I hardly slept last night. My eyes are so tired.
But I'm home again. In my quiet, lonely little apartment. I feel much better now that I can shut myself away, all by myself and ready to starve my depression away.
I woke up yesterday morning ready to face the day without eating. Very easy until right about noon when my Crazy started rearing its ugly head. I wish I had blogged about this yesterday because I was thinking about how I felt and it seemed so clear and concise-what was happening to me. But today it feels far away, and I don't understand how I could let it happen. Again.
I binged. I was sick, bloated, disgusted, panicked, desperate. I purged. I was sick, relieved, weak, hurt, disgusted. I cried. I felt stupid and all of the other terrible, awful things I new I would feel when I was convincing myself that it was okay to eat this time.
The very worst part is that I nearly made it. I resisted for hours and hours, and if I could have just resisted a bit longer I could have just gone to bed and woken up this morning to a happy day two.
While it was happening, I was thinking of who I could turn to for help. All of the people in my life that I actually allow myself to confide in are not an option since begging them to help me resist eating wouldn't go so well.
My goal is to fast through as much of my summer as possible. But I'm not in the incredibly fasting mode I was in during my previous marathon fasts, so I need some extra help. I would really like it if there is someone out there still reading this here blog and hopefully wants and is able to fast that would like to become my summer buddy. I just need someone that I can turn to when all I want to do is eat, someone who can talk me down because lately talking myself down just won't cut it. And of course, I would be on call to do the same for you.
So if you are interested, email me: firstname.lastname@example.org! And introduce yourself, I read a lot of blogs but this community is sooo big that I might not know you. Obviously please don't leave any personal contact info in a comment besides like your anonymous email.
I have to run to class, love you all so much.