Last night turned into a very rough night.
I don't really want to write about it, but I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog. My boyfriend came over yesterday after his Easter dinner and brought me deviled eggs. It was very sweet of him because he knows how much I love these, but they are definitely not the type of food that should be eaten when breaking a fast. I was only going to eat one, and then I was only going to have two, and then they were all gone, and I felt like dying. My first day would have been perfect if it hadn't been for those stupid eggs.
I was really freaking out. I imagined myself gaining back all the weight I had lost and then some in a sort of blowfish maneuver. I started excercising really intensly, but my stomach was starting to feel really weird. And all my dumb pants are too big for me now and I'm so short, they've mostly just gotten too long, so I tripped over my pant leg and fell down. I started crying, not really because I was hurt, more because I felt so sick of myself, so defeated. I went into the bathroom and purged. I haven't done that in a really long time, and I hate it. It did make me feel better though. I finished working out and went to bed.
I know I seriously overreacted. I was acting like the world was falling in and I didn't even eat that much, really. Today I have no appetite at all. I can hardly even bring myself to drink water. I will eat tomorrow, start over and try again I guess. But really truly I never want to eat again. I want to fast until my body has eaten every single pound of fat. I hate feeling like I don't have control. I have to eat so my boyfriend won't know I'm starving myself and my friends won't worry. I hate my boyfriend. I hate my friends. I just want to lose more weight.
I'm definitely being crazy right now. I'll get over this soon I hope.
I'm really looking forward to reading blogs today. You all will be my escape. As always, thanks for your comments and support. I don't know where I would be without all of you. Seriously. <3