Monday, April 13, 2009

Last night turned into a very rough night.

I don't really want to write about it, but I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog. My boyfriend came over yesterday after his Easter dinner and brought me deviled eggs. It was very sweet of him because he knows how much I love these, but they are definitely not the type of food that should be eaten when breaking a fast. I was only going to eat one, and then I was only going to have two, and then they were all gone, and I felt like dying. My first day would have been perfect if it hadn't been for those stupid eggs.

I was really freaking out. I imagined myself gaining back all the weight I had lost and then some in a sort of blowfish maneuver. I started excercising really intensly, but my stomach was starting to feel really weird. And all my dumb pants are too big for me now and I'm so short, they've mostly just gotten too long, so I tripped over my pant leg and fell down. I started crying, not really because I was hurt, more because I felt so sick of myself, so defeated. I went into the bathroom and purged. I haven't done that in a really long time, and I hate it. It did make me feel better though. I finished working out and went to bed.

I know I seriously overreacted. I was acting like the world was falling in and I didn't even eat that much, really. Today I have no appetite at all. I can hardly even bring myself to drink water. I will eat tomorrow, start over and try again I guess. But really truly I never want to eat again. I want to fast until my body has eaten every single pound of fat. I hate feeling like I don't have control. I have to eat so my boyfriend won't know I'm starving myself and my friends won't worry. I hate my boyfriend. I hate my friends. I just want to lose more weight.

I'm definitely being crazy right now. I'll get over this soon I hope.

I'm really looking forward to reading blogs today. You all will be my escape. As always, thanks for your comments and support. I don't know where I would be without all of you. Seriously. <3


  1. Oh Eva. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.
    I know how it feels to feel obligated by friends and family to eat, and it's terrible. It really is enough to make someone want to stay away from everyone they love, but in the end it isn't worth it.
    I'm sure your boyfriend loves you and only wants the best for you, even though this is something he probably just wouldn't understand.
    I'm sure you'll feel better soon.
    <3 -Laura

  2. Oh dear, I'm sorry you had a bad night.

    I know how tempting it is to isolate yourself till 'all the weight is gone' but you'll end up feeling much worse in the long run!

    I know purging is a terrible habit but at least you didnt actually digest all those calories. bright side??

    Freak outs are horrible, hoping you feel better with a shifted perspective by tomorrow! xx

  3. You know, I used to get really panicky in similar situations...which is why I decided that pilates/yoga/meditation are the best way to go. It really calms you down, and helps you focus on the bigger picture. Anyway, point is that those deviled eggs will not cause any harm to your body, but the stress/anxiety from eating them will. It's so easy to lose yourself in the negative thoughts, but remember, at the end of the day, you are in control of your choices! One slip up is not going snowball into something worse unless you want it that way!

    don't fret doll, you are doing so good! you are in a much better place than you were months ago, so cheer up!

    anyway---> thank you so much for the fasting's so informative. Unfortunately, la mere won't budge (I have tried this morning as well)...and while I can't change dinner plans, I can stop breakfast and lunch from happening. The sad part is that I am forgoing my daily runs as well =( I'll let you know how it goes...! but thank you for the info/advice, something to think about!


  4. Sorry you had a lousy night. :( You've come so far though, you've done so well, don't let it get you down too much. Oh and if you and Savory move in together you best have a comfy couch for me to starve on lol.

  5. Ok, you should absolutely not feel bad... Deviled Eggs are SINFULLY wonderful. God, they are my binge food for sure. My mom makes them at every holiday because she knows I love them. So I *definitely* know where you're coming from!

    You can pick yourself up and start fresh, possibly with an even stronger will than before. I'm always here for you!!