Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Promise I'm Not Hungry

So I fasted. 28 days. I don't know how much weight I lost, I'm still avoiding the scale like the plague and since I don't know my start weight, seems pointless to weigh now. I'll be able to spot Thin if it ever shows up on my body anyway. But I do know that I can almost slide my jeans off without undoing them. My hips are the last place I lose weight, so when it becomes noticeable there, I know it's a significant number.

I'm scared to try on my smaller jeans, even though they have to fit. I'm really not all that excited about the weight I've lost this time around. I already lost this weight before; I can't get over being angry at myself for having to lose it again.

So I started out breaking my fast fairly well. A good first two days of slowly eating little bits of food at a time. But last night I ate a little more than I planned and I started feeling all the old anxiety that comes with eating. Everything in my fridge is health food, and binging after a month of only water is a very different sort of binge. But it didn't matter. I felt stuffed and fat. I was freaking out about every bite and every pound I know I still have to lose. I ate more in a frenzy.

It was a very good purge. I actually felt totally empty when I finished and could calm down. I hate not fasting. I wish I could I just fast forever and never have to feel all of this crazy. Food really messes with my head. You all talk about how strong I am, but the truth is that I fast because I'm too weak to handle eating.

So, today I'm fasting again. I need to get calm again. I might try out eating again tomorrow and see how it goes, but maybe I'll try to fast then too. I really should eat because I have friends coming to visit this weekend. I won't be able to avoid eating and I don't want to be sick from it.

I was happy about seeing these people I love and haven't seen in forever, but now I find myself just looking forward to being left alone again so I can fast. This really is a horrible existence. I wonder if it will ever even be worth it.

Anyway, I'll probably update tomorrow. I might not be able to make it through tonight without eating. I usually fast with a kitchen full of nothing, facing all the food there won't be easy. We'll see. But after tomorrow I'll have another bit of a break. But I'm planning to fast again as soon as I can. I still want to get into 40 days, beat my record.

Much skinny love to everyone. Your encouragement is amazing, thank you. <3

13 comments:

  1. You say you aren't strong enough for eating, but being strong enough to starve is so much harder. If you can do that, you can do anything. You'll be skinny in no time, honey. You will get there :). Hope the fasting goes well! 40 days would be incredible. Stay strong x

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  2. congrats on the fast! that's so thinspirational!

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  3. 28 days is amazing! Good job!!!

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  4. 28 days?! That's incredible!
    Agree with Sarah, very inspiring!!

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  5. "I fast because I'm too weak to handle eating." You have put this so eloquently. I understand and can relate.

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  6. you are so strong, i admire you very much so xx

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  7. OMG!! AMAZINGGG!!! yyour soo inspiring!!
    help me get followers?
    itsybitsyskinnydreams-blogspot.com

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  8. You are such an inspiration. <3333 You are so strong. I am fasting as well, but I have never reached 28 days. Kudos ^^

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  9. Wow! You are strong!
    I wish I could do it.
    Hope you're okay, x.

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  10. I am so inspired by you! Thats amazing! Stay strong, hun x

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