser episode. I save it for tomorrow when I'll need it. So ridiculous! I need that stuff every day. I just feel so out of control and instead of getting it back, it's like I'm avoiding it on purpose. Just not doing that crap anymore.

I could be wearing such pretty clothes right now if I hadn't done this to myself.

Wow! Haven't changed my blog's look in a while. The new options are very cool.

Love you, ladies. If you want to fast or do whatever plan and want some support, stay up all night, or whatever, I'm around, and I need you too.