Gross

OMG OMG OMG. I've been eating so much the last hour. GOD. DAMN. IT.

I can't believe this. Everything was perfect. I started eating on Thursday. A couple of bites of applesauce in the morning. Four carrots over the course of the day. More applesauce for dinner. Same sort of thing on Friday. Saturday I did have a half a plain turkey sandwhich for lunch, but I think that was good since I had my big dinner with the boyfriend that night. And it was fabulous. I ate a little more than I planned, but I let it go, still lost a pound and a half that week. Pretty good for taking my body out of starvation mode.

Today started out great. Had an english muffin thingy with egg for breakfast, but I ate it super slowly, so it was kind of lunch and breakfast. Then had a tiny portion of rice and veggie stuff my roommate made. I'm not sure how many calories it was, but she's on a diet so I know nothing too bad was in it.

BUT THEN I HAD TO GO AND MESS EVERYTHING UP. I just feel so dumb and horrible and gross. I had like a bowl of split pea soup and a few more bites of that rice shit. Half of a ham and turkey wrap with cheese and mustard. About a fourth of a cup of disgusting sugary cereal. And a yuck greasy meatball. Just typing all of that out is so embarrassing. I think I'm going to cry imagining all of that food sitting in my stomach. I want to go puke so badly, but I can't let myself get back into doing that.

I finally was able to stop myself. I threw the other meatball down the garbage disposal and said out loud "I will not be ruled by food!" over and over.

This wasn't the worst binge I've ever had. And if it had been spread out over the course of the day, I would have been disappointed, but okay with it. But now I just feel like I failed after an entire month of eating nothing. It feels so bad.

Tomorrow I am launching myself into another fast. I'll do juice tomorrow but the rest of the week is going to be strictly water fasting. I don't give a shit if I make myself sick on food for Valentine's day or if I just have to tell my boyfriend I have the flu. Nothing matters but thin and I will not lose control of myself again. I still have eight pounds to lose by the 26th. And I probably will gain from today. Just saw my roommate coming back. Gotta quick writing.

I love you girls. I need you so much. <3