Relief

The end of this day is getting closer. I still have hours before I can reasonably go to bed, but I feel confidant that I can make it through the night. The extra support I got from my last post has really made all the difference in the world. I think tomorrow will be easier, once I prove to myself that I can make it through one day. It feels good just to be starting to gain back control; the world feels right.

I am fighting my urges for food by remaining in the computer lab on campus protected by a sign on the door reading, "No food or drink allowed." And I don't plan on leaving until I can walk straight home and go to bed. Still a couple of hours to go, but an Anne Rice novel and Bones episodes are helping me get through. Hopefully after a few days I won't have to do this, but for now I can't risk going anywhere I might eat. I left all forms of currency at home, so as long as I'm here, food isn't even possible.

I only feel safe when I cut off any means of nourishment.

I am really looking forward to a long fasts. It's been forever since I did anything more than ten days. I can almost taste the amazing feelings of control and power that come with depriving myself so thoroughly. I can't wait to feel the dizziness, weakness, lightness wrap around me.

I am going to do this.

Whatever goals we have, fasting, restricting, workouts, we can achieve them. And there couldn't be a better support system than this community. I probably would never have gotten so off track if I hadn't stopped blogging. Oh well. We can only move forward.

<3