Monday, November 30, 2009
Anyway, the good news is that my teeth are pretty much awesome. I don't even really have any enamel problems. I have a couple of tiny cavities, which does kind of suck since I've never had any before, but still most people get cavities just from normal eating. I had to hurl hundreds of times to get any. Gross. Oh well.
So, if any of you have been avoiding the dentist for the same reason I was, don't do it! You should definitely go and get your teeth taken care of. They can't lock you up or tell anyone or really do anything, just recommend a counselor or something and make sure your teeth stay as healthy as possible. No point in being thin and beautiful if your teeth are ew! This message brought to you by Eva, your friendly neighborhood bulimic, taking care of skinny bitches.
I'm so TiRed. Been stay up late every single night since I moved back home and I need some catch up sleep. I also need to do a post holiday fast. I'm going to try to fast until Christmas, even though my birthday is coming up this week. I'm just going to tell my mom I don't want any cake because of all the Thanksgiving splurges.
<3 <3 <3 Tomorrow will be a good for starving. I can feel it.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I am so sorry I've been away for so long. I've still been reading, keeping caught up with everyone's progress. I just haven't felt as though I deserved to blog. I can only stand writing my failures down so many times.
I also fear that my identity may have been compromised. I think my boyfriend saw my blog on my computer, though it would have only been for a moment. If he caught the title and looked it up, he'd have no question as to the author. I'm sure he knows a lot more about me than I've told him anyway and there isn't anything I can do about it, so I'm trying to just put that out of my mind.
I'm fat. Gaining more weight everyday. And I feel so helpless against it. What a ridiculous way to feel! I'm doing all of this. Every bite is my choice. Every time I eat I hate myself for it. But everyday I eat again.
I'm more depressed than I've been in so many years and what makes it more miserable is my need to suppress it all. My boyfriend, who I live with now, is so so good to me. A few weeks ago I was cranky and moody and I couldn't stand myself at all. I can only imagine how he must have felt about me. He's too nice to ever say anything about that sort of thing, but I had to put a stop to it. So now I'm wearing happiness but I feel like everything else is pushing against my skin. It's bound to break me.
I just know that if I could just start fasting again everything would feel better. I'd be in control and I wouldn't feel this way anymore. But now I don't even think I'm capable. I fast for a couple days at a time, but I can never keep it. Four days is the longest I've gone. And now a whole month is over.
It's just such a waste.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I'm going on a trip with my boyfriend on Friday and not sure when I'll be able to post again. I am sure that I'll be enormous when I come back. Bleh. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it. Just need to enjoy the vacation and not ruin it with anxiety about food. It's horrible that I can't wait for our romantic trip to be over so I can start starving myself again. I sometimes do wish that my eating disorder would allow me to enjoy some aspects of my life a bit more. Oh well. Thin thin thin.
I love you girls and am thinking about y'all. Stay strong and gorgeous. Gotta go before I get caught. <3
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Why I hate Food
1. Food makes me Fat.
2. Eating Food makes my stomach feel full and sick and disgusting.
3. Eating Food immediately makes my face puffed up and Fat.
4. Eating Food makes me lose Control.
5. Food makes me Fat.
6. I hate using the restroom if the setting isn't completely private. Not eating Food means I never have to.
7. I adore the weak, faint feeling that starvation gives me. Eating Food takes this away.
8. Food makes me Fat.
9. There is no Food that can taste good enough to be worth eating, worth taking me farther from my goals.
10. The smell of Food often makes me nauseous.
11. I hate thinking about what I look to other people when I'm eating. Putting Food in your mouth just can't be pretty.
12. I hate how other people look when they're eating Food. Gross.
13. Food makes me fat.
14. Eating Food always makes me feel self-loathing, guilty, and weighed down with the regret.
15. Most of all, Food makes me fat.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
I have survived Independence Day without any food or family suspicion. I spent the whole day with my mother and she thought I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am a pro. It's very exciting to hide my starvation so well.
Unfortunately I have all this family coming into town this Tuesday and I'm not sure how easy it will be to avoid food. I'll just have to keep making up excuses to leave before dinner. I hate to not get to spend as much time with them, but I have to focus on the important things.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I can starve myself. I can go weeks and weeks without eating. I can embrace the permanent headache, the upset stomach, the dizziness, the weakness. I can get a thrill from the fainting spells. I can love starvation.
I told myself 47 days, so 47 days I will do. Consecutively. My raw throat makes me sound like I'm sick, so I can use that as an excuse to have no appetite and make it through this 4th of July weekend. I will not eat any disgusting hot dogs. I solemnly swear.
I was planning to resurrect some old posts I'd made about fasting to share with those of you who are also fasting or would just like some info, but now I feel totally unqualified to offer any advice on it. Maybe after I've made it through a solid week on just water I'll get my confidence back.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
My new jeans, my previously very tight jeans, are starting to loosen. I love the way it feels for the fabric to be hanging off my legs.
Thanks for all of the encouraging comments! Jamie, I would love for you to fast with me. Email me if you'd like: email@example.com. I've done a ton of research on fasting and have made it through a few long ones, so I'd love to offer anyone advice or support or whatever you need. Cat, good luck with your plan too! I will have to go check out what you're doing. Effing gorgeous is right!
Short post today. Stay strong gals! <3
Monday, June 29, 2009
I will then announce to my family that I am doing a fast and continue to starve until the 14th of August
Raw fruit and veggie diet until I go back to school, about two weeks
There it is. In all it's glory. It will be my most ambitious fast yet. Today until August 14th makes a total of 47 days. This random number is just because this is the longest I think I can pull it off without upsetting my family.
There will be no cheating allowed. No chewing and spitting, no binging and purging, no just having one taste, no nothing. Only water.
The New Plan also requires that I change my blog look. I'm way bored with this one and even though I have no idea how to do anything because I am basically like your grandmother when it comes to computer technology, I will make it FabUlous! Just you wait.
Let's play Name Eva's New Blog!! Best suggestion for a new blog name wins my eternal love and devotion. Plus some fun link to your blog or something like that.
I'm thinking that figuring out how to revamp this thing will take me about 47 days. Something to work on and distract me from food during my fast. By the time I'm done my blog and I will be transformed!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
I'm getting pretty good at avoiding food. It's sort of like a fun game now. Our garbage disposal sure gets a lot of use. I don't like throwing away food, but now I'm pretty much over it. Anything to avoid seeing it on my hips. Plus, binging and purging is just like throwing it away. I've also found that if I make something and then put the "leftovers" in the fridge, my mother can't tell that I didn't actually eat any of it. It also gives me a chance to make healthy stuff for her.
I'm thinking about carrying a ziploc bag in my purse or my pocket wherever I go. That way I can "eat" something by sneaking it into the bag. If anyone else has any good suggestions for ways to pretend to eat, please let me know. I feel like I could fast all summer and be happy. I can only imagine what my boyfriend would think. I want him to really notice that I've lost weight while I've been gone.
Anywho, love ya girlies. Keep starving!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My method for avoiding dinner involves finding ways to avoid being home at night. Barnes and Noble is my favorite hiding place. I can go and find all the books on eating disorders in the supposed Recovery section and read through them sipping on my ice water. There are so many great books on this subject now, and I haven't even read Wasted yet.
Today I read Dying to be Thin. There is a lot of crap written by these two doctors that comes out very dry and feels like being talked down to. I skip all of that mumbo jumbo for the accounts written by the patients, which is a large part of the book. It's nice that there are a variety of different sorts of people all dealing with it in different ways. But it's amazing that I can relate to all of them and feel for all of them. I especially loved Karen's tale of anorexia and the way she writes. I do recommend this book.
The last time I sat in Barnes and Noble for four hours, I read Distorted. I read almost the entire thing, which I'm pretty sure might be frowned upon. Anywho, it was the account of a girl struggling mostly with bulimia from the perspective of both the girl and her mother. The two diverging points of view on the exact same events were interesting and definitely thought provoking. I don't ever want to put my family through the hardship of saving me from this. I'm so thankful that I'm usually far away and can keep my crazy from them. Book also recommended.
In case anyone needed some reading material. I find them to be a very good way of keeping myself motivated. I'll keep you updated on what I read during future Barnes and Noble getaways.
I feel like there are other things I wanted to say. I can think of none, so I'm off to bed. <3
Monday, June 22, 2009
I just have to do a quick post while my mom is busy. Today was a major hitch in the fasting plan. I was over at my grandmothers all afternoon with plans to leave before dinner, but she just made it impossible to make any excuses. Luckily, I have everyone thinking I'm on some healthy fruit/veggie diet.
Dinner was: guacamole, carrots, and black eyed peas (this is my attempt to hide the text to avoid triggering anyone, though no idea if I'm doing it right). I was able to stuff almost all of the carrots in my pocket and avoid eating them, no such luck with the rest of the stuff, but it wasn't that much. Of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I ended up binging on some pasta salad, pie crusts, and strawberries.
In total, it was really a very small amount of food even the binging part was not much of a binge at all, but it was much more than I should have ever had on a fast. I was able to purge it out, but normally when I purge there is a lot more in there. This time it was mostly water, so not sure how many of those disgusting calories actually came up.
The good thing is that I am not wigging out over it. I tend to just keep binging when I'm freaking out. Control means that I can start over starving again tomorrow. I hope so at least.
Good luck everyone. I hope y'all can be stronger than I was today. Ugh. But tomorrow is always a new chance. <3
Sunday, June 21, 2009
I don't know why; I'm having trouble coming up with anything worth typing. Maybe I will try again later.
Oh, but how do y'all like the new picture? Looks somehow hopeful to me.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tonight I have two parties to go to, but it will be easy to avoid the food ("I'm going to be having dinner at the next party/ I ate so much at that first party, I'm just stuffed!"). Unfortunately Father's day is on Sunday and I'm supposed to go to this big family dinner at my grandparent's. I'm having trouble coming up with a way to get out of it. It is kind of a big deal to that side of the family. I need to find an excuse that would allow me to show up after they've eaten or something. Maybe I can play the upset stomach card.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I had a pretty sizable chew and spit binge. It's certainly better than a real binge, though I'd much rather control myself better than that. Then I was feeding the horses (my grandparents have a farm and horses) and I got stepped on. My foot looks pretty gruesome and hurts like crazy. I got so light headed after it happened, I was afraid I might pass out right there still surrounded by horses. Dangerous place for that sort of thing. I made it out safely and drank some apple juice to get my head to stop spinning. I guess that counts as breaking my water fast, but I think I had a good excuse.
I'm only five pounds away from my lowest ever weight. I was bracing myself for much higher numbers on the scale since I've been eating everything in sight for so long. My hair has started falling out. I'm not yet underweight, so I think this is from fasting so much. Price to pay, I suppose. Luckily my hair is thick with quite a few strands to spare. I wonder how long until it becomes noticeable.
Thanks again for all the welcomes. It really feels good to be back and I can already tell how much I needed to be back. <3s to everyone! I'm off to make the commenting rounds.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
That first thing has become glaringly untrue in the weeks that I've been home. The second thing is probably true about everything I do.
Since I've been home for the summer I've been eating like a cow nonstop and throwing up every time. I hate purging. I feel so out of control and every time I try to grab control back, I just ruin it. I don't know how many fasts I've tried to start. So many days I've said no to food just to give in that night or the next morning. I just know that once I get into a fast I'll be fine, safe in my continued starvation. That is what I need. It just doesn't feel like I can get there anymore.
I hope that getting back in this community will inspire me and give me the strength to make it through every day without food.
Thanks for the comments on that last post. It feels so good to be welcomed back. I am so looking forward to reading your blogs again! <3
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sorry for yet another long absence. I've been horribly sick all week long. I've had plenty of time for blogging since I missed two (yikes!) whole days of class and skipped out on a day of work, but all I've had the energy to do is sleep, wallow, and be all sorts of pathetic. I'm such a baby when I'm sick. This is the sickest I've been in a long time, too. I had like every icky cold symptom out there to the max.
Anyways, I'm feeling tons better today. I would say I was cured except that my voice still sounds all ugly and scratchy. So much for making money.
The good thing that came out of this Uncommon Death Cold is that I think I lost a whole bunch of weight. Even though I lay around and did nothing, I hope my body was working hard and burning lots of calories. It certainly seems like it. I can now slide my jeans off without unbuttoning them. This is quite an accomplishment because even though my jeans have been absurdly baggy for a long time, my giant hips and big butt lose weight waaaaay slower than everything else. Which is totally lame since it's much harder to get excited about weight loss in your fingers.
I may have also finally lost the ridiculous bloatedness from the salt water flush I did last weekend. I finally got up the nerve and just did it. I'm glad I did; I don't want to be a chicken. However, I will never ever ever do that again. Salt water is totally gross. Ew ew ew. Plus I think I gained like ten pounds from it. Seriously. Srsly. All of my fingers were so swollen they looked like they'd all been stung by bees. Pretty horrible. It was definitely effective, but I'm with Savory on this one. I just can't stand to see the scale shoot up like that. Not cool.
Another good thing from the sickness. I tend to lose my appetite when I'm sick and so it helped me to start out my fast. Been fasting since early Monday afternoon (I know I can't really count that first day, but I'm proud of every single hour!). For me, fasting is pretty easy once I get going. But those first few days are horrible. I've totally screwed up a few fasts on day two. Day two sucks the most. But now that I'm on Day Five (and a half!) I'm over the hump and I'm ready to truck along.
I think that I've gotten myself pretty addicted to fasting. I feel so much more together now that I'm starving. That week I was eating was horrible. I was such a mess over every bite of food. This is bad because I know I won't have the freedom to fast at all while I'm at home. I need to get myself on a good restricted food plan. I need to be able to eat sensibly. I need to be able to eat and still shed pounds. It would be so fun to come back after the summer and be even lighter for my boyfriend. It's so different when people don't see you losing the weight gradually.
I'm only doing a ten day water fast, which is the normally reccomended length anyway. Then I'm doing a six day juice fast. Why six days? Who knows! Actually, I just didn't have enough time to do ten. After the juice I'm doing ten days of raw fruits/veggies. After the veggies I'll have like five days to incorporate small amounts of all those other foods into my diet. But I'm still going to be restricting something fierce. I suck at restricting. I always do great for a while, but then some stupid icky awful binge ruins it. I do feel like I have better tools now than I've had in the past. Those tools mostly consist of you awesome ladies!
I think this post is getting long. And probably a little crazy. I'm all energized and happy to not be feeling like crud. Say No to crud.
Mmkay. I gots lots of catching up to do today. I'm excited to see how everyone is doing. And if anyone would like to get on board with any of my plans (water, juice, raw fruits/veggies) as always feel free to hop on, email me, whatever.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My boyfriend and my friend have the same birthday. So we planned to hang out together Friday/Saturday. The snow was lovely, but pretty intense and we had decided to just hang out in the dorm (my roommate is out of town again this weekend, yay!). As we were driving through downtown at a snail's pace since I'm not very experience with driving through the snow, we passed right by the place we had been planning to go to. So we just decided to park and go, and it was so fun. We got to sit in the warm restaurant at the windows just watching the snow fall.
I didn't eat too much and I had a salad. Actually we went out for lunch today too and only ate like maybe half. It's still so weird to be eating again. But I've been trying to eat enough because I want my body to be able to survive having to eat with my boyfriend. I want to eat a lot in front of him so he'll be at least temporarily reassured about my eating habits.
My friend and I also went shopping at a cheapo-thrift-kind-of-store-thing that I'd never heard. I tried on some shirts that were so tiny compared to all of my clothes. It was amazing how good I looked! It's like I hadn't really lost any weight until I had clothes that actually fit me. It was so excited to see the difference. I got two shirts and a pair of jeans. The shirts were only 4 dollars! The jeans were twenty, but they were super nice jeans. I'm excited to finally get to see the fruits of my fasting.
Now, I just want to fast again. I only have a month before I go home and I know I won't be able to fast at all over the summer, so I'm going for it. Plus, I think if I'm not fasting I'll have a harder time resisting the pastries in my new baking class.Monday I'll have breakfast with my boyfriend, but that will be it. I'll fast the rest of the day and the official fast will start on Tuesday. I'll have to figure out exactly when I want to quite the fast. I may have to do like only a twenty day fast or something, so I have enough time to finish fasting before I leave. I don't know. I just know I need to fast again.
I finally feel whole again. I like having a plan. Even though, I have to eat a lot tomorrow, seeing myself in new clothes today has reassured me. I know any weight I gain will fall right back off as soon as I'm back on my perfect diet of only water. So pure and empty. I can't wait to be pure and empty again.
I'm off to blog read! I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on everyone's blogs. I've still been reading, but it's hard to comment when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Your amazing comments really saved me though. I want to attempt to return that.
So many <3s to everyone!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today I started my day with maybe two bites of applesauce and went to work. It felt so good to be empty. I came back and had a tiny portion of soup. I thought I would have a good eating day. But I ruined it. I had a half of a sandwich. All it had on it was a piece of ham and mustard between whole wheat bread. So it wouldn't have been that bad. God. If only I had stopped there. Then I had popcorn. I only ate half.
It doesn't matter though, I feel full and awful. I can't stop crying. I want to be in control again. I want to deprive myself of everything. I hate food.
All I want to do is fast again. But now my boyfriend's birthday is looming. And there's going to be so much I'll have to eat. After this weekend I'm going to start another fast. I don't care if he's worried about me. I don't care if my friends are worried. Being thin is all that matters. I don't even like my friends very much. And I can be more careful around my boyfriend.
I'm still freaking out. Still crying. There's a good chance I'll go purge now. I'm sorry. I feel like I've failed all of you. I promise I'm going to get my control back. <3
Monday, April 13, 2009
I don't really want to write about it, but I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog. My boyfriend came over yesterday after his Easter dinner and brought me deviled eggs. It was very sweet of him because he knows how much I love these, but they are definitely not the type of food that should be eaten when breaking a fast. I was only going to eat one, and then I was only going to have two, and then they were all gone, and I felt like dying. My first day would have been perfect if it hadn't been for those stupid eggs.
I was really freaking out. I imagined myself gaining back all the weight I had lost and then some in a sort of blowfish maneuver. I started excercising really intensly, but my stomach was starting to feel really weird. And all my dumb pants are too big for me now and I'm so short, they've mostly just gotten too long, so I tripped over my pant leg and fell down. I started crying, not really because I was hurt, more because I felt so sick of myself, so defeated. I went into the bathroom and purged. I haven't done that in a really long time, and I hate it. It did make me feel better though. I finished working out and went to bed.
I know I seriously overreacted. I was acting like the world was falling in and I didn't even eat that much, really. Today I have no appetite at all. I can hardly even bring myself to drink water. I will eat tomorrow, start over and try again I guess. But really truly I never want to eat again. I want to fast until my body has eaten every single pound of fat. I hate feeling like I don't have control. I have to eat so my boyfriend won't know I'm starving myself and my friends won't worry. I hate my boyfriend. I hate my friends. I just want to lose more weight.
I'm definitely being crazy right now. I'll get over this soon I hope.
I'm really looking forward to reading blogs today. You all will be my escape. As always, thanks for your comments and support. I don't know where I would be without all of you. Seriously. <3
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Food is so good. After so long without it, all the flavors taste so intense. It was great, but it's hard to allow myself anything to eat without feeling guilty and weird. And I have such a bad problem with guilty feelings. It's hard to explain what happens to me, but it's like any time I do something wrong when it comes to eating, I just do it even more.
I ate like two or three bites of applesauce first. A few hours later I had just like four bites of black beans. My refrigerator is bare, so my options were limited. I had some crackers that we made in class and I ate too many of those. By too many, I mean like too many for a crazy person. For a normal person, everything I ate today wouldn't even equal a meal, but for me I felt like a glutton. Lucky my stomach hasn't felt upset at all really, just a bit strange.
Anyway, I'm not in much of a blogging mood today. I hope everyone is doing great. <3
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I got Thin in the mail and watched it today. It was a very very powerful movie. I loved it. I know it isn't supposed to be, but it's inspiring even through the tragedy of it. I cried numerous times while watching and I feel even more inspired to do the eating thing right. Definitely recommend it to everyone.
Yesterday I had my first little bit of orange juice. It was more like slight orange flavored water, but it was a start. Today I've been drinking half water half juice. It is so delicious! It tastes very intense to my deprived tastes buds. It's a bit hard though to know that I'm giving up the fast soon though. I've only been able to drink about a fourth of my glass of juice so far. I'd much rather just keep starving.
Savory! I'm totally moving in with you! I can't imagine a better living situation. We wouldn't have to worry about roommates telling us to eat or gross food hanging around. We could just keep like celery in the fridge and we'd be so skinny together. I'm going to pack my stuff up right away! In fact, all of us should move in together and become an amazing Ana commune. It'd be so awesome.
Dancing in the shadows, you are so right about the sugar free applesauce and it's especially good after a fast because flavors can be a lot stronger, even cinnamon. But I've heard stuff about cinnamon being good for a metabolism boost, not sure if that's actually true or scientifically backed. Can't hurt though!
I really really want to weigh myself, but I'm not going to my boyfriend's house this weekend. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I absolutely need to see the numbers. Maybe it will be better though. When I weigh next week I won't have to see if I've put on weight. Failures often lead to more failures with me.
Okay okay. That's enough for today. I'm off to go blog reading now! <3!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tomorrow I'll go and get some orange juice from the grocery store. I plan on starting slowly with diluted juice tomorrow night and increasing it as I go along. Sunday night I'll have some applesauce. That seemed like it worked well when I broke my last fast. Next week is going to be more important really than all my fasting. It's easy to ruin it with a binge.
My friends and my boyfriend are really starting to worry about me and how I never eat. I want to fast again. I want to fast so badly. I keep thinking if I could just do one more fast... But I don't think I can do one right away. I need to let them see me eat for a while and stop worrying. But I'll be going home in just a little over a month and there's no way I could fast when I'm surrounded by family.
I'm going to have lose weight through restriction. You all have been so kind with your praise and it really makes me feel so great, but truthfully fasting is easy for me. I can go without food easily. I struggle more with trying to eat without binging. I'm terrified of undoing all of this starving. Last time I fasted I gained weight back. I can't do that this time. I don't know why, it just seems so much easier to starve than it is to eat.
I put the documentary Thin on my Netflix and I should get it tomorrow. I also plan on going to the library and checking out some books on anorexia. I've been looking into some that seem interesting. I've also watched a couple of Lifetime movies about anorexia on Youtube. Maybe if I surround myself with tons of thinspiration I won't ruin it.
Pascal, Thanks for stopping by and for the very encouraging comment! As far as my weight loss goes, I can't be totally certain. I don't own my own scale so I weigh on the weekends at my boyfriend's, but I wasn't able to weigh at the start of my fast so I can only guess as to what my start weight was. I had gained quite a bit because I was on spring break at home with family. I'm guessing that by the end of my fast I will have lost between 30 or 40 pounds. This seems like a ton, but some of it was weight that I had just gained and it seemed to slide off sooo quickly when I first started the water fast. I think I would have lost less if I had started out at a set point or something. I hope that makes sense. Plus I still have to get through breaking my fast, so I have plenty of room to gain that back.
Holly, thanks for your comments. I can count on you for a good ego boost. Good luck with your fasts. I believe you can do it! And I am so thrilled if I can give you any sort of inspiration.
Lulu, thanks for passing on that website. Very good information! The isolation is hard, but this is the last week and then I can go back to being my usual social self. I am looking forward to not having to lie and hid anymore.
Savory, your comments crack me up. I love that. I'm paranoid about the transition back too, but hopefully this time I can do it right. Thanks for the info about BMR, but that is way way too many calories. Ick.
This post seems so long and rambly. Good luck reading! I'm off to read y'alls now. <3
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
My roommate is going to her grandparent's this weekend. I'm looking forward to having the place to myself and told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to make it to his family's Easter. So I get to stick to my original plan. I'm breaking my water fast on Friday and juice fasting until Monday. Then I'll have all week to slowly get back to eating. I sort of hate to miss Easter, but it's not worth giving up on my fast. I set goals and I want to stick to them.
At this point, I'm just hoping I can even make it through my last days of class this week. Monday was horrible. I was so week and sick. At one point, I really thought I was going to faint. I had to sit with my head between my knees to make the dizziness go away. Yesterday I slept almost all day, it was ridiculous. I do think I have a good excuse to be exhausted after a month of just drinking water. I feel a lot more energized today. It only needs to last through tomorrow. I can sleep all weekend if I have to.
I don't have any more to say. I will catch up on everyone's blogs today. I can't wait to see how you are all doing. I'm sorry I've been away so long. <3
Monday, March 30, 2009
Listening to the good advice I've gotten from Lulu and belle svelte, I'm thinking I may end the fast just a couple days early. If I stop on the 8th, that will still be 30 days on water. I can do a couple days on juice, and then a couple days on fruits and veggies. I really don't want to gain back a whole bunch of weight.
So, my boyfriend did my taxes for me this weekend and I owe $700. I'm pretty stressed about this because I don't have any of that money. My boyfriend offered to pay it for me and I'd pay him back. But I hate to be in debt to him. It just seems so weird. If I don't have any other options though, I may have to accept his offer.
Holly, I'm sorry you've had such a struggle. Were you just doing a water fast or a juice fast? It would probably be easier for you to start with juice. I'm not sure it's common for you to feel so weak so early on in the fast. Fasting may not be an option for you. Maybe consider doing a raw fruit and vegetable diet instead. Good luck if you decide to try again. Sometimes difficult things take practice.
Amy-Louise, asked for tips to manage willpower. There is a certain mindset that allows me to fast. I have started a few fasts that were total busts because I didn't have the right mindset. Starting the fast is the hard part, once I get past like the fourth day I'm pretty much set to go. I still get cravings, but nothing that can't be fought.
I think in order to successfully get a fast going, you need to prepare. Do your own research, read testimonies from others who have fasted. Get yourself inspired and totally motivated. I find it easier to fast when I'm busy. It's easy to give up when I'm bored and sitting around with a fridge full of food. And of course, blogging about is also a huge help in keeping myself on track.
I hope that will be helpful for you. I have a few others posts that have fasting info if you're interested.
I hope all of you are having more exciting Mondays than I am. <3!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Day twenty is pretty exciting. Only twelve days until the last day of Water. Twelve days seems like nothing after twenty. I weighed yesterday and I had lost almost six pounds in six days. That's not as much as I wanted, less than last week. I'm wondering if the multivitamin could work against me. This week I'm ditching the vitamin to see how that goes. I'm aiming for twelve more pounds by the end of this, which seems pretty do-able.
I've discovered one hitch in my fasting plan however. I may be spending Easter with my boyfriend's family and I'm sure some ridiculously fattening meal will be involved. I toyed with the idea of quitting a week early to prepare for Easter, but I'm just not willing to give up my fast. There's a chance I may not go anyway. If I do, I may fake an upset stomach so I can get away with just drinking juice. We'll see what happens.
I only have one more weekend besides Easter to spend with my boyfriend, which is a very very good thing. I made a bit of a mistake with him this weekend. I went to his house Friday evening and didn't leave until Saturday evening. I didn't eat a single thing, though he kept offering me food. I shouldn't have stayed that long, but I just didn't want to leave. When I finally did, he told me he was worried about me since I'd been there 24 hours and hadn't eaten at all. If only he knew how many hours it's actually been. Oh well. This weekend I'll just have to go there late and leave early. The fast will be over soon.
Holly, good job on making it two days. The first days of the fast are always the hardest. As far as fasting under 18, I haven't read a lot about this limitation. I have read accounts of people under 18 fasting. My opinion on the matter is that 18 is not a magic number just because the law says this is adulthood. I know I stopped getting taller in the sixth grade. My body has been physically mature for a long time. If I were 16, I wouldn't hesitate to fast, but it's your body and you'll know it best. If you are concerned, make a doctor's appointment and talk about your desire to fast. You can make up some crap about spiritual reasons and the desire to cleanse your body. Whatever. A lot of sources advise doing this no matter how old you are.
I hope this is helpful. I'm sorry I don't have a very solid answer for you.
Thanks to all of you who are reading and commenting. I'm sorry my weekends suck so much for blogging. But I'm off to go blog reading and will be catching up today. <3
Thursday, March 26, 2009
We had a blizzard today and classes were canceled. At first I was so excited, but then I just sort of wasted my day. Couldn't drive anywhere and my roommate has been here all day so I feel so restricted. That's why I don't have much time for this. Don't want to be blogging about starving with my roommate right next to me. School will be closed tomorrow too, so probably have the same problem. Hopefully I'll find something better to do with my time.
I did manage to workout finally when my roommate went to have dinner. It was pretty intense, but I figured I'd work extra hard since I'd been so lazy today and didn't have class. I actually started feeling really faint at one point, but I drank some water and worked through it.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I started my fast a bit late for lent, but I will still be doing 32 days of water fasting. It's kind of cool to say I gave up calories for lent. Maybe next year I'll be able to go the whole way.
Last week, I didn't take the multivitamin I had been taking (One-A-Day Weightsmart), only because I just forgot about it. But this week I'm going to take it every day. It supposedly boosts your metabolism, but I don't know what sort of difference that it will actually make. We'll see! I'm also going to work out, which I'm pretty sure will make a difference, so there's no real way of knowing if the vitamin is helping. Oh well. I lost 8 and half pounds last week, my goal this week is just to lose more. It'd be so great to lose 10 pounds in just a week.
Yesterday my workout was pretty random. I just did whatever I could think of while I watched Law and Order, heh. I get so weak, I can't do one excercise for very long stretches, but I was able to stay moving for the whole hour and got a sweat going. Afterwards, I felt so drained I just lay on the couch and vegged out to recover. I had enough energy to make it through class a couple hours later, but I could definitely feel the difference. Hopefully, I will the fruits of my labor on the scale this weekend.
Savory, you're so cute. I'm happy you're able to use me as inspiration. That puts the pressure on for me to not mess up. Thank goodness you caught that your/you're fiasco! That could have been ugly. In answer to your question, I don't weigh because I don't own a scale. My boyfriend and I have outrageously different schedules, so I only get to see him on weekends this term. So when I spend the night, I sneak a weigh on his scale in the mornings. I sometimes feel like I'm suffering for it, but I do think numbers can be misleading a lot of the time. Especially if we weigh every day. Once a week is really plenty. I think you get a more accurate picture of how you're actually doing if you wait.
Thanks for all the other comments. I'm looking forward to reading y'alls blogs now. Hopefully my comments can be inspiring too. <3
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Still starving. Last night I had a food dream. During my last fast I had them all the time. I dreamed of eating and breaking my fast and then I would feel so guilty in my dream. The dreams were always so vivid and felt so real and when I woke up I would still have the guilty feeling with me. It was actually helpful because it definitely made me not want to cheat.
In my dream last night, I was eating something really gross from a mall food court. Ew. It's strange that I could dream of all sorts of amazing food, but my crazy mind chooses to dream of really crappy french fries. Oh well, I'm not feeling tempted in the least. I wish I could weigh though. Waiting a week is tortorous!
I'm already having to juggle my weekend to avoid spending too much time with anyone. It totally sucks. Last week my boyfriend was really trying to feed me, which he doesn't normally do. I'm afraid he's already suspicious.
Yesterday I did some research on extended water fasts. I read about people doing water fasts for 90 days. Geeze. There was a guy who weighed like 400 pounds and got down to 200. Isn't that amazing, just three months to completely change your life. After 3-5 days, your body stops actually feeling hungry. Any hunger or cravings will just be spychological. Apparently, you won't have any hunger pains until your body runs out of fat to burn. There are people who water fast until every single pound of fat is gone. That sounds so cool. I wish I had the freedom to do that, but I'd pretty much have to abandon all of my relationships.
Anyway, your comments are truly wonderful. I'm so thankful to be a member of this community. You keep me strong! <3
Monday, March 23, 2009
Anyway today is day Fourteen! It's really going by quickly. I'm definitely feeling much more renewed than I was last time I posted. Weighing definitely did the trick. I decided to continue on the water fast until I could weigh because I wanted an accurate picture of how much I was losing just on water. Eight and a half pounds in one week and it wasn't even the first week! I'm so thrilled. This is way way more than I was losing on the juice fast. I don't ever want to stop fasting now.
I'm going to keep on water at least until April and just do a week of juice before I start incorporating foods. I have to be ready for real food at least by April 18th. I'll probably change my plans twenty more times before then. I'm just feeling obsessed with being as skinny as possible for my boyfriend's birthday. My jeans are practically falling off me now, which I love even though I know they look terrible. And my neck is starting to look so amazing, my bones are so pronounced. I'm thinking I may splurge and buy something new and small to wear for him.
My trip to the zoo ended up going fine and it was easy to avoid going out to eat. Thanks especially to Kat for the encouragement on that front. It really is hard to give up on friends and relationship for the sake of starving.
KQ, thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement. To answer your question about working out, no I don't work out while I fast. Water fasting is pretty intense and very energy draining. I go to culinary school and my classes are six hours long. Six hours running around an intense kitchen is enough to leave me totally exhausted by the time it's over when all I have for energy is water. My classes go to late at night, so working out in the day just wouldn't leave me enough energy to make it through class. I do play around with weights a little bit, but when I do my goal isn't to totally wear myself out, if that makes sense.
Everyone's body is different so your energy levels during a fast will be different. I think it's important to stay active, but also important to reserve energy. You don't want to call attention to yourself by over doing it. It's a personal thing to know what your body can handle, just have to carefully test it out.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
My boyfriend and I are going to the zoo on Saturday and now his sister is going to be joining us. Apparently she mentioned going to dinner afterward, which would be great, except I'm due to be starving that day. I figure I can avoid food at the zoo, especially since I will have just come from a Saturday baking class and can say that I ate a lot of bread, but there's nothing I can do if we all go out to eat. So I had to tell my boyfriend that I didn't want to eat out with his sister. I still feel awful. And this is certainly not helping my motivation.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Lulu (http://ginandtrouble.blogspot.com/) left a very encouraging comment, but also asked about metabolism and whether I'm worried about it dropping. This is definitely an issue with fasting. It will cause your metabolism to slow down significantly. This is why breaking a fast can actually be harder than doing the fast.
It's incredibly easy to gain weight after a fast, as I found out after my last one. The important thing is to very slowly reintroduce foods to your body, starting with nutrient dense, low calorie foods such as raw fruits and vegetables. Your metabolism will go back up if you give it time. Also weight training is a great way to increase your metabolism.
When I was doing all my research about fasting and the benefits, I read that fasting cleans out your body so well that it is able to run better. It said that it can actually improve your metabolism in the long run, though this is assuming you don't immediately pollute your body with bad foods right after the fast.
Basically a successful fast depends as much on the weeks after as it does on the weeks during. I'm still trying to figure out when I'm going to end mine. I'm thinking that I will end it on Sunday the 5th of April. That will give me two weeks before my boyfriend's birthday to work my way up to a more normal diet. Hopefully I can avoid gaining after the fast.
I hope this answers your question, Lulu. And I hope you're not scared away from fasting. I still think it is quite a powerful weight loss method. Thanks so much to other commenters!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Also, I have lost a ton of weight. I was able to weigh yesterday at my boyfriend's. I had gained at least ten pounds maybe even more from spring break and Valentine's day (ew!) and now I've lost all of that plus a couple more, and it's only been seven days. Water fasting is amazing. I almost hate to start drinking juice, though I'm sure I'll need the energy soon.
Last night I went to a salsa dancing lesson the school was doing. I couldn't get any of my friends to go, so I almost didn't. I decided to go alone and I'm so glad I did. It was a blast! Plus, a ton of exercise. I'd really love to take some dancing lessons, but I'm not sure I could afford it. I'll just have to see how I do on money in the next couple of weeks, but I'd love to burn calories in a fun way.
I don't have much time to read and comment today so I'll be sure to catch up tonight. As always, your comments are wonderful and I love you all for it! I hope everyone is doing great and thinking thin! <3
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Today my tongue has started getting the weird white coating on it from fasting. It's my least favorite side effect of a fast because I get really self conscious about kissing, but I was kind of happy to see it this morning. It's a sign of what I'm doing. A sign of the control.
I'm going to see my boyfriend tonight. It's been like three weeks since I've seen him. I'm very needy, so that's a very long time for me. But I have to show up at his house a bit late to avoid having to eat, and I'll have to leave early tomorrow for the same reason. I have to keep reminding myself that it's so worth it. Part of my birthday present to him will be a skinnier me. He'd never admit it, but I know he'll like that.
Something strange happened to Internet Explorer on this computer. I was making comments on y'all's blogs and they weren't showing up. And I made a long post that also didn't show up. I downloaded Firefox and I'm back in business, but I can't get the history to clear out of Explorer and I'm a little paranoid about my roommate or someone stumbling across this blog.
So today will be my catchup day on reading and commenting. Thanks to everyone who's been commenting on my blog and encouraging me. It means a lot and it's such a huge help. Holly is definitely right that we are stronger together. Also, Holly, I would love for you to get in on the fasting action with Jenna and me!
To answer your question about daily multivitamins - Most of the research I've done, which is quite a lot, on fasting has said that any medication or vitamins shouldn't be taken during a fast. Most sources all seem to say that a ten day water fast is really all that is healthy and some even say that water fasting at all isn't healthy. If we're only talking about a water fast, you aren't going to become nutrient deprived in ten days.
When we move into juice fasts however, thirty days is the standard. But there are plenty of people who advocate longer juice fasts. People do juice fasts all the way up to 100 days and beyond. That's a long time. And it seems like you could certainly suffer from that many days without proper nutrients. Most of these fasting sources say that fresh juice made from a juicer and consumed right away is the only way to go. Fresh juice does have a ton more nutrients than bottled juice, but I don't have a juicer and certainly can't afford to dish out the money for one. I do think that if you're drinking a variety of fresh juices you definitely don't need any sort of vitamins.
On my last fast, I didn't take any multivitamins and I was drinking bottled juice (always the no sugar added pure juice stuff that I watered down). It didn't seem to have any bad effects on me, but this time I've been taking One-A-Day Weightsmart. I love that pill. When this fast is over, I will compare to my first one and see which method worked best. I don't think that a multivitamin will ruin a fast either way you go really.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
There's no better feeling of control than cooking some amazing dish or meal and not eating a single bite. And that is what I spent six hours doing yesterday! We made muffins, corn bread, wheat bread, multi-grain bread, baguettes, dinner rolls, zucchini bread, and two different types of pound cake. The amazing thing is that I didn’t even want it. I didn’t feel deprived. I’m definitely in the right sort of mood for fasting. It’s perfect.
And Jenna (of Resolve to Dissolve) has also started a 10 day fast. It’s great to have a buddy for support. It’s a lot easier when there’s someone there with you. I’m feeling so good about this fast, I’d be devastated if I let it get away from me.
Hopefully today will go as well as yesterday. And hopefully you all are doing well with your plans!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Today I won't do that. I've been reading lots and lots of blogs. I'm trying to get caught up and comment on everyone's. I've also been looking around Kat's (of Quest for Perfection) for new Pro-Ana websit, which is absolutely gorgeous and very well done! I definitely suggest checking it out.
You girls are all just such amazing Thinspiration. Yesterday I wanted to justify breaking the fast so many times. It was only the first day and felt like the greatest struggle. Today I am Thinspired! I feel so good. I was watching TV earlier and saw a commercial for all this greasy IHOP food, and it actually made me nauseous. I have zero desire for food today and I feel so powerful. I love it.
I've come up with my plan for the rest of this month and most of next. I will continue on my ten day water fast until the 19th. On the 20th I will start a month long juice fast. My boyfriend's birthday is on the 20th of April and there is no way I can avoid eating then, so my juice fast will end up being like 26 or 27 days so I have enough time to get used to small amounts of food.
This is going to be very hard, but I feel like I can do it. If anyone would like to join me on either of my fasts or just do a different plan, I'd love the company.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The only thing to do is starve. I'm starting another fast! This time I'm going to do a ten day water fast. It's supposed to have the same detox benefits as a 30 day juice fast, but is much more intense. I really really want to cleanse all of those Southern home cooked meals out of me.
I haven't decided what I'll do after the ten days exactly. I will definitely switch over to a juice fast for a bit. The good news is that with my new school schedule I hardly see my roommate, so it should be easy to fast.
I hate that I've been away so long. It seriously works against me. I am much stronger when have the support of all you gals and have to write my successes and failures down.
So far I haven't eaten anything, but it's only 9am. I wanted to start my fast yesterday, but I gave in when I got back from the airport. I resisted homemade barbeque and leftover Chinese food only to give in to a gross potato chip at the end of the day. So stupid. But today is a new day and I have all of you again!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
So I'm on day two of my three day water fast. Yesterday was easy because I was doing a million different things and really didn't have any free time. I love being busy, it's awesome for fasting. Unfortunately, my roommate has class until 8:30 tonight and I have nothing to do except think about how hungry my stomach is and all the food sitting in the frig. Ugh. But reading blogs and typing here is such a big help to me. I have to type a paper though and I tend to want to snack when I'm doing boring homework. It's a really bad habit.
Jenna mentioned that her problem with fasting is caused by some serious headaches, so I thought I would attempt to outline some of the stuff your body goes through during a fast. Everyone's body is different and will feel different things, but it's good to be prepared for what can happen because it can be really uncomfortable at times.
Once you start on a fast your body will start an intense detox. Our bodies detox regularly without fasting, but since we're always adding more food the body isn't able to do it as seriously as it does when we fast. The whole process of digesting food and sending it all the way through the body is a pretty big job. When the digestive system gets a break, our bodies have more time to devote to cleaning up. Plus we aren't adding new toxins, so it's a much deeper clean.
One side effect of the detox thing that seems to happen to everyone is bad breath and a weird sort of white coating all over the tongue. You know how when you wake up in the morning your breath isn't ever very fresh even though you brush your teeth really well. I think most people think this is because of rotting food, but if you're doing a good job on your teeth and flossing! there shouldn't be any food left. It's actually your body doing a detox while you sleep. Let's say you eat dinner at six then nothing before you go to bed, it could easily be twelve, fourteen hours that you've gone without food. This is long enough for your body to be in a sort of mini fast and start detoxing. This was my least favorite thing that happened during my long fast. I was soooo self concious about it and terrified of kissing my boyfriend. But still, it's worth the weight loss.
Light headiness will be another side effect that's bound to happen. The only thing you can do is try to stand up slowly and if you feel faint, sit down right away. You don't want to bring attention to yourself by passing out.
I had some headaches while I was on the fast, but nothing too bad. From what I've read this seems like a pretty come side effect though. I did have a ton of stomach aches and it was miserable. It's hard to feel nauseous and sick for weeks at a time. Just have to focus on the amazing feeling of control and the pounds falling off. At least nausea helps to kill an appetite.
I've read about people getting more pimples and sores, but my face was actually totally clear while I fasted. I live in a very dry climate so I struggled to keep myself hydrated on water alone. We actually absorb most of our water through food because it sits in our stomachs longer so our bodies can actually make use of it. When we're just drinking water it can sort of go right through us, so dehydration can be a problem. I had a lot of issues sleeping. I would wake up and my mouth would be so dry and my throat would feel like it was cracking. It was pretty painful, but that was well into maybe the third week of my fast.
I would reccomend that everyone do their own research on fasting. Luck favors the prepared, right? I've been focusing on the bad, but there are tons of benefits beside weight loss. Anyway, I hope this was helpful to everyone and especially to Jenna. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about this crappy stuff that happens, I wouldn't really recommend trying pain killers on an empty stomach.
Thanks for the well wishes, Kat! The encouragment feels so great right now. And R Harlow B, I'm glad you stopped by!
Lots of <3s to all of you! Think thin!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The amazing thing about doing an extended fast is that your body stops getting hungry pretty quickly. The first day of a fast, if you start in the morning, you probably won't start to feel too hungry until the afternoon. Your metabolism will have slown down as you slept and skipping breakfast will keep it at that slow pace. Your stomach won't stop whining until later. I find that starting a fast at the beginning of a busy week is perfect. As long as you stay busy and distracted, the stomach pains don't bother me very much.
Everyone's body is different. The slower your metabolism is, the easier it will be to fast. A fast metabolism will lose weight a lot faster, but it definitely seems like you'd be less likely to stick it out for the long haul. An extended fast is a miracle for weight loss. You will lose weight, no matter what size you start at or what sort of exercize you do.
After the first three or four days of a fast, again this will depend on your body, you will no longer feel hunger pains. Your body sort of accepts that there isn't any food coming in and starts worrying about other sources of energy such as FAT! One pound of fat can supply your body with 3,500 calories, so there is no chance of starvation as long as you have fat on your body. Our bodies were meant to survive through famine, so a fast is actually a natural thing. Abuse of fasting can lead to problems, of course. But there is so much information on all the good things it can do for you, besides the weight loss.
Jenna said she was having trouble getting her fast to extend past a few days. I do have a lot of tips you can try, but I think learning about our own food triggers and what to avoid is the most important thing. Learning how to deprive our bodies may just take practice. Don't give up! Keep encouraging yourself and keep trying. It may be better to start with small fasting goals and work your way up. Just don't let yourself get too discouraged.
So. Just because our bodies don't physically feel hungry, doesn't mean it's going to be easy not to eat. Food is such a part of lives and a lot of us have so emotional dependency on it, so giving it up cold turkey can be just as hard as any other addiction.
I find that I eat when I'm by myself and I think that's true for a lot of us. It's so much easier to be strong and say no when people are watching. Makes sense to surround yourself with people then, at least for me. Being by myself in a room with a fridge is usually a bad thing for me. And I'm pretty good at avoiding going out or buying food, since I have the excuse of being a poor college student. This unfortunately doesn't work with my boyfriend, who pays for everything, so I have to avoid him a bit when I fast. I hate that part.
One thing that really really helped me when I first started my 30 day fast was to research fasting. I read and read and read about it. There's so much positive info about it, it's really hard to want to eat when you're reading about how amazing you're going to be when you don't, plus it's something that takes up time I might otherwise spend eating or obsessing over food. Posting in this blog and reading all of yours is another great way to not eat.
I also brush my teeth a lot. Any time I really feel like eating something, I just go and brush my teeth. Food will taste gross after that and it will give me time to weigh the pros and cons of whatever food I'm thinking about. The pros of thin always win out. I also wear my retainer a lot more when I'm trying not to eat. It's just one more step seperating me from the food. Every little bit helps.
I definitely think distractions are the key. And keeping track of your progress. Even if it's only the first day of your fast and you've only made it through the afternoon, keep encouraging yourself. Reward yourself for every victory, every piece of food you decline. I also tend to think it's a good idea not to get obsessed with the numbers on the scale. I try to weigh about once a week at the same time (mornings I tend to think are best). Your body can do a lot of adjusting in a very short period of time, so this should give you the most accurate picture of how you're progressing over time. I like to keep a calendar and cross out every day I go without food and give myself a star for the days I just did water and track my weight loss. Seeing this like this is super encouraging for me. I absolutely have to keep positive or I end up really sabotaging myself.
To answer Jena's (Violet) question. I have lost 43 pounds in all. But only 23 since I started the fast. Most of that weight is what I gained last year (gross!) but I'm still so happy about it. I want to lose a lot more, but I already feel like a new person. My face is more angular and pretty. My neck bones seem so much more prominent and I love the way my hip bones feel. And I move better now. I feel more graceful and flexible. I absolutely love it. I'll be weighing again tomorrow and I'm hoping that I haven't gained anything from my binge. I want to lose about 7 more pounds before I go home on the 26th, we'll see if I can.
Okay, totally going to be late for class.
<3 I really can't wait to read up on everyone's blogs. I missed you all soooo much!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I have to keep posting. I think not posting is really killing my motivation. I'm so close to meeting my goal for my trip home. I can't let myself ruin it now.
So this morning I let myself have a couple spoonfulls of soup broth. Once I allow myself a little bit of slack, I always end up taking too much. But I am going to fix this. I had a half of a sandwhich when I got back to class. Ugh. It's not horrible, but I'm still going to have to make up for it.
My plan for the rest of the month is to fast next week from Monday to Friday and eat as little as possible on the weekends. Now that I live with a roommate, it's pretty much impossible for me to fast over the weekends, plus this way I can still go out with my boyfriend.
I have a big project due tomorrow, so gotta go work. I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs as soon as I can!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I can't believe this. Everything was perfect. I started eating on Thursday. A couple of bites of applesauce in the morning. Four carrots over the course of the day. More applesauce for dinner. Same sort of thing on Friday. Saturday I did have a half a plain turkey sandwhich for lunch, but I think that was good since I had my big dinner with the boyfriend that night. And it was fabulous. I ate a little more than I planned, but I let it go, still lost a pound and a half that week. Pretty good for taking my body out of starvation mode.
Today started out great. Had an english muffin thingy with egg for breakfast, but I ate it super slowly, so it was kind of lunch and breakfast. Then had a tiny portion of rice and veggie stuff my roommate made. I'm not sure how many calories it was, but she's on a diet so I know nothing too bad was in it.
BUT THEN I HAD TO GO AND MESS EVERYTHING UP. I just feel so dumb and horrible and gross. I had like a bowl of split pea soup and a few more bites of that rice shit. Half of a ham and turkey wrap with cheese and mustard. About a fourth of a cup of disgusting sugary cereal. And a yuck greasy meatball. Just typing all of that out is so embarrassing. I think I'm going to cry imagining all of that food sitting in my stomach. I want to go puke so badly, but I can't let myself get back into doing that.
I finally was able to stop myself. I threw the other meatball down the garbage disposal and said out loud "I will not be ruled by food!" over and over.
This wasn't the worst binge I've ever had. And if it had been spread out over the course of the day, I would have been disappointed, but okay with it. But now I just feel like I failed after an entire month of eating nothing. It feels so bad.
Tomorrow I am launching myself into another fast. I'll do juice tomorrow but the rest of the week is going to be strictly water fasting. I don't give a shit if I make myself sick on food for Valentine's day or if I just have to tell my boyfriend I have the flu. Nothing matters but thin and I will not lose control of myself again. I still have eight pounds to lose by the 26th. And I probably will gain from today. Just saw my roommate coming back. Gotta quick writing.
I love you girls. I need you so much. <3
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I had originally planned to fast through Friday, the 6th. But my boyfriend and I have a dinner date on Saturday. I've been avoiding him so much lately, he's even commented on how I seem distant. I think my boyfriend is even more important to me than starving, so I can't get out of this. We're having sushi, so I think it will be a pretty good first meal, since I can order a roll that is very light and hopefully won't upset my stomach. But I want to take Friday to try to prepare my body for food. It will have actually been 32 days on Friday since I had that three day water fast right before I started on juice.
They sell these smoothie drinks in the campus store that I might try on Thursday. Give my stomach some actual fiber to digest. Then on Friday I'll start with a tiny bit of applesauce first thing, that should be pretty easy and maybe an orange or something for dinner. I just really really don't want to make myself sick. I've been feeling sick for way too long. After this weekend I think I'll do like a 500 calorie a day limit. I want my body to get out of starvation mode before my Valentine's Day dinner because I know that's going to be sooo many calories and fat. Maybe I should even go higher than 500? I don't really know.
I'm going to try to catch up on everyone's blogs while I have some free time. I moved in with a friend of mine who lives on campus, so a secret move in. It's made it really hard to post on here. I have to use her computer for everything and I just can't risk anyone discovering this. I will just try to do the best I can.
I love all you gals. Even when I can't post, I'm still thinking about everyone and just knowing you're here is such a huge support for me. You rock!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I am a horrible blogger. But I'm actually in the midst of a very sudden move. Eek! So my life is topsy turvy right now. I hardly have time for anything. But hopefully once I get settled in, I'll have more time. The big move happens this weekend. Right now I'm focusing on how I'm going to get everything packed by then.
As for my fast, still going. Though last weekend was very difficult. I spent all weekend with at my friend's house and it was so obvious I wasn't eating, they kept pestering. So I had to do some faking. It was really easy to pretend to eat a big hunk of this facaccia bread because no one was paying attention to me. I just wrapped it up in a paper towel and threw it away later. I was forced a half of a chicken sandwhich that wasn't quite so simple. I've never done any fake eating before, so I don't think it was that convincing, but no one commented. I did actually have to put some in my mouth, which was kind of horrible after so long without tasting anything like that. Kind of sickening, actually. But I didn't swallow anything. I even washed my mouth out to make sure that I nothing would make it into my stomach.
Unfortunately I have been feeling so sick this week. Nauseous, light headed, headaches, everything. It's horrible. I know it's worth it, but I don't like feeling this way. Bleh. I get to weigh on Friday! It's been a whole week, so I'm hoping for five pounds. I hope that's not asking too much. We'll see.
Anyway, sorry for the absence, but there's only going to be more of that until next week. But I'm thinking about you girls. I hope everyone is doing well!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
But seriously. Who wants to wait that long? We're not Pro-Ana because we do everything the sensible way, right? I jumped right into a water fast which is much more intense than a juice fast. I did get headaches and felt pretty weak and drained of energy, but you just have to keep visualizing the end results. Most of us have been on a restricted diet anyway and we're young, so our bodies' detox process shouldn't be as bad as someone in their forties who eats tons of junk food and three thousand calories a day.
One thing that may be a struggle for some is giving up cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol. But if you continue to pollute your body with these things it will make the detoxification more difficult. I've read about people giving up all kinds of addictions through fasting, so maybe this is the time to try that.
Another thing. It isn't recommended that you take any sort of supplements during a fast. I know that sounds really odd, but that's what ever fasting article I've read has said, though I haven't really figured out the reasoning. I'll try to get more info on that.
Sweeteners are another no no. Juice is usually already sweet anyway, but if you're drinking tea you can use honey. This is the only animal product that should be consumed during a fast. Sugar is bad for obvious reasons, but artificial sweeteners are no good either. They are not healthy at all and are just something else for your body to have to clean up. No reason for that. I've heard of a natural no calorie sweetener called Stevia, but I don't know much about it. It's something to look into if you really feel you need some more sweet.
The most important thing to do to prepare is to get your mind in the right place. Set your goals, no matter what they are. Start small if you need to, you can always extend the goals once you get there. Focus on what you want to achieve. Thin! Think about that all the time. Think about that every time the idea of food pops into your head. Keep blogging, keep getting the support you need. And keep motivated yourself!
Now it's time to start starving!
Tomorrow I'll post something on how to actually to a juice fast, beyond preparation. Fasting is really a great feeling. Thanks for the questions!