Mayday

I am close to breaking my fast. It is technically day six (since it's 3am) and I really can't blow it now. I'm coping with an unexpected apartment guest. Luckily, I'm happy for the company and it's one of the only people I don't have to hide my fast from. Unluckily, she does have to eat and being around food just really isn't easy. Not easy at all.

I have to admit my failures to you, even though I'd rather tell you I had a perfect food free day. I ate a teeny tiny bit (I just typo typed hate instead of ate there) of food this evening. It was hardly anything and definitely not enough for me to not count today as a fast day. What I ate (hah, just did it again) isn't so troubling, but I am troubled by what I'm thinking about eating now. Just a couple bites and I'm already planning some ridiculous binge that will make me completely hate myself, feel totally sick and disgusting, and will keep me from losing weight.

The schemes that have been going through my head all evening. Insane. How I will go about getting gross amounts of gross food, what gross food I want to stuff myself with. I am so stupid? Over and over again. Being stupid and binging like crazy is one thing, but why do I have to go on and keep being stupid?

Typing this out, I already feel better. Who knows how I'll feel in the morning though. I have a few different topics I want to write about. Blog posts that have been floating around in my head for a while. I will try to blog first thing in the morning before I run into the stupid crazy binger in me.

I can do this. I have fasted for much longer with much more intense temptation in front of me. My jeans, which I almost couldn't button a week ago, fit much better now. If I stick to the fast they will be sagging in no time.

I'm streaming Pat Benetar lyrics in my head right now. I find her to be so empowering and I can't help but love her. We are strong. No one can tell us we're wrong. Better believe it.

Your support lights up my life. Love you all. <3

Still Going

I have been so successful with my fast, and I'm actually really surprised. I guess my stars were more lined up than I thought. Just a couple more days and I'll pretty much be out of the tough parts.

I'm pretty tired, so actually going to go to bed at a normal hour. Just wanted to post so I don't lose track of the blog. I'm really trying to post more regularly because it really does help me stay in control.

<3 Be Beautiful. I'll do a real post soon!

A Walkthrough

I've been fasting off and on since my last post. Feeling as insane about food as always. I just can't seem to get going into a good long fast and the time just keeps on going. Soooooo... It's 6:32, only a few more hours before I have made it through another day, and this time with zero calories energizing me.

The first few days of a fast are very very difficult, but things get easier. Sometimes the stars and something inside align, and the desire to not eat overrides anything else. However, most of the time the stars and crap are just in their usual positions, and all I can think about is eating. I can't wait around getting fat for fasting mode to slug me in the face. I have to struggle through a week of total crazy to get to the other side of this where I will be light headed and wearing baggy jeans.

I will be walking you through how I make it through this grueling time. We have all read the hundred item lists of "Tips and Tricks" on all kinds of blogs and pro-Ana websites. We all know how to lose wait. We know that keeping a journal or blog, or even making your own website can really help you to blah blah blah. We know. The step we sometimes forget is actually doing all these things. So, I'm going to tell you what I do, though I hope it won't turn into another one of those lists. I'm not trying to preach to the choir, but, you know, preaching is kinda on the list.

So anyway. One of my favorite first day techniques that almost never fails is completely ruining my sleeping schedule. I never eat before noon. Mornings are easy. My cravings start really dominating me about mid afternoon and can really tear me apart in the evenings. Usually by 10pm, I feel like I've made it through the day. Even if I'm not going to bed, my brain relaxes at this point and I won't eat anything.

Sooooooo, the night before a fast I stay up. After ten I'm safe, so I just stay up until 8am or so and then I sleep the day away. The next day, day one, ends up being a very short day. And I think the schedule confuses my hunger cycle too because I rarely get hungry when I do this. Kind of a drastic approach, but it's worth it.

Just a little over three hours and I've made it tonight. Writing this post will probably give me the motivation to make it. The 30 Rock episodes on Netflix are taking care of the rest. Hopefully Day 2 will be more exciting. Obviously, I'm really tired and sluggish today. I have an Elle magazine I'm planning to cut up. I've always wanted to try the thing where you put up thinspo all over your house. I live alone now, nothing stopping me except me. I know the tips and tricks. I just have to do them.

Lately, I've been hoarding methods for keeping myself from eating. I talk myself into eating and out of watching that Biggest Loser episode. I save it for tomorrow when I'll need it. So ridiculous! I need that stuff every day. I just feel so out of control and instead of getting it back, it's like I'm avoiding it on purpose. Just not doing that crap anymore.

I could be wearing such pretty clothes right now if I hadn't done this to myself.

Wow! Haven't changed my blog's look in a while. The new options are very cool.

Love you, ladies. If you want to fast or do whatever plan and want some support, stay up all night, or whatever, I'm around, and I need you too.

Please Don't Eat Tonight

I'm on day three of a fast, almost done with day three actually. Hours away from sleep and a whole new day. But I am trying so hard to talk myself into eating. It doesn't make any sense. I'm young and I could be beautiful. Why would I do anything to get in the way of that. I'm only losing time. I feel so helpless lately. Just giving in to food and wanting. And one day turns into another month that I've lost. Another month that I could have fasted. All these months wasted. I could be thin by now. I could be beautiful by now. I could happy by now.

I will not eat tonight.

Desperate Measures

I fail dismally at not eating. I have to get into a fast again. I have all this time, that I know won't be interrupted by friends or family or forced food. I can't waste it eating.

I wonder how I could get prescription weight loss drugs. They supposedly really zap your appetite. I'd pretty much do anything at this point. I can't stand to look like this. I don't understand how I can want something this badly and keep fucking it up.

***

Well. I just spend way too much money on shoes I just couldn't possibly resist. I made a deal with myself: it's food or the shoes.

This better work. But I've almost made it through this night. I can fast until Thanksgiving if I just get started.

<3 Hop on board, skinny minnies!

Oh Fasting, I Hardly Even Recognize You

The good news is: I'm back. Again. I know this routine of returns is getting old; I'm just not ready to go steady.

The bad new is: I can't promise I won't be eating plenty of Chinese food tonight.

I Promise I'm Not Hungry

So I fasted. 28 days. I don't know how much weight I lost, I'm still avoiding the scale like the plague and since I don't know my start weight, seems pointless to weigh now. I'll be able to spot Thin if it ever shows up on my body anyway. But I do know that I can almost slide my jeans off without undoing them. My hips are the last place I lose weight, so when it becomes noticeable there, I know it's a significant number.

I'm scared to try on my smaller jeans, even though they have to fit. I'm really not all that excited about the weight I've lost this time around. I already lost this weight before; I can't get over being angry at myself for having to lose it again.

So I started out breaking my fast fairly well. A good first two days of slowly eating little bits of food at a time. But last night I ate a little more than I planned and I started feeling all the old anxiety that comes with eating. Everything in my fridge is health food, and binging after a month of only water is a very different sort of binge. But it didn't matter. I felt stuffed and fat. I was freaking out about every bite and every pound I know I still have to lose. I ate more in a frenzy.

It was a very good purge. I actually felt totally empty when I finished and could calm down. I hate not fasting. I wish I could I just fast forever and never have to feel all of this crazy. Food really messes with my head. You all talk about how strong I am, but the truth is that I fast because I'm too weak to handle eating.

So, today I'm fasting again. I need to get calm again. I might try out eating again tomorrow and see how it goes, but maybe I'll try to fast then too. I really should eat because I have friends coming to visit this weekend. I won't be able to avoid eating and I don't want to be sick from it.

I was happy about seeing these people I love and haven't seen in forever, but now I find myself just looking forward to being left alone again so I can fast. This really is a horrible existence. I wonder if it will ever even be worth it.

Anyway, I'll probably update tomorrow. I might not be able to make it through tonight without eating. I usually fast with a kitchen full of nothing, facing all the food there won't be easy. We'll see. But after tomorrow I'll have another bit of a break. But I'm planning to fast again as soon as I can. I still want to get into 40 days, beat my record.

Much skinny love to everyone. Your encouragement is amazing, thank you. <3