Friday, January 6, 2012

Don't Let's Eat Tonight

Day two of the fast is going well. I did have a glass of wine last night, but since no chewing was involved, I'm going to let it go. I just love how tipsy I get when I'm not eating. I'm going out in a bit, too. So there might be a little more drinking involved. A girl's gotta have some fun! And booze is always better than food.

Fasting again feels so good. I've been restricting pretty heavily for a long time, but it's just not the same as the complete control of simply not eating. I feel so calm. All of the usual anxiety revolving around food and everything else melts away, and I'm left with such a clear mind. I just feel like I could do anything. And I just might.

I had a lot of interesting comments on the last post before my hiatus. Lots of really nice, supportive comments. And then some really nasty ones. To be honest, having a bunch of anonymous posters getting all puffed up over my blog makes me feel like something of a blogger rock star. Also, I am not dead. Thanks for the concern though.

I got an email from a producer for the Dr. Phil Show. And since I like to be able to give a voice to this community that presents it in a more positive and accurate light than many other voices do (as evidenced by our anonymous commenters), I did a little phone interview with him. He's very nice, very non-judgmental, and seemed to genuinely want to learn the truth about this twisted little world. They are apparently still looking for someone who would be willing to go on the show and talk about her experiences in the pro-ana world. I value my anonymity way too much to do that, but if any of you would like to, just let me know and I will pass on his contact info. I think sharing our story is a good thing to do, if you are brave enough to let the whole world in.

Maybe it's my phone sex operator instincts, but something about talking to a strange man on the phone makes me want to seduce him. I refrained from doing that tonight - probably highly inappropriate and totally hot. I think I'll have to do something about this itch tonight before the fast dries me up.

Goodnight, girlies. Have a fun Friday night! <3

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Here We Go, Again

Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back. It's been over a year; I look forward to seeing how much this little community has changed. A year since I've blogged and a year since I've fasted. Today is my first day for both. Another new year, another fresh start. I wonder how many times I'll do this. But it's never too late to start over.

All in all, the last year has been fairly good. I'm at pretty much the same place I was when I left. I've been reasonably healthy for the past six months. I've almost entirely stopped throwing up, which is pretty huge. But I haven't been able to go a single day without eating. It's 11pm now and I haven't eaten a single bite, but that doesn't mean I'm going to make it through today. I just need to fast; I can't tell you how much I miss it. And I think it's significant that for all the time I haven't blogged, I haven't been able to fast.

I cannot wait to reconnect with you beautiful girls. I have so so many emails to read and respond to, and I promise I will get to them all. But I have to go to sleep before I find myself wandering into the kitchen to ruin my whole day of hard work. Tomorrow will be a new day; I know I will need the inspiration that your words will give me.

Happy New Year's, girls. Let's make it count. <3

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Unraveling

I am falling apart. Just functioning is a struggle I'm not sure I can overcome. I don't want to fail all of my classes. But it's all I can do to pull myself out of bed and often I don't. How can I study or do projects?

At least I can still starve. If only I could do more than that.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Power of The Scale

I just weighed myself for the first time in a very very long time. The Scale of Justice spit out a number lower than the high weight I had been imagining in my head. However, imagining a higher number doesn't work all that well since I knew it was too high. The number I got isn't all that disappointing, I just wonder if I can be back down to my low weight by Thanksgiving. That is what I'd like. I think I can at least get close, maybe get back into my pretty clothes.

I ordered the Scale online. In person, it's a different color, still nice. It's more modern, sleeker looking. Seems to work well. I am pleased with my purchase. At this point, I can see the weight coming off, but felt I needed the Scale to prove to myself that fasting is worth it.

Unfortunately the number I got makes me wonder how much I let myself gain. Though I try not to think of it, look forward, stay positive, I can't help but dwell. I imagine what size I might be right now if I weren't just having to lose the same weight for a second time. Quite a bummer.

I am still water fasting. I haven't been posting too much about it. Writing about not eating every day is a bit repetitive. I've lost count of the days now. I sort of like not counting. Like there is no end and no beginning to my starvation. I will be fasting until Thanksgiving at least. I really just want to fast until I hit my goal weight. I don't know if I can. Holidays are a bitch.

I'm going to go watch The Biggest Loser for a shot of inspiration. I just love watching those people get control over themselves and change their lives so drastically. Very inspiring.

All your support lifts me up, girls. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It's Okay to Leave Your Apartment, You Know

He's mad at me. I can tell even through the curt text message. Only two words. No period. Ignored my thank you. We talk every night, but tonight is the third night I've avoided him. The weight of his dependence on me is too much to carry around. Avoidance is how I treat everyone, it's finally his turn.

I'm such a hermit these days. I talk very little about that here. Maybe it seems like it's nothing to do with this eating disorder, but truthfully everything is to do with that. I almost only leave my apartment for class, and only if I must. Just walking to campus is cause for anxiety.

Though I am enormous and fat, I feel very small and scared walking along the edge of the sidewalk wearing my over sized jacket when it's really too warm for that. Though I feel very small, I cannot help imagining everyone's eyes on me. I wonder at what they must think of me. The judgments they might be making, and things they might think if they could actually see me, in the way no one sees me. Not even here.

Maybe it was the shrink and the the frank discussion of my disorder. It was the first time I've come face to face with everything I'm doing, the first time I've admitted it all out loud in one sitting. There's more of course, always more, but it was as much as I could divulge in an hour. Somehow now that it's all out there in the world, written across a page of his yellow legal pad, linked to me and not just a faceless blogger identity; I feel it all the more intensely. Or maybe I'm just more aware of it and how far from normal, from healthy, I've come.

My reclusive habits stem from my fat and the shame that lives in every pound. It isn't the eating disorder. I've had the eating disorder much longer than I've had this monstrous, self-inflicted loneliness. I'm inside solitude so deeply, I don't believe I could get out even if I wanted to. And now I am pushing away the one person I've relied on for actual contact.

I know I can get myself out of this. I just need to lose more weight. I just need to fit back into those lovely clothes waiting for me in my closet. My new scale will be here on Tuesday. I am going to do this. Fast until I'm happy.

Flirtations with Recovery

I went to a shrink. My university offers free counseling to students. My house guest last week (she's gone now, thank goodness) was suffering a sort of mental breakdown, hence the living with me for a bit. She's someone I've been fairly close to off and on, but no matter how little we see each other, when we do, we always seem to be able to share everything. We are both completely nuts in our own ways, we may not understand the other's mental issues, but we can listen without judgement and tell without fear of it. She's the only person who knows about my eating disorder.

The week she was with me was full of long discussions of our respective crazy. She encouraged me to see a counselor, something that had been floating around in my head for months. Then on Monday after she left, I guess the sudden influx of alone time was too difficult to resist, I had an awful binge/purge session. I think if I hadn't done that, I would not have gone to the counselor. Since I only feel crazy when I'm eating and throwing up.

But I did go. It was about an hour. I was surprisingly honest when divulging the most horrific parts of my eating disorder. I thought I might die when he asked me what food I binge on. I can't tell if it was a relief to tell him any of it or not. I feel more motivated not to purge, more motivated to fast. At the end of the session, after telling him my worst, he basically said they don't have the resources to deal with my eating disorder. And he told me I couldn't just stop purging, I'd have to stop fasting. He described the treatment which would involve doctors, a nutritionist, and an eating disorder specialist. Of course I imagine the dollar signs tied up around all that, but mostly I have this ridiculous, irrational, intense fear fill me up when I think about all that.

I didn't commit to anything, and told him I could come back for another session maybe. When I left I googled the eating disorder specialist he told me about. Reading about her detailed treatment plan really freaked me out. I'm fairly certain I won't go to another appointment. I know I'm not going to any eating disorder specialist. I guess, losing weight is much more important to me than anything else right now. Maybe when my old skinny clothes fit again I'll be more inclined to want to change. But right now, I'm still fat.

We'll see what happens. Whether I keep going to the counselor or not. For now I'm happy at least that it stopped me from going into a long binge/purge period and I'm back on track with fasting. If anyone is thinking about seeing a therapist, or a counselor, or even an eating disorder specialist, you should probably go. If you are 18 or over, they cannot force you into anything except in the most extreme circumstances of imminent danger to your life. Obviously, I can't push too hard, since once was all I could give to recovery.

It would certainly be a good thing, to recover. We should all be happy and healthy with a perfect relationship with food. I hope you all are ready for that, I'm not though. And until I am, I'm going to keep blogging. Hopefully I'll be blogging about my longest fast ever. We'll see.

Love you all. <3

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Fasting Side Effects

So, it's day ten. It's been a bit shaky with my house guest staying with me all week, but I made it. I feel good. I feel safe, I know I can keep going from here and that makes me happy.

I'm going to give out some fasting information, since I've had a few requests for that sort of stuff. But if you're looking for fasting info, I have a few good posts about it somewhere in my blog. Dig it up, gals.

If you want to fast, you should try to prepare yourself for it. It isn't exactly easy. But if it were easy, everyone would be a stick. I think that if we're prepared for what our body will go through, we're more likely to stick around when things get rough. Sooo... I am going to outline every single fasting side effect/symptom I've had to cope with. Bear with me, things could get ugly. Bodily functions aren't something I usually talk about, but it's necessary for this.

There will be a couple of things that are constants during a fast. One is the lightheadedness that will come about. Standing up will pretty much always make your head spin. It usually passes quickly. It helps if you can remember to stand up slowly. I almost always forget. I have never passed out while fasting even when past the 30 day mark. Just sit down if it doesn't go away. No big deal. I actually love this side effect. It is a friendly reminder of how well I'm doing.

Another constant is bad breath and a white or yellowish tongue. It's kinda like a film that coats your tongue. Gross, but you can brush it off. Just need to scrub very thoroughly. It will come back in a few hours, just scrub it again.

Obviously hunger will be an issue, but luckily after about three or four days, it will go away. At least the physical hunger will, the psychological hunger can be incredibly intense. I find that after the first week, this dies down as well, though I've had fasts where my cravings lasted longer, but never past ten days. If you can force yourself through the first few days, it gets much easier.

Having an empty stomach all the time can create a sort of bubble in your stomach. If you done any kind of restricting, you may have already felt this. But it can cause gas, in both directions, luckily it isn't the gross sort. Odor free and quiet. Just sort of expelling the air.

If you start your fast in the healthy way, slowly reducing your calories and taking out foods, then you'll have an easier time. But if you start your fast after bingeing for a while, then you might end up with diarrhea and some slight stomach aches. I've started fasts right after bingeing a few times and it really isn't too bad. Definitely worth the weight that will just fall off.

Nausea and headaches periodically affect me during a fast. They aren't intense, but still uncomfortable. The nausea goes away quickly and has never actually caused me to throw up. Just don't let your stomach get all the way empty. Water should be your constant companion.

Speaking of water, you're going to be dehydrated. We absorb something like 60 percent of our water from food. If you aren't eating, it is impossible to not get dehydrated, no matter how much water you drink. Don't try to guzzle water. You really only need to drink around eight cups of water a day. Drinking too much and you run the risk of causing water intoxication. I find that I am thirty all the time, mostly because my throat gets dried out. But a sip is all I need. Never go anywhere without your water bottle while fasting.

Dry throat. Ugh. This is the absolute worst symptom. My throat is a bit screwed up from purging, so if you don't have that nasty habit, then hopefully it won't be such a problem during your fast. But for me, this part of fasting really sucks. My throat dries out so much it can be quite painful. And if I forget to bring me water with, it freaking sucks. Nights are also pretty bad. Eight hours of sleep means eight hours of no water. Painful to wake up to, but still bearable.

Low energy will happen. Though high energy will too. If your energy is consistently low, like too low to function, switch to juice fasting. It will make a huge difference. I always water fast, but keep juice around in case I find I really need it. Much better than eating.

Once during a fast, I was on day eleven and starting having a serious stomach ache. Serious. It hurt so bad. I was in class and had to leave. I found an empty classroom and just sat on the floor for an hour trying to make it through. Then I had to use the restroom. I'm sure most of you know about colon cleansing, well, sometimes this will happen when on a fast. Obviously if you haven't had a single calorie in eleven days, it's not a normal restroom visit. Crazy looking stuff. Gross, but being so empty is a pretty cool feeling. Once it was out of me, the stomach ache went away and I was perfectly fine. I've done many fasts that were longer than eleven days and this has only happened once. Not something to worry too much about.

Another side effect of fasting are some vivid dreams. I often wake up disoriented on a fast because my dreams feel so real I can't figure out what has and hasn't happened to me. This will happen with food dreams especially. I love this side effect.

There also comes sense of clarity. Somehow it feels as though your mind just works better on a fast. I feel peaceful, introspective. All of the anxiety that goes along with eating goes away. There is nothing like it.

I think I've covered all the things that have happened to me. But this is not an exhaustive list. Everyone's body reacts differently and you might have completely different things happen to you. Pay attention to your body and learn how to control it. Anyone can do a fast. Good luck to anyone who will be trying one. Feel free to ask any questions you have. I'll try to post more info as I make my through this fast which will hopefully be my longest yet!

One thing I love about this community is its ability to accept anyone into it's arms. I've seen all types of people blogging happily in our midsts, from the worryingly underweight to the seriously overweight and everyone in between. We have so many eating disorders represented and they are all able to find love and support here. That is something we can all be proud to be apart. So, seeing rude comments made on my blog and directed at sweet girls just trying to support me, it actually really pisses me off.

If you have chosen a path a recovery for yourself, then that's great. I totally support you. And if you want to encourage others to join you, then more power to you. But. If you think the right way to do that is by insulting those people and using hurtful language, well, you're stupid. And a bitch. We're all trying to get through life the best way we feel we can. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

That said, anyone know if there is a way to block a specific person from commenting?

Thanks for being there girls. Love you. <3