Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Flirtations with Recovery

I went to a shrink. My university offers free counseling to students. My house guest last week (she's gone now, thank goodness) was suffering a sort of mental breakdown, hence the living with me for a bit. She's someone I've been fairly close to off and on, but no matter how little we see each other, when we do, we always seem to be able to share everything. We are both completely nuts in our own ways, we may not understand the other's mental issues, but we can listen without judgement and tell without fear of it. She's the only person who knows about my eating disorder.

The week she was with me was full of long discussions of our respective crazy. She encouraged me to see a counselor, something that had been floating around in my head for months. Then on Monday after she left, I guess the sudden influx of alone time was too difficult to resist, I had an awful binge/purge session. I think if I hadn't done that, I would not have gone to the counselor. Since I only feel crazy when I'm eating and throwing up.

But I did go. It was about an hour. I was surprisingly honest when divulging the most horrific parts of my eating disorder. I thought I might die when he asked me what food I binge on. I can't tell if it was a relief to tell him any of it or not. I feel more motivated not to purge, more motivated to fast. At the end of the session, after telling him my worst, he basically said they don't have the resources to deal with my eating disorder. And he told me I couldn't just stop purging, I'd have to stop fasting. He described the treatment which would involve doctors, a nutritionist, and an eating disorder specialist. Of course I imagine the dollar signs tied up around all that, but mostly I have this ridiculous, irrational, intense fear fill me up when I think about all that.

I didn't commit to anything, and told him I could come back for another session maybe. When I left I googled the eating disorder specialist he told me about. Reading about her detailed treatment plan really freaked me out. I'm fairly certain I won't go to another appointment. I know I'm not going to any eating disorder specialist. I guess, losing weight is much more important to me than anything else right now. Maybe when my old skinny clothes fit again I'll be more inclined to want to change. But right now, I'm still fat.

We'll see what happens. Whether I keep going to the counselor or not. For now I'm happy at least that it stopped me from going into a long binge/purge period and I'm back on track with fasting. If anyone is thinking about seeing a therapist, or a counselor, or even an eating disorder specialist, you should probably go. If you are 18 or over, they cannot force you into anything except in the most extreme circumstances of imminent danger to your life. Obviously, I can't push too hard, since once was all I could give to recovery.

It would certainly be a good thing, to recover. We should all be happy and healthy with a perfect relationship with food. I hope you all are ready for that, I'm not though. And until I am, I'm going to keep blogging. Hopefully I'll be blogging about my longest fast ever. We'll see.

Love you all. <3


  1. awh im so happy for you, if you do decide to recover and i am here for you if you need :)

  2. Nice to know about the therapist, I feel the same way, I want help, but I want to be skinnier more..

  3. I do currently see a counselor, but we don't talk about my ED. It's really nice to talk about other things though, I really enjoy getting stuff off my chest. Maybe you could go again, and talk about other things, not your ED but like boys haha.

  4. My old therapist and I would talk about my eating a lot, and I feel like she manipulated me into giving her a lot of information because I was always keeping the fact that I think I struggle with an ED inside my head. But one time she just blurted out something a long the lines of "Hm your current treatment plan is to process past trauma and to sort out your eating disorder" AND I STOPPED GOING LIKE A MONTH LATER IT SCARED ME BECAUSE AT THE TIME I WAS STILL FUCKING OVERWEIGHT