The reasons for my most recent and very extended absence are mostly unclear to me. I just didn't feel like writing. Maybe I thought I was so strong I didn't need to blog anymore. Maybe I thought that this is just me being melodramatic.
That first thing has become glaringly untrue in the weeks that I've been home. The second thing is probably true about everything I do.
Since I've been home for the summer I've been eating like a cow nonstop and throwing up every time. I hate purging. I feel so out of control and every time I try to grab control back, I just ruin it. I don't know how many fasts I've tried to start. So many days I've said no to food just to give in that night or the next morning. I just know that once I get into a fast I'll be fine, safe in my continued starvation. That is what I need. It just doesn't feel like I can get there anymore.
I hope that getting back in this community will inspire me and give me the strength to make it through every day without food.
Thanks for the comments on that last post. It feels so good to be welcomed back. I am so looking forward to reading your blogs again! <3