Another Addition to my Emptiness

I am going home. An emergency trip for a family emergency. I won't allow myself to use this as an excuse to eat. I will channel my grief into my fast. I can't ruin three days of struggle no matter what happens.

I'll be gone a few days. Stay strong.

Relief

The end of this day is getting closer. I still have hours before I can reasonably go to bed, but I feel confidant that I can make it through the night. The extra support I got from my last post has really made all the difference in the world. I think tomorrow will be easier, once I prove to myself that I can make it through one day. It feels good just to be starting to gain back control; the world feels right.

I am fighting my urges for food by remaining in the computer lab on campus protected by a sign on the door reading, "No food or drink allowed." And I don't plan on leaving until I can walk straight home and go to bed. Still a couple of hours to go, but an Anne Rice novel and Bones episodes are helping me get through. Hopefully after a few days I won't have to do this, but for now I can't risk going anywhere I might eat. I left all forms of currency at home, so as long as I'm here, food isn't even possible.

I only feel safe when I cut off any means of nourishment.

I am really looking forward to a long fasts. It's been forever since I did anything more than ten days. I can almost taste the amazing feelings of control and power that come with depriving myself so thoroughly. I can't wait to feel the dizziness, weakness, lightness wrap around me.

I am going to do this.

Whatever goals we have, fasting, restricting, workouts, we can achieve them. And there couldn't be a better support system than this community. I probably would never have gotten so off track if I hadn't stopped blogging. Oh well. We can only move forward.

<3

SOS!

I hardly slept last night. My eyes are so tired.

But I'm home again. In my quiet, lonely little apartment. I feel much better now that I can shut myself away, all by myself and ready to starve my depression away.

I woke up yesterday morning ready to face the day without eating. Very easy until right about noon when my Crazy started rearing its ugly head. I wish I had blogged about this yesterday because I was thinking about how I felt and it seemed so clear and concise-what was happening to me. But today it feels far away, and I don't understand how I could let it happen. Again.

I binged. I was sick, bloated, disgusted, panicked, desperate. I purged. I was sick, relieved, weak, hurt, disgusted. I cried. I felt stupid and all of the other terrible, awful things I new I would feel when I was convincing myself that it was okay to eat this time.

The very worst part is that I nearly made it. I resisted for hours and hours, and if I could have just resisted a bit longer I could have just gone to bed and woken up this morning to a happy day two.

While it was happening, I was thinking of who I could turn to for help. All of the people in my life that I actually allow myself to confide in are not an option since begging them to help me resist eating wouldn't go so well.

My goal is to fast through as much of my summer as possible. But I'm not in the incredibly fasting mode I was in during my previous marathon fasts, so I need some extra help. I would really like it if there is someone out there still reading this here blog and hopefully wants and is able to fast that would like to become my summer buddy. I just need someone that I can turn to when all I want to do is eat, someone who can talk me down because lately talking myself down just won't cut it. And of course, I would be on call to do the same for you.

So if you are interested, email me: estoescontrol@gmail.com! And introduce yourself, I read a lot of blogs but this community is sooo big that I might not know you. Obviously please don't leave any personal contact info in a comment besides like your anonymous email.

I have to run to class, love you all so much.

Another Fast to Break

The fourth day. No food. I feel empty, not from lack of food. I feel empty from lack of life, if that even makes sense. And I don't feel hungry for food or life.

I will have to eat this week. My mother is already suspicious of my eating habits since every time she's come to my apartment the fridge has been completely devoid of food. I can't be there with all my family and not eat.

I hate that I'll have to start over. I've made it four days just to give it all up and have to give up food all over again next week. At least now I have you all here to help me get back to starvation. I can do it.

I may not blog while I'm home. I will just try to enjoy my family and not hate myself for eating.

Honor your mothers tomorrow. They tend to do the best they can even though it can be so wrong.

Isn't Hungry Delicious?

I made it through the day. It's only the second consecutive day of not eating, but now making it two days is a huge accomplishment for me. I've tried to fast countless times since I stopped blogging. It seems like I pledged myself to a new dance with starvation every morning and broke the pledge at least by evening every day.

Now I'm dizzy again. Standing up makes me feel light headed, weak, small. I still feel like a whale and it will take at least a full month of fasting for me to even begin to feel comfortable in my body again, but at least this is a start. I just want to be happy, I want to be the thinner version of myself. The version that laughs, sings, leaves her apartment. Fat makes me reclusive, and I hate it.

I have to go home for mother's day and will have to eat some while I'm home, unfortunately. But once I come back I'm going to really do a long fast. I'm going to break my old record.

Well, I'm going to break two old records: number of days without food and lowest weight. I know that I can. And being back to this community, I feel like I'm breathing inspiration.

I just have to be thin. I can't live this way. I just can't.

But She Wouldn't Go Away.

I stopped writing and now I'm coming back as almost the exact same person I was when I started. Proof that I need this.

It's amazing to see all the new followers I have and to know people were reading my words, thinking of the things I accomplished, and maybe being inspired by them even when I was so far away from that beautiful I achieved. I came back to this blog on a whim and seeing new comments and new readers inspired me. I feel like I've been pulled out of the muck.

I can hardly stand the person I've become now, what all the weight and fat does to me. It goes far beyond what I look like. Ugly on the outside makes me ugly on the inside, too. I can't just keep hiding in my apartment, eating, gaining, dying. If I don't get control now, maybe I won't ever be able to.

Sorry about the melodrama, but you can't blame me for it. I have an eating disorder, you know.

All I've had today was black coffee, splenda, and crystal light. The perfect day to start a fast. I'm taking summer classes, which will give me three uninterrupted months. I will fast through most of it. I just have to see my hair start falling out again or I don't know what I will do.

I'm happy to see so many of you still here and writing. Some constants are nice, and I'm sorry I haven't been one. I can't wait to get caught up on your lives and your progress and also to read the new blogs in Ana Town.

I think my blog is due for a makeover. I'm thinking yellow. <3