Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mayday

I am close to breaking my fast. It is technically day six (since it's 3am) and I really can't blow it now. I'm coping with an unexpected apartment guest. Luckily, I'm happy for the company and it's one of the only people I don't have to hide my fast from. Unluckily, she does have to eat and being around food just really isn't easy. Not easy at all.

I have to admit my failures to you, even though I'd rather tell you I had a perfect food free day. I ate a teeny tiny bit (I just typo typed hate instead of ate there) of food this evening. It was hardly anything and definitely not enough for me to not count today as a fast day. What I ate (hah, just did it again) isn't so troubling, but I am troubled by what I'm thinking about eating now. Just a couple bites and I'm already planning some ridiculous binge that will make me completely hate myself, feel totally sick and disgusting, and will keep me from losing weight.

The schemes that have been going through my head all evening. Insane. How I will go about getting gross amounts of gross food, what gross food I want to stuff myself with. I am so stupid? Over and over again. Being stupid and binging like crazy is one thing, but why do I have to go on and keep being stupid?

Typing this out, I already feel better. Who knows how I'll feel in the morning though. I have a few different topics I want to write about. Blog posts that have been floating around in my head for a while. I will try to blog first thing in the morning before I run into the stupid crazy binger in me.

I can do this. I have fasted for much longer with much more intense temptation in front of me. My jeans, which I almost couldn't button a week ago, fit much better now. If I stick to the fast they will be sagging in no time.

I'm streaming Pat Benetar lyrics in my head right now. I find her to be so empowering and I can't help but love her. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Better believe it.

Your support lights up my life. Love you all. <3

5 comments:

  1. Stay strong beautiful!
    Just completely avoid food, don't enter the kitchen, when I get to that stage in a fast, I never let my self near the kitchen, fill your glass of water in the bathroom and lock yourself away! You can do this, the end result is worth much more than any food!
    Sure a cupcake might look delicious, but nothing says irresitable more than thin!

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  2. Lo, you're sick, as is Eva. You know you're really beautiful when you're in hysterical tears because your hair won't stop falling out and your skin's literally peeling off in the shower. Yeah, fucking irresistable.

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    Replies
    1. reading this 2 years later... and you piss me off. you don't like it then why do you even read it?

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  3. heyy, i've read all of your blog posts and you're amazing, although i know you don't think that :) i'm thinking about having 1 day fasts every 4 days, do you think that it would help me lose consistent weight? don't think i can handle the lengths of the fasts that you take haha.

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  4. i've been able to fast for only like 3 days at a time without binging, how did u train urself to do such longer fasts???

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