Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Okay to Leave Your Apartment, You Know

He's mad at me. I can tell even through the curt text message. Only two words. No period. Ignored my thank you. We talk every night, but tonight is the third night I've avoided him. The weight of his dependence on me is too much to carry around. Avoidance is how I treat everyone, it's finally his turn.

I'm such a hermit these days. I talk very little about that here. Maybe it seems like it's nothing to do with this eating disorder, but truthfully everything is to do with that. I almost only leave my apartment for class, and only if I must. Just walking to campus is cause for anxiety.

Though I am enormous and fat, I feel very small and scared walking along the edge of the sidewalk wearing my over sized jacket when it's really too warm for that. Though I feel very small, I cannot help imagining everyone's eyes on me. I wonder at what they must think of me. The judgments they might be making, and things they might think if they could actually see me, in the way no one sees me. Not even here.

Maybe it was the shrink and the the frank discussion of my disorder. It was the first time I've come face to face with everything I'm doing, the first time I've admitted it all out loud in one sitting. There's more of course, always more, but it was as much as I could divulge in an hour. Somehow now that it's all out there in the world, written across a page of his yellow legal pad, linked to me and not just a faceless blogger identity; I feel it all the more intensely. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it and how far from normal, from healthy, I've come.

My reclusive habits stem from my fat and the shame that lives in every pound. It isn't the eating disorder. I've had the eating disorder much longer than I've had this monstrous, self-inflicted loneliness. I'm inside solitude so deeply, I don't believe I could get out even if I wanted to. And now I am pushing away the one person I've relied on for actual contact.

I know I can get myself out of this. I just need to lose more weight. I just need to fit back into those lovely clothes waiting for me in my closet. My new scale will be here on Tuesday. I am going to do this. Fast until I'm happy.


  1. Honestly, I think ED is a coping mechanism for various things. Some people deal with stress by having icecream with their friends yet for us we starve or (in my case) buy delicious, disgustingly high sugar/fat content food, eat it and throw it up. And the last two aren't really sociable, except on here where people can't tell you off for it!

  2. i always hope that each pound i lose will lead me a little closer to happiness. and i'll keep on going no matter what it takes. but you should know that even if this blogging community is only witness to a very small portion of yourself, we are all still here to support you. i wish you the best.

  3. Oh honey, if only you could realise how much I agree with you in the whole avoiding thing! I keep pushing people away from me, and then feel so lonely. I even get terrified going out lately.
    I know how this is... it sucks

    I want you to know that I am here for you, reading your blog and supporting you. Feel free to talk to me if you need someone okay?

    lots of hugs,

  4. I know how you feel, babe. SO much.
    It sucks really bad, but I and so many others are all here for you. We want you to be happy, and I'm sure you know that.
    Do what makes YOU happy.

  5. I've read all of your posts today and I can't find the words to express how wonderful you are. I've found you so indpiring that I've decided to finally start 30-day Juice fast.
    I'm water fasting today (just to kick it off) and then starting juice fast from tomorrow on.
    If I'll have 10% of your self-control and will, I'll be satisfied.
    I'm coming from Europe so I hope you'll have understanding for my spelling/grammar mistakes. :)
    Also, I've added you on Facebook.
    Keep up the good work.
    You're writing style is wondeful.


  6. i dont really have anything to say, i just wanted u to know that i've been reading ur blog, every word, every post. forever and always <3

    -happiness <3

  7. I feel exactly the same way.. Very much so today especially. You aren't alone in feeling this way at all.