Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Unraveling

I am falling apart. Just functioning is a struggle I'm not sure I can overcome. I don't want to fail all of my classes. But it's all I can do to pull myself out of bed and often I don't. How can I study or do projects?

At least I can still starve. If only I could do more than that.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Power of The Scale

I just weighed myself for the first time in a very very long time. The Scale of Justice spit out a number lower than the high weight I had been imagining in my head. However, imagining a higher number doesn't work all that well since I knew it was too high. The number I got isn't all that disappointing, I just wonder if I can be back down to my low weight by Thanksgiving. That is what I'd like. I think I can at least get close, maybe get back into my pretty clothes.

I ordered the Scale online. In person, it's a different color, still nice. It's more modern, sleeker looking. Seems to work well. I am pleased with my purchase. At this point, I can see the weight coming off, but felt I needed the Scale to prove to myself that fasting is worth it.

Unfortunately the number I got makes me wonder how much I let myself gain. Though I try not to think of it, look forward, stay positive, I can't help but dwell. I imagine what size I might be right now if I weren't just having to lose the same weight for a second time. Quite a bummer.

I am still water fasting. I haven't been posting too much about it. Writing about not eating every day is a bit repetitive. I've lost count of the days now. I sort of like not counting. Like there is no end and no beginning to my starvation. I will be fasting until Thanksgiving at least. I really just want to fast until I hit my goal weight. I don't know if I can. Holidays are a bitch.

I'm going to go watch The Biggest Loser for a shot of inspiration. I just love watching those people get control over themselves and change their lives so drastically. Very inspiring.

All your support lifts me up, girls. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Okay to Leave Your Apartment, You Know

He's mad at me. I can tell even through the curt text message. Only two words. No period. Ignored my thank you. We talk every night, but tonight is the third night I've avoided him. The weight of his dependence on me is too much to carry around. Avoidance is how I treat everyone, it's finally his turn.

I'm such a hermit these days. I talk very little about that here. Maybe it seems like it's nothing to do with this eating disorder, but truthfully everything is to do with that. I almost only leave my apartment for class, and only if I must. Just walking to campus is cause for anxiety.

Though I am enormous and fat, I feel very small and scared walking along the edge of the sidewalk wearing my over sized jacket when it's really too warm for that. Though I feel very small, I cannot help imagining everyone's eyes on me. I wonder at what they must think of me. The judgments they might be making, and things they might think if they could actually see me, in the way no one sees me. Not even here.

Maybe it was the shrink and the the frank discussion of my disorder. It was the first time I've come face to face with everything I'm doing, the first time I've admitted it all out loud in one sitting. There's more of course, always more, but it was as much as I could divulge in an hour. Somehow now that it's all out there in the world, written across a page of his yellow legal pad, linked to me and not just a faceless blogger identity; I feel it all the more intensely. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it and how far from normal, from healthy, I've come.

My reclusive habits stem from my fat and the shame that lives in every pound. It isn't the eating disorder. I've had the eating disorder much longer than I've had this monstrous, self-inflicted loneliness. I'm inside solitude so deeply, I don't believe I could get out even if I wanted to. And now I am pushing away the one person I've relied on for actual contact.

I know I can get myself out of this. I just need to lose more weight. I just need to fit back into those lovely clothes waiting for me in my closet. My new scale will be here on Tuesday. I am going to do this. Fast until I'm happy.

Flirtations with Recovery

I went to a shrink. My university offers free counseling to students. My house guest last week (she's gone now, thank goodness) was suffering a sort of mental breakdown, hence the living with me for a bit. She's someone I've been fairly close to off and on, but no matter how little we see each other, when we do, we always seem to be able to share everything. We are both completely nuts in our own ways, we may not understand the other's mental issues, but we can listen without judgement and tell without fear of it. She's the only person who knows about my eating disorder.

The week she was with me was full of long discussions of our respective crazy. She encouraged me to see a counselor, something that had been floating around in my head for months. Then on Monday after she left, I guess the sudden influx of alone time was too difficult to resist, I had an awful binge/purge session. I think if I hadn't done that, I would not have gone to the counselor. Since I only feel crazy when I'm eating and throwing up.

But I did go. It was about an hour. I was surprisingly honest when divulging the most horrific parts of my eating disorder. I thought I might die when he asked me what food I binge on. I can't tell if it was a relief to tell him any of it or not. I feel more motivated not to purge, more motivated to fast. At the end of the session, after telling him my worst, he basically said they don't have the resources to deal with my eating disorder. And he told me I couldn't just stop purging, I'd have to stop fasting. He described the treatment which would involve doctors, a nutritionist, and an eating disorder specialist. Of course I imagine the dollar signs tied up around all that, but mostly I have this ridiculous, irrational, intense fear fill me up when I think about all that.

I didn't commit to anything, and told him I could come back for another session maybe. When I left I googled the eating disorder specialist he told me about. Reading about her detailed treatment plan really freaked me out. I'm fairly certain I won't go to another appointment. I know I'm not going to any eating disorder specialist. I guess, losing weight is much more important to me than anything else right now. Maybe when my old skinny clothes fit again I'll be more inclined to want to change. But right now, I'm still fat.

We'll see what happens. Whether I keep going to the counselor or not. For now I'm happy at least that it stopped me from going into a long binge/purge period and I'm back on track with fasting. If anyone is thinking about seeing a therapist, or a counselor, or even an eating disorder specialist, you should probably go. If you are 18 or over, they cannot force you into anything except in the most extreme circumstances of imminent danger to your life. Obviously, I can't push too hard, since once was all I could give to recovery.

It would certainly be a good thing, to recover. We should all be happy and healthy with a perfect relationship with food. I hope you all are ready for that, I'm not though. And until I am, I'm going to keep blogging. Hopefully I'll be blogging about my longest fast ever. We'll see.

Love you all. <3

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fasting Side Effects

So, it's day ten. It's been a bit shaky with my house guest staying with me all week, but I made it. I feel good. I feel safe, I know I can keep going from here and that makes me happy.

I'm going to give out some fasting information, since I've had a few requests for that sort of stuff. But if you're looking for fasting info, I have a few good posts about it somewhere in my blog. Dig it up, gals.

If you want to fast, you should try to prepare yourself for it. It isn't exactly easy. But if it were easy, everyone would be a stick. I think that if we're prepared for what our body will go through, we're more likely to stick around when things get rough. Sooo... I am going to outline every single fasting side effect/symptom I've had to cope with. Bear with me, things could get ugly. Bodily functions aren't something I usually talk about, but it's necessary for this.

There will be a couple of things that are constants during a fast. One is the lightheadedness that will come about. Standing up will pretty much always make your head spin. It usually passes quickly. It helps if you can remember to stand up slowly. I almost always forget. I have never passed out while fasting even when past the 30 day mark. Just sit down if it doesn't go away. No big deal. I actually love this side effect. It is a friendly reminder of how well I'm doing.

Another constant is bad breath and a white or yellowish tongue. It's kinda like a film that coats your tongue. Gross, but you can brush it off. Just need to scrub very thoroughly. It will come back in a few hours, just scrub it again.

Obviously hunger will be an issue, but luckily after about three or four days, it will go away. At least the physical hunger will, the psychological hunger can be incredibly intense. I find that after the first week, this dies down as well, though I've had fasts where my cravings lasted longer, but never past ten days. If you can force yourself through the first few days, it gets much easier.

Having an empty stomach all the time can create a sort of bubble in your stomach. If you done any kind of restricting, you may have already felt this. But it can cause gas, in both directions, luckily it isn't the gross sort. Odor free and quiet. Just sort of expelling the air.

If you start your fast in the healthy way, slowly reducing your calories and taking out foods, then you'll have an easier time. But if you start your fast after bingeing for a while, then you might end up with diarrhea and some slight stomach aches. I've started fasts right after bingeing a few times and it really isn't too bad. Definitely worth the weight that will just fall off.

Nausea and headaches periodically affect me during a fast. They aren't intense, but still uncomfortable. The nausea goes away quickly and has never actually caused me to throw up. Just don't let your stomach get all the way empty. Water should be your constant companion.

Speaking of water, you're going to be dehydrated. We absorb something like 60 percent of our water from food. If you aren't eating, it is impossible to not get dehydrated, no matter how much water you drink. Don't try to guzzle water. You really only need to drink around eight cups of water a day. Drinking too much and you run the risk of causing water intoxication. I find that I am thirty all the time, mostly because my throat gets dried out. But a sip is all I need. Never go anywhere without your water bottle while fasting.

Dry throat. Ugh. This is the absolute worst symptom. My throat is a bit screwed up from purging, so if you don't have that nasty habit, then hopefully it won't be such a problem during your fast. But for me, this part of fasting really sucks. My throat dries out so much it can be quite painful. And if I forget to bring me water with, it freaking sucks. Nights are also pretty bad. Eight hours of sleep means eight hours of no water. Painful to wake up to, but still bearable.

Low energy will happen. Though high energy will too. If your energy is consistently low, like too low to function, switch to juice fasting. It will make a huge difference. I always water fast, but keep juice around in case I find I really need it. Much better than eating.

Once during a fast, I was on day eleven and starting having a serious stomach ache. Serious. It hurt so bad. I was in class and had to leave. I found an empty classroom and just sat on the floor for an hour trying to make it through. Then I had to use the restroom. I'm sure most of you know about colon cleansing, well, sometimes this will happen when on a fast. Obviously if you haven't had a single calorie in eleven days, it's not a normal restroom visit. Crazy looking stuff. Gross, but being so empty is a pretty cool feeling. Once it was out of me, the stomach ache went away and I was perfectly fine. I've done many fasts that were longer than eleven days and this has only happened once. Not something to worry too much about.

Another side effect of fasting are some vivid dreams. I often wake up disoriented on a fast because my dreams feel so real I can't figure out what has and hasn't happened to me. This will happen with food dreams especially. I love this side effect.

There also comes sense of clarity. Somehow it feels as though your mind just works better on a fast. I feel peaceful, introspective. All of the anxiety that goes along with eating goes away. There is nothing like it.

I think I've covered all the things that have happened to me. But this is not an exhaustive list. Everyone's body reacts differently and you might have completely different things happen to you. Pay attention to your body and learn how to control it. Anyone can do a fast. Good luck to anyone who will be trying one. Feel free to ask any questions you have. I'll try to post more info as I make my through this fast which will hopefully be my longest yet!

One thing I love about this community is its ability to accept anyone into it's arms. I've seen all types of people blogging happily in our midsts, from the worryingly underweight to the seriously overweight and everyone in between. We have so many eating disorders represented and they are all able to find love and support here. That is something we can all be proud to be apart. So, seeing rude comments made on my blog and directed at sweet girls just trying to support me, it actually really pisses me off.

If you have chosen a path a recovery for yourself, then that's great. I totally support you. And if you want to encourage others to join you, then more power to you. But. If you think the right way to do that is by insulting those people and using hurtful language, well, you're stupid. And a bitch. We're all trying to get through life the best way we feel we can. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

That said, anyone know if there is a way to block a specific person from commenting?

Thanks for being there girls. Love you. <3

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am close to breaking my fast. It is technically day six (since it's 3am) and I really can't blow it now. I'm coping with an unexpected apartment guest. Luckily, I'm happy for the company and it's one of the only people I don't have to hide my fast from. Unluckily, she does have to eat and being around food just really isn't easy. Not easy at all.

I have to admit my failures to you, even though I'd rather tell you I had a perfect food free day. I ate a teeny tiny bit (I just typo typed hate instead of ate there) of food this evening. It was hardly anything and definitely not enough for me to not count today as a fast day. What I ate (hah, just did it again) isn't so troubling, but I am troubled by what I'm thinking about eating now. Just a couple bites and I'm already planning some ridiculous binge that will make me completely hate myself, feel totally sick and disgusting, and will keep me from losing weight.

The schemes that have been going through my head all evening. Insane. How I will go about getting gross amounts of gross food, what gross food I want to stuff myself with. I am so stupid? Over and over again. Being stupid and binging like crazy is one thing, but why do I have to go on and keep being stupid?

Typing this out, I already feel better. Who knows how I'll feel in the morning though. I have a few different topics I want to write about. Blog posts that have been floating around in my head for a while. I will try to blog first thing in the morning before I run into the stupid crazy binger in me.

I can do this. I have fasted for much longer with much more intense temptation in front of me. My jeans, which I almost couldn't button a week ago, fit much better now. If I stick to the fast they will be sagging in no time.

I'm streaming Pat Benetar lyrics in my head right now. I find her to be so empowering and I can't help but love her. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Better believe it.

Your support lights up my life. Love you all. <3

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Still Going

I have been so successful with my fast, and I'm actually really surprised. I guess my stars were more lined up than I thought. Just a couple more days and I'll pretty much be out of the tough parts.

I'm pretty tired, so actually going to go to bed at a normal hour. Just wanted to post so I don't lose track of the blog. I'm really trying to post more regularly because it really does help me stay in control.

<3 Be Beautiful. I'll do a real post soon!

Friday, October 8, 2010

A Walkthrough

I've been fasting off and on since my last post. Feeling as insane about food as always. I just can't seem to get going into a good long fast and the time just keeps on going. Soooooo... It's 6:32, only a few more hours before I have made it through another day, and this time with zero calories energizing me.

The first few days of a fast are very very difficult, but things get easier. Sometimes the stars and something inside align, and the desire to not eat overrides anything else. However, most of the time the stars and crap are just in their usual positions, and all I can think about is eating. I can't wait around getting fat for fasting mode to slug me in the face. I have to struggle through a week of total crazy to get to the other side of this where I will be light headed and wearing baggy jeans.

I will be walking you through how I make it through this grueling time. We have all read the hundred item lists of "Tips and Tricks" on all kinds of blogs and pro-Ana websites. We all know how to lose wait. We know that keeping a journal or blog, or even making your own website can really help you to blah blah blah. We know. The step we sometimes forget is actually doing all these things. So, I'm going to tell you what I do, though I hope it won't turn into another one of those lists. I'm not trying to preach to the choir, but, you know, preaching is kinda on the list.

So anyway. One of my favorite first day techniques that almost never fails is completely ruining my sleeping schedule. I never eat before noon. Mornings are easy. My cravings start really dominating me about mid afternoon and can really tear me apart in the evenings. Usually by 10pm, I feel like I've made it through the day. Even if I'm not going to bed, my brain relaxes at this point and I won't eat anything.

Sooooooo, the night before a fast I stay up. After ten I'm safe, so I just stay up until 8am or so and then I sleep the day away. The next day, day one, ends up being a very short day. And I think the schedule confuses my hunger cycle too because I rarely get hungry when I do this. Kind of a drastic approach, but it's worth it.

Just a little over three hours and I've made it tonight. Writing this post will probably give me the motivation to make it. The 30 Rock episodes on Netflix are taking care of the rest. Hopefully Day 2 will be more exciting. Obviously, I'm really tired and sluggish today. I have an Elle magazine I'm planning to cut up. I've always wanted to try the thing where you put up thinspo all over your house. I live alone now, nothing stopping me except me. I know the tips and tricks. I just have to do them.

Lately, I've been hoarding methods for keeping myself from eating. I talk myself into eating and out of watching that Biggest Loser episode. I save it for tomorrow when I'll need it. So ridiculous! I need that stuff every day. I just feel so out of control and instead of getting it back, it's like I'm avoiding it on purpose. Just not doing that crap anymore.

I could be wearing such pretty clothes right now if I hadn't done this to myself.

Wow! Haven't changed my blog's look in a while. The new options are very cool.

Love you, ladies. If you want to fast or do whatever plan and want some support, stay up all night, or whatever, I'm around, and I need you too.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Please Don't Eat Tonight

I'm on day three of a fast, almost done with day three actually. Hours away from sleep and a whole new day. But I am trying so hard to talk myself into eating. It doesn't make any sense. I'm young and I could be beautiful. Why would I do anything to get in the way of that. I'm only losing time. I feel so helpless lately. Just giving in to food and wanting. And one day turns into another month that I've lost. Another month that I could have fasted. All these months wasted. I could be thin by now. I could be beautiful by now. I could happy by now.

I will not eat tonight.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Desperate Measures

I fail dismally at not eating. I have to get into a fast again. I have all this time, that I know won't be interrupted by friends or family or forced food. I can't waste it eating.

I wonder how I could get prescription weight loss drugs. They supposedly really zap your appetite. I'd pretty much do anything at this point. I can't stand to look like this. I don't understand how I can want something this badly and keep fucking it up.


Well. I just spend way too much money on shoes I just couldn't possibly resist. I made a deal with myself: it's food or the shoes.

This better work. But I've almost made it through this night. I can fast until Thanksgiving if I just get started.

<3 Hop on board, skinny minnies!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Oh Fasting, I Hardly Even Recognize You

The good news is: I'm back. Again. I know this routine of returns is getting old; I'm just not ready to go steady.

The bad new is: I can't promise I won't be eating plenty of Chinese food tonight.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Promise I'm Not Hungry

So I fasted. 28 days. I don't know how much weight I lost, I'm still avoiding the scale like the plague and since I don't know my start weight, seems pointless to weigh now. I'll be able to spot Thin if it ever shows up on my body anyway. But I do know that I can almost slide my jeans off without undoing them. My hips are the last place I lose weight, so when it becomes noticeable there, I know it's a significant number.

I'm scared to try on my smaller jeans, even though they have to fit. I'm really not all that excited about the weight I've lost this time around. I already lost this weight before; I can't get over being angry at myself for having to lose it again.

So I started out breaking my fast fairly well. A good first two days of slowly eating little bits of food at a time. But last night I ate a little more than I planned and I started feeling all the old anxiety that comes with eating. Everything in my fridge is health food, and binging after a month of only water is a very different sort of binge. But it didn't matter. I felt stuffed and fat. I was freaking out about every bite and every pound I know I still have to lose. I ate more in a frenzy.

It was a very good purge. I actually felt totally empty when I finished and could calm down. I hate not fasting. I wish I could I just fast forever and never have to feel all of this crazy. Food really messes with my head. You all talk about how strong I am, but the truth is that I fast because I'm too weak to handle eating.

So, today I'm fasting again. I need to get calm again. I might try out eating again tomorrow and see how it goes, but maybe I'll try to fast then too. I really should eat because I have friends coming to visit this weekend. I won't be able to avoid eating and I don't want to be sick from it.

I was happy about seeing these people I love and haven't seen in forever, but now I find myself just looking forward to being left alone again so I can fast. This really is a horrible existence. I wonder if it will ever even be worth it.

Anyway, I'll probably update tomorrow. I might not be able to make it through tonight without eating. I usually fast with a kitchen full of nothing, facing all the food there won't be easy. We'll see. But after tomorrow I'll have another bit of a break. But I'm planning to fast again as soon as I can. I still want to get into 40 days, beat my record.

Much skinny love to everyone. Your encouragement is amazing, thank you. <3

Friday, July 23, 2010

Away Too Long

Another disappearance. No valid excuse for it. I'm not in much of a writing mood, but it seems an update is really necessary after so long.

I have been fasting for nineteen days. Finally managed a real fast. Thank goodness. Or really, I must thank Paix, over at Tightropes and Constellations, who pulled me back into to going hungry.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have more to say. I hope everyone is doing well.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Another Addition to my Emptiness

I am going home. An emergency trip for a family emergency. I won't allow myself to use this as an excuse to eat. I will channel my grief into my fast. I can't ruin three days of struggle no matter what happens.

I'll be gone a few days. Stay strong.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


The end of this day is getting closer. I still have hours before I can reasonably go to bed, but I feel confidant that I can make it through the night. The extra support I got from my last post has really made all the difference in the world. I think tomorrow will be easier, once I prove to myself that I can make it through one day. It feels good just to be starting to gain back control; the world feels right.

I am fighting my urges for food by remaining in the computer lab on campus protected by a sign on the door reading, "No food or drink allowed." And I don't plan on leaving until I can walk straight home and go to bed. Still a couple of hours to go, but an Anne Rice novel and Bones episodes are helping me get through. Hopefully after a few days I won't have to do this, but for now I can't risk going anywhere I might eat. I left all forms of currency at home, so as long as I'm here, food isn't even possible.

I only feel safe when I cut off any means of nourishment.

I am really looking forward to a long fasts. It's been forever since I did anything more than ten days. I can almost taste the amazing feelings of control and power that come with depriving myself so thoroughly. I can't wait to feel the dizziness, weakness, lightness wrap around me.

I am going to do this.

Whatever goals we have, fasting, restricting, workouts, we can achieve them. And there couldn't be a better support system than this community. I probably would never have gotten so off track if I hadn't stopped blogging. Oh well. We can only move forward.


Monday, May 17, 2010


I hardly slept last night. My eyes are so tired.

But I'm home again. In my quiet, lonely little apartment. I feel much better now that I can shut myself away, all by myself and ready to starve my depression away.

I woke up yesterday morning ready to face the day without eating. Very easy until right about noon when my Crazy started rearing its ugly head. I wish I had blogged about this yesterday because I was thinking about how I felt and it seemed so clear and concise-what was happening to me. But today it feels far away, and I don't understand how I could let it happen. Again.

I binged. I was sick, bloated, disgusted, panicked, desperate. I purged. I was sick, relieved, weak, hurt, disgusted. I cried. I felt stupid and all of the other terrible, awful things I new I would feel when I was convincing myself that it was okay to eat this time.

The very worst part is that I nearly made it. I resisted for hours and hours, and if I could have just resisted a bit longer I could have just gone to bed and woken up this morning to a happy day two.

While it was happening, I was thinking of who I could turn to for help. All of the people in my life that I actually allow myself to confide in are not an option since begging them to help me resist eating wouldn't go so well.

My goal is to fast through as much of my summer as possible. But I'm not in the incredibly fasting mode I was in during my previous marathon fasts, so I need some extra help. I would really like it if there is someone out there still reading this here blog and hopefully wants and is able to fast that would like to become my summer buddy. I just need someone that I can turn to when all I want to do is eat, someone who can talk me down because lately talking myself down just won't cut it. And of course, I would be on call to do the same for you.

So if you are interested, email me:! And introduce yourself, I read a lot of blogs but this community is sooo big that I might not know you. Obviously please don't leave any personal contact info in a comment besides like your anonymous email.

I have to run to class, love you all so much.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Another Fast to Break

The fourth day. No food. I feel empty, not from lack of food. I feel empty from lack of life, if that even makes sense. And I don't feel hungry for food or life.

I will have to eat this week. My mother is already suspicious of my eating habits since every time she's come to my apartment the fridge has been completely devoid of food. I can't be there with all my family and not eat.

I hate that I'll have to start over. I've made it four days just to give it all up and have to give up food all over again next week. At least now I have you all here to help me get back to starvation. I can do it.

I may not blog while I'm home. I will just try to enjoy my family and not hate myself for eating.

Honor your mothers tomorrow. They tend to do the best they can even though it can be so wrong.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Isn't Hungry Delicious?

I made it through the day. It's only the second consecutive day of not eating, but now making it two days is a huge accomplishment for me. I've tried to fast countless times since I stopped blogging. It seems like I pledged myself to a new dance with starvation every morning and broke the pledge at least by evening every day.

Now I'm dizzy again. Standing up makes me feel light headed, weak, small. I still feel like a whale and it will take at least a full month of fasting for me to even begin to feel comfortable in my body again, but at least this is a start. I just want to be happy, I want to be the thinner version of myself. The version that laughs, sings, leaves her apartment. Fat makes me reclusive, and I hate it.

I have to go home for mother's day and will have to eat some while I'm home, unfortunately. But once I come back I'm going to really do a long fast. I'm going to break my old record.

Well, I'm going to break two old records: number of days without food and lowest weight. I know that I can. And being back to this community, I feel like I'm breathing inspiration.

I just have to be thin. I can't live this way. I just can't.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

But She Wouldn't Go Away.

I stopped writing and now I'm coming back as almost the exact same person I was when I started. Proof that I need this.

It's amazing to see all the new followers I have and to know people were reading my words, thinking of the things I accomplished, and maybe being inspired by them even when I was so far away from that beautiful I achieved. I came back to this blog on a whim and seeing new comments and new readers inspired me. I feel like I've been pulled out of the muck.

I can hardly stand the person I've become now, what all the weight and fat does to me. It goes far beyond what I look like. Ugly on the outside makes me ugly on the inside, too. I can't just keep hiding in my apartment, eating, gaining, dying. If I don't get control now, maybe I won't ever be able to.

Sorry about the melodrama, but you can't blame me for it. I have an eating disorder, you know.

All I've had today was black coffee, splenda, and crystal light. The perfect day to start a fast. I'm taking summer classes, which will give me three uninterrupted months. I will fast through most of it. I just have to see my hair start falling out again or I don't know what I will do.

I'm happy to see so many of you still here and writing. Some constants are nice, and I'm sorry I haven't been one. I can't wait to get caught up on your lives and your progress and also to read the new blogs in Ana Town.

I think my blog is due for a makeover. I'm thinking yellow. <3