I made it through the day. It's only the second consecutive day of not eating, but now making it two days is a huge accomplishment for me. I've tried to fast countless times since I stopped blogging. It seems like I pledged myself to a new dance with starvation every morning and broke the pledge at least by evening every day.
Now I'm dizzy again. Standing up makes me feel light headed, weak, small. I still feel like a whale and it will take at least a full month of fasting for me to even begin to feel comfortable in my body again, but at least this is a start. I just want to be happy, I want to be the thinner version of myself. The version that laughs, sings, leaves her apartment. Fat makes me reclusive, and I hate it.
I have to go home for mother's day and will have to eat some while I'm home, unfortunately. But once I come back I'm going to really do a long fast. I'm going to break my old record.
Well, I'm going to break two old records: number of days without food and lowest weight. I know that I can. And being back to this community, I feel like I'm breathing inspiration.
I just have to be thin. I can't live this way. I just can't.