Off Topic Freak Out

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

I haven't really mentioned this to y'all before because it seems to move far away from my chosen blog topic. But I'm a phone sex operator. I've been doing it since I turned 18 to pay for school and all. It's a pretty good gig: I can work whenever I want, make a ton of money in a very short time, and I'm really good at it. I may not be anywhere near happy with my body, but I have a pretty great voice.

Anyway, it's a pretty well guarded secret. I tell the people I'm close to, friends, boyfriend. But my family does not know. However my mother is a horrible awful snoop and she looked at my bank statements. When I was home over spring break I discovered this slip of paper where she'd written down some deposits made from my phone sex money. This just confirmed my suspicions that she knew. She's made some hints. It's been like this intense standoff. She knows about it, I know she knows about it, and we're both pretending we don't know anything. I've just been waiting, dreading the moment when she'll use the knowledge against me.

This week I'm house sitting for my Aunt and I figured while I had the house to myself I could make a little bit of money, since I haven't been able to get a job for the summer. Ugh. I'm so stupid! Stupid. My aunt's phone and my home phone have the same first six numbers. And I accidently put my home phone number in. So my first call went to my mom! Luckily it's initially a recording robot voice, not an actual customer. But still. God. Maybe this is just the amunition my mom's been waiting for. Or maybe she slept through it, or thought it was a telemarker. Maybe she's rehearsing her storm of anger so that it will be sure kill me when she unleashes it. Or maybe I should go find a hole to crawl in and die.

I'm freaking out so bad. I feel sick to my stomach. I tried to call my boyfriend to freak out to him, but he's asleep and won't answer. I wish I had someone else to call.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to face this.

Rebirth! Kinda, a little bit.

Today I feel good. Moreover, I feel inspired. I feel happy. I feel like I'm in control again. Like really. In control. I haven't felt like this all summer, even during the short fasts I've done. In order for me to do a successful fast, there has to be something that just clicks inside me and makes it easy. I've been waiting for it to happen all summer, but I think it's been stifled by being home, surrounded by food and family, and all the stress and disappointment I feel about my summer not going at all the way I planned.

I will starve myself thin.

I will lose enough weight for my boyfriend to notice.

I will I will I will I will Iwill I will I will

I have more family coming into town this week and again next week. Ridiculous. I plan to use the raw fruit/veggie diet excuse to get out of eating family dinners which are the worst. I'd like to make it through the rest of July secretly fasting and then I can openly fast through August. Or something. I can't plan things exactly when I'm so surrounded by people who want to fatten me up. Damn.

I've neglected the blog world since I've been sulking underneath this black cloud, but I'll do some catching up today. Swear.

P.S. I promise to do put together some information on fasting in my next post, specifically extended fasting (like more than ten days) for those of you who have asked for it.

List One

Sorry for being away so long. I had family in town and got all sorts of busy. And honestly I haven't been in a blogging/writing/sharing mood lately. I'm still not. But I'm unwilling to abandon my blogging ways. Instead of a boring post about my boring life, have a list.

Why I hate Food

1. Food makes me Fat.
2. Eating Food makes my stomach feel full and sick and disgusting.
3. Eating Food immediately makes my face puffed up and Fat.
4. Eating Food makes me lose Control.
5. Food makes me Fat.
6. I hate using the restroom if the setting isn't completely private. Not eating Food means I never have to.
7. I adore the weak, faint feeling that starvation gives me. Eating Food takes this away.
8. Food makes me Fat.
9. There is no Food that can taste good enough to be worth eating, worth taking me farther from my goals.
10. The smell of Food often makes me nauseous.
11. I hate thinking about what I look to other people when I'm eating. Putting Food in your mouth just can't be pretty.
12. I hate how other people look when they're eating Food. Gross.
13. Food makes me fat.
14. Eating Food always makes me feel self-loathing, guilty, and weighed down with the regret.
15. Most of all, Food makes me fat.

46

I only have time for a very quick post tonight. Since I've been struggling so much I feel that I must must update every day and not allow myself any slack.

I have survived Independence Day without any food or family suspicion. I spent the whole day with my mother and she thought I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I am a pro. It's very exciting to hide my starvation so well.

Unfortunately I have all this family coming into town this Tuesday and I'm not sure how easy it will be to avoid food. I'll just have to keep making up excuses to leave before dinner. I hate to not get to spend as much time with them, but I have to focus on the important things.

Thin. This is what matters.

I will have to catch up on comments tomorrow when I'm not rushed. Stay strong girls. <3

47 to go....

I don't want to write about this. I really really don't. It would have been so easy to keep going and pretend it didn't happen. But it did happen. I know because my throat is still burning. Three purges in one freaking day. What the hell is that? It's not me.

I can starve myself. I can go weeks and weeks without eating. I can embrace the permanent headache, the upset stomach, the dizziness, the weakness. I can get a thrill from the fainting spells. I can love starvation.

So why do I keep ruining it?

I told myself 47 days, so 47 days I will do. Consecutively. My raw throat makes me sound like I'm sick, so I can use that as an excuse to have no appetite and make it through this 4th of July weekend. I will not eat any disgusting hot dogs. I solemnly swear.

I was planning to resurrect some old posts I'd made about fasting to share with those of you who are also fasting or would just like some info, but now I feel totally unqualified to offer any advice on it. Maybe after I've made it through a solid week on just water I'll get my confidence back.

2 Down 45 to Go

Going to be counting down instead of up this time. Seems more satisfying somehow.

My new jeans, my previously very tight jeans, are starting to loosen. I love the way it feels for the fabric to be hanging off my legs.

Thanks for all of the encouraging comments! Jamie, I would love for you to fast with me. Email me if you'd like: estoescontrol@gmail.com. I've done a ton of research on fasting and have made it through a few long ones, so I'd love to offer anyone advice or support or whatever you need. Cat, good luck with your plan too! I will have to go check out what you're doing. Effing gorgeous is right!

Short post today. Stay strong gals! <3