The New Plan

The New Plan (which is naturally purple) is going to be pure. I almost two weeks of near fasting, but the little cheats I did cost me. I have to restrict all the way. Or I end up binging. Like yesterday. But we're not going to talk about that. Not even think about it.

I will continue to secretly fast this week and next at least, so for around 12 days
I will then announce to my family that I am doing a fast and continue to starve until the 14th of August
Raw fruit and veggie diet until I go back to school, about two weeks

There it is. In all it's glory. It will be my most ambitious fast yet. Today until August 14th makes a total of 47 days. This random number is just because this is the longest I think I can pull it off without upsetting my family.

There will be no cheating allowed. No chewing and spitting, no binging and purging, no just having one taste, no nothing. Only water.

The New Plan also requires that I change my blog look. I'm way bored with this one and even though I have no idea how to do anything because I am basically like your grandmother when it comes to computer technology, I will make it FabUlous! Just you wait.

Let's play Name Eva's New Blog!! Best suggestion for a new blog name wins my eternal love and devotion. Plus some fun link to your blog or something like that.

I'm thinking that figuring out how to revamp this thing will take me about 47 days. Something to work on and distract me from food during my fast. By the time I'm done my blog and I will be transformed!

Do you think this layout makes my blog look fat?


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Haha, sorry it looks like a circus. Will work on it more later. <3

So Over

What an awful ugly disgusting fat binging failure I am.

Tomorrow I will introduce you to The New Plan. Tonight I must take the time to wallow in my self loathing.

Day Eleven Laziness

Weekends suck. My mother is home on weekends. And she also decided to take today off. Ugh! I always kind of try to spend as little time with my mom as possible, just because we start to not get along too well. But now that I'm fasting I have to do it so she doesn't realize I'm not eating. It isn't that easy to always be making myself scarce.

I'm getting pretty good at avoiding food. It's sort of like a fun game now. Our garbage disposal sure gets a lot of use. I don't like throwing away food, but now I'm pretty much over it. Anything to avoid seeing it on my hips. Plus, binging and purging is just like throwing it away. I've also found that if I make something and then put the "leftovers" in the fridge, my mother can't tell that I didn't actually eat any of it. It also gives me a chance to make healthy stuff for her.

I'm thinking about carrying a ziploc bag in my purse or my pocket wherever I go. That way I can "eat" something by sneaking it into the bag. If anyone else has any good suggestions for ways to pretend to eat, please let me know. I feel like I could fast all summer and be happy. I can only imagine what my boyfriend would think. I want him to really notice that I've lost weight while I've been gone.

Anywho, love ya girlies. Keep starving!

Day Eight Revival

Surprisingly I still lost a half a pound with yesterday's failure. I decided not to start the day count over. The white coating on my tongue didn't disappear and I still have to struggle to stand up and not pass out. I feel like my fasting and weight loss hasn't been totally compromised and I should move forward.

My method for avoiding dinner involves finding ways to avoid being home at night. Barnes and Noble is my favorite hiding place. I can go and find all the books on eating disorders in the supposed Recovery section and read through them sipping on my ice water. There are so many great books on this subject now, and I haven't even read Wasted yet.

Today I read Dying to be Thin. There is a lot of crap written by these two doctors that comes out very dry and feels like being talked down to. I skip all of that mumbo jumbo for the accounts written by the patients, which is a large part of the book. It's nice that there are a variety of different sorts of people all dealing with it in different ways. But it's amazing that I can relate to all of them and feel for all of them. I especially loved Karen's tale of anorexia and the way she writes. I do recommend this book.

The last time I sat in Barnes and Noble for four hours, I read Distorted. I read almost the entire thing, which I'm pretty sure might be frowned upon. Anywho, it was the account of a girl struggling mostly with bulimia from the perspective of both the girl and her mother. The two diverging points of view on the exact same events were interesting and definitely thought provoking. I don't ever want to put my family through the hardship of saving me from this. I'm so thankful that I'm usually far away and can keep my crazy from them. Book also recommended.

In case anyone needed some reading material. I find them to be a very good way of keeping myself motivated. I'll keep you updated on what I read during future Barnes and Noble getaways.

I feel like there are other things I wanted to say. I can think of none, so I'm off to bed. <3

Day Seven Bust

Unfortunately I don't have much time tonight. Selfish blogging only. I promise I will do some serious blog reading and commenting tomorrow morning.

I just have to do a quick post while my mom is busy. Today was a major hitch in the fasting plan. I was over at my grandmothers all afternoon with plans to leave before dinner, but she just made it impossible to make any excuses. Luckily, I have everyone thinking I'm on some healthy fruit/veggie diet.

Dinner was: guacamole, carrots, and black eyed peas (this is my attempt to hide the text to avoid triggering anyone, though no idea if I'm doing it right). I was able to stuff almost all of the carrots in my pocket and avoid eating them, no such luck with the rest of the stuff, but it wasn't that much. Of course I couldn't just leave it at that. I ended up binging on some pasta salad, pie crusts, and strawberries.

In total, it was really a very small amount of food even the binging part was not much of a binge at all, but it was much more than I should have ever had on a fast. I was able to purge it out, but normally when I purge there is a lot more in there. This time it was mostly water, so not sure how many of those disgusting calories actually came up.

The good thing is that I am not wigging out over it. I tend to just keep binging when I'm freaking out. Control means that I can start over starving again tomorrow. I hope so at least.

Good luck everyone. I hope y'all can be stronger than I was today. Ugh. But tomorrow is always a new chance. <3

Day Six

Rough morning with the mothering unit. Apparently I've gained two pounds since yesterday just drinking water. I shouldn't have weighed. Dumb.

I don't know why; I'm having trouble coming up with anything worth typing. Maybe I will try again later.

Oh, but how do y'all like the new picture? Looks somehow hopeful to me.

Day Four!!!

I am so relieved to be at this point, day four is usually a sort of line for me. Once I get here, I can go as long as I need to. I don't know how long I'm going to be able to go, since I'm home and there are constant family events which always revolve around some huge, disgusting meal.

Tonight I have two parties to go to, but it will be easy to avoid the food ("I'm going to be having dinner at the next party/ I ate so much at that first party, I'm just stuffed!"). Unfortunately Father's day is on Sunday and I'm supposed to go to this big family dinner at my grandparent's. I'm having trouble coming up with a way to get out of it. It is kind of a big deal to that side of the family. I need to find an excuse that would allow me to show up after they've eaten or something. Maybe I can play the upset stomach card.

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I had a pretty sizable chew and spit binge. It's certainly better than a real binge, though I'd much rather control myself better than that. Then I was feeding the horses (my grandparents have a farm and horses) and I got stepped on. My foot looks pretty gruesome and hurts like crazy. I got so light headed after it happened, I was afraid I might pass out right there still surrounded by horses. Dangerous place for that sort of thing. I made it out safely and drank some apple juice to get my head to stop spinning. I guess that counts as breaking my water fast, but I think I had a good excuse.

I'm only five pounds away from my lowest ever weight. I was bracing myself for much higher numbers on the scale since I've been eating everything in sight for so long. My hair has started falling out. I'm not yet underweight, so I think this is from fasting so much. Price to pay, I suppose. Luckily my hair is thick with quite a few strands to spare. I wonder how long until it becomes noticeable.

Thanks again for all the welcomes. It really feels good to be back and I can already tell how much I needed to be back. <3s to everyone! I'm off to make the commenting rounds.

Back Again, Day One Again

The reasons for my most recent and very extended absence are mostly unclear to me. I just didn't feel like writing. Maybe I thought I was so strong I didn't need to blog anymore. Maybe I thought that this is just me being melodramatic.

That first thing has become glaringly untrue in the weeks that I've been home. The second thing is probably true about everything I do.

Since I've been home for the summer I've been eating like a cow nonstop and throwing up every time. I hate purging. I feel so out of control and every time I try to grab control back, I just ruin it. I don't know how many fasts I've tried to start. So many days I've said no to food just to give in that night or the next morning. I just know that once I get into a fast I'll be fine, safe in my continued starvation. That is what I need. It just doesn't feel like I can get there anymore.

I hope that getting back in this community will inspire me and give me the strength to make it through every day without food.

Thanks for the comments on that last post. It feels so good to be welcomed back. I am so looking forward to reading your blogs again! <3

Maybe

Maybe I will blog again. Maybe I will starve again. Maybe I will allow myself to take the only thing I want. Maybe I will be in control again. Maybe I am strong. Maybe I will be beautiful.

Maybe maybe maybe.