I am close to breaking my fast. It is technically day six (since it's 3am) and I really can't blow it now. I'm coping with an unexpected apartment guest. Luckily, I'm happy for the company and it's one of the only people I don't have to hide my fast from. Unluckily, she does have to eat and being around food just really isn't easy. Not easy at all.
I have to admit my failures to you, even though I'd rather tell you I had a perfect food free day. I ate a teeny tiny bit (I just typo typed hate instead of ate there) of food this evening. It was hardly anything and definitely not enough for me to not count today as a fast day. What I ate (hah, just did it again) isn't so troubling, but I am troubled by what I'm thinking about eating now. Just a couple bites and I'm already planning some ridiculous binge that will make me completely hate myself, feel totally sick and disgusting, and will keep me from losing weight.
The schemes that have been going through my head all evening. Insane. How I will go about getting gross amounts of gross food, what gross food I want to stuff myself with. I am so stupid? Over and over again. Being stupid and binging like crazy is one thing, but why do I have to go on and keep being stupid?
Typing this out, I already feel better. Who knows how I'll feel in the morning though. I have a few different topics I want to write about. Blog posts that have been floating around in my head for a while. I will try to blog first thing in the morning before I run into the stupid crazy binger in me.
I can do this. I have fasted for much longer with much more intense temptation in front of me. My jeans, which I almost couldn't button a week ago, fit much better now. If I stick to the fast they will be sagging in no time.
I'm streaming Pat Benetar lyrics in my head right now. I find her to be so empowering and I can't help but love her. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Better believe it.
Your support lights up my life. Love you all. <3