Hey Beautiful Girlies!

Sorry for yet another long absence. I've been horribly sick all week long. I've had plenty of time for blogging since I missed two (yikes!) whole days of class and skipped out on a day of work, but all I've had the energy to do is sleep, wallow, and be all sorts of pathetic. I'm such a baby when I'm sick. This is the sickest I've been in a long time, too. I had like every icky cold symptom out there to the max.

Anyways, I'm feeling tons better today. I would say I was cured except that my voice still sounds all ugly and scratchy. So much for making money.

The good thing that came out of this Uncommon Death Cold is that I think I lost a whole bunch of weight. Even though I lay around and did nothing, I hope my body was working hard and burning lots of calories. It certainly seems like it. I can now slide my jeans off without unbuttoning them. This is quite an accomplishment because even though my jeans have been absurdly baggy for a long time, my giant hips and big butt lose weight waaaaay slower than everything else. Which is totally lame since it's much harder to get excited about weight loss in your fingers.

I may have also finally lost the ridiculous bloatedness from the salt water flush I did last weekend. I finally got up the nerve and just did it. I'm glad I did; I don't want to be a chicken. However, I will never ever ever do that again. Salt water is totally gross. Ew ew ew. Plus I think I gained like ten pounds from it. Seriously. Srsly. All of my fingers were so swollen they looked like they'd all been stung by bees. Pretty horrible. It was definitely effective, but I'm with Savory on this one. I just can't stand to see the scale shoot up like that. Not cool.

Another good thing from the sickness. I tend to lose my appetite when I'm sick and so it helped me to start out my fast. Been fasting since early Monday afternoon (I know I can't really count that first day, but I'm proud of every single hour!). For me, fasting is pretty easy once I get going. But those first few days are horrible. I've totally screwed up a few fasts on day two. Day two sucks the most. But now that I'm on Day Five (and a half!) I'm over the hump and I'm ready to truck along.

I think that I've gotten myself pretty addicted to fasting. I feel so much more together now that I'm starving. That week I was eating was horrible. I was such a mess over every bite of food. This is bad because I know I won't have the freedom to fast at all while I'm at home. I need to get myself on a good restricted food plan. I need to be able to eat sensibly. I need to be able to eat and still shed pounds. It would be so fun to come back after the summer and be even lighter for my boyfriend. It's so different when people don't see you losing the weight gradually.

Soooo...

I'm only doing a ten day water fast, which is the normally reccomended length anyway. Then I'm doing a six day juice fast. Why six days? Who knows! Actually, I just didn't have enough time to do ten. After the juice I'm doing ten days of raw fruits/veggies. After the veggies I'll have like five days to incorporate small amounts of all those other foods into my diet. But I'm still going to be restricting something fierce. I suck at restricting. I always do great for a while, but then some stupid icky awful binge ruins it. I do feel like I have better tools now than I've had in the past. Those tools mostly consist of you awesome ladies!

I think this post is getting long. And probably a little crazy. I'm all energized and happy to not be feeling like crud. Say No to crud.

Mmkay. I gots lots of catching up to do today. I'm excited to see how everyone is doing. And if anyone would like to get on board with any of my plans (water, juice, raw fruits/veggies) as always feel free to hop on, email me, whatever.

<3

The New Plan

So far, I've had a really fun weekend. I mostly owe it to Pasco, Savory, and Kat. I read your comments Thursday night after I got back from class. I felt completely rescued by you gals and was able to sleep soundly that night. Then yesterday it snowed all day, but it was the most beautiful snow I've ever seen. It looked just like a movie and it made me feel a lot better.

My boyfriend and my friend have the same birthday. So we planned to hang out together Friday/Saturday. The snow was lovely, but pretty intense and we had decided to just hang out in the dorm (my roommate is out of town again this weekend, yay!). As we were driving through downtown at a snail's pace since I'm not very experience with driving through the snow, we passed right by the place we had been planning to go to. So we just decided to park and go, and it was so fun. We got to sit in the warm restaurant at the windows just watching the snow fall.

I didn't eat too much and I had a salad. Actually we went out for lunch today too and only ate like maybe half. It's still so weird to be eating again. But I've been trying to eat enough because I want my body to be able to survive having to eat with my boyfriend. I want to eat a lot in front of him so he'll be at least temporarily reassured about my eating habits.

My friend and I also went shopping at a cheapo-thrift-kind-of-store-thing that I'd never heard. I tried on some shirts that were so tiny compared to all of my clothes. It was amazing how good I looked! It's like I hadn't really lost any weight until I had clothes that actually fit me. It was so excited to see the difference. I got two shirts and a pair of jeans. The shirts were only 4 dollars! The jeans were twenty, but they were super nice jeans. I'm excited to finally get to see the fruits of my fasting.

Now, I just want to fast again. I only have a month before I go home and I know I won't be able to fast at all over the summer, so I'm going for it. Plus, I think if I'm not fasting I'll have a harder time resisting the pastries in my new baking class.Monday I'll have breakfast with my boyfriend, but that will be it. I'll fast the rest of the day and the official fast will start on Tuesday. I'll have to figure out exactly when I want to quite the fast. I may have to do like only a twenty day fast or something, so I have enough time to finish fasting before I leave. I don't know. I just know I need to fast again.

I finally feel whole again. I like having a plan. Even though, I have to eat a lot tomorrow, seeing myself in new clothes today has reassured me. I know any weight I gain will fall right back off as soon as I'm back on my perfect diet of only water. So pure and empty. I can't wait to be pure and empty again.

I'm off to blog read! I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on everyone's blogs. I've still been reading, but it's hard to comment when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Your amazing comments really saved me though. I want to attempt to return that.

So many <3s to everyone!

Flooding

I don't know how to write anything right now. Every day has been so hard and horrible. And class last night was really difficult. I wanted to cry then. I haven't cried in a really long time which is very significant for me. I held it off. And I didn't cry even when I went to bed.

Today I started my day with maybe two bites of applesauce and went to work. It felt so good to be empty. I came back and had a tiny portion of soup. I thought I would have a good eating day. But I ruined it. I had a half of a sandwich. All it had on it was a piece of ham and mustard between whole wheat bread. So it wouldn't have been that bad. God. If only I had stopped there. Then I had popcorn. I only ate half.

It doesn't matter though, I feel full and awful. I can't stop crying. I want to be in control again. I want to deprive myself of everything. I hate food.

All I want to do is fast again. But now my boyfriend's birthday is looming. And there's going to be so much I'll have to eat. After this weekend I'm going to start another fast. I don't care if he's worried about me. I don't care if my friends are worried. Being thin is all that matters. I don't even like my friends very much. And I can be more careful around my boyfriend.

I'm still freaking out. Still crying. There's a good chance I'll go purge now. I'm sorry. I feel like I've failed all of you. I promise I'm going to get my control back. <3

Last night turned into a very rough night.

I don't really want to write about it, but I promised myself that I would be honest in this blog. My boyfriend came over yesterday after his Easter dinner and brought me deviled eggs. It was very sweet of him because he knows how much I love these, but they are definitely not the type of food that should be eaten when breaking a fast. I was only going to eat one, and then I was only going to have two, and then they were all gone, and I felt like dying. My first day would have been perfect if it hadn't been for those stupid eggs.

I was really freaking out. I imagined myself gaining back all the weight I had lost and then some in a sort of blowfish maneuver. I started excercising really intensly, but my stomach was starting to feel really weird. And all my dumb pants are too big for me now and I'm so short, they've mostly just gotten too long, so I tripped over my pant leg and fell down. I started crying, not really because I was hurt, more because I felt so sick of myself, so defeated. I went into the bathroom and purged. I haven't done that in a really long time, and I hate it. It did make me feel better though. I finished working out and went to bed.

I know I seriously overreacted. I was acting like the world was falling in and I didn't even eat that much, really. Today I have no appetite at all. I can hardly even bring myself to drink water. I will eat tomorrow, start over and try again I guess. But really truly I never want to eat again. I want to fast until my body has eaten every single pound of fat. I hate feeling like I don't have control. I have to eat so my boyfriend won't know I'm starving myself and my friends won't worry. I hate my boyfriend. I hate my friends. I just want to lose more weight.

I'm definitely being crazy right now. I'll get over this soon I hope.

I'm really looking forward to reading blogs today. You all will be my escape. As always, thanks for your comments and support. I don't know where I would be without all of you. Seriously. <3

Food

Today I ate.

Food is so good. After so long without it, all the flavors taste so intense. It was great, but it's hard to allow myself anything to eat without feeling guilty and weird. And I have such a bad problem with guilty feelings. It's hard to explain what happens to me, but it's like any time I do something wrong when it comes to eating, I just do it even more.

I ate like two or three bites of applesauce first. A few hours later I had just like four bites of black beans. My refrigerator is bare, so my options were limited. I had some crackers that we made in class and I ate too many of those. By too many, I mean like too many for a crazy person. For a normal person, everything I ate today wouldn't even equal a meal, but for me I felt like a glutton. Lucky my stomach hasn't felt upset at all really, just a bit strange.

Anyway, I'm not in much of a blogging mood today. I hope everyone is doing great. <3

Thirty Three

My roommate is gone for the weekend! I can't even say how thrilled I am. I'm a horrible person, but I am so so sick of her. Plus I get the time to work, already made sixty bucks today. And I don't have to worry about hiding my fast, when she gets back on Monday, I'll be back to eating.

I got Thin in the mail and watched it today. It was a very very powerful movie. I loved it. I know it isn't supposed to be, but it's inspiring even through the tragedy of it. I cried numerous times while watching and I feel even more inspired to do the eating thing right. Definitely recommend it to everyone.

Yesterday I had my first little bit of orange juice. It was more like slight orange flavored water, but it was a start. Today I've been drinking half water half juice. It is so delicious! It tastes very intense to my deprived tastes buds. It's a bit hard though to know that I'm giving up the fast soon though. I've only been able to drink about a fourth of my glass of juice so far. I'd much rather just keep starving.

Savory! I'm totally moving in with you! I can't imagine a better living situation. We wouldn't have to worry about roommates telling us to eat or gross food hanging around. We could just keep like celery in the fridge and we'd be so skinny together. I'm going to pack my stuff up right away! In fact, all of us should move in together and become an amazing Ana commune. It'd be so awesome.

Dancing in the shadows, you are so right about the sugar free applesauce and it's especially good after a fast because flavors can be a lot stronger, even cinnamon. But I've heard stuff about cinnamon being good for a metabolism boost, not sure if that's actually true or scientifically backed. Can't hurt though!

I really really want to weigh myself, but I'm not going to my boyfriend's house this weekend. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I absolutely need to see the numbers. Maybe it will be better though. When I weigh next week I won't have to see if I've put on weight. Failures often lead to more failures with me.

Okay okay. That's enough for today. I'm off to go blog reading now! <3!

Thirty-One

Yesterday I was lazy and lame and skipped class. But that means I only have to make it through today. Next week I'll be eating again and should feel great, I hope. I felt pretty sick at work today, but it didn't last too long. I can make it!

Tomorrow I'll go and get some orange juice from the grocery store. I plan on starting slowly with diluted juice tomorrow night and increasing it as I go along. Sunday night I'll have some applesauce. That seemed like it worked well when I broke my last fast. Next week is going to be more important really than all my fasting. It's easy to ruin it with a binge.

My friends and my boyfriend are really starting to worry about me and how I never eat. I want to fast again. I want to fast so badly. I keep thinking if I could just do one more fast... But I don't think I can do one right away. I need to let them see me eat for a while and stop worrying. But I'll be going home in just a little over a month and there's no way I could fast when I'm surrounded by family.

I'm going to have lose weight through restriction. You all have been so kind with your praise and it really makes me feel so great, but truthfully fasting is easy for me. I can go without food easily. I struggle more with trying to eat without binging. I'm terrified of undoing all of this starving. Last time I fasted I gained weight back. I can't do that this time. I don't know why, it just seems so much easier to starve than it is to eat.

I put the documentary Thin on my Netflix and I should get it tomorrow. I also plan on going to the library and checking out some books on anorexia. I've been looking into some that seem interesting. I've also watched a couple of Lifetime movies about anorexia on Youtube. Maybe if I surround myself with tons of thinspiration I won't ruin it.

Pascal, Thanks for stopping by and for the very encouraging comment! As far as my weight loss goes, I can't be totally certain. I don't own my own scale so I weigh on the weekends at my boyfriend's, but I wasn't able to weigh at the start of my fast so I can only guess as to what my start weight was. I had gained quite a bit because I was on spring break at home with family. I'm guessing that by the end of my fast I will have lost between 30 or 40 pounds. This seems like a ton, but some of it was weight that I had just gained and it seemed to slide off sooo quickly when I first started the water fast. I think I would have lost less if I had started out at a set point or something. I hope that makes sense. Plus I still have to get through breaking my fast, so I have plenty of room to gain that back.

Holly, thanks for your comments. I can count on you for a good ego boost. Good luck with your fasts. I believe you can do it! And I am so thrilled if I can give you any sort of inspiration.

Lulu, thanks for passing on that website. Very good information! The isolation is hard, but this is the last week and then I can go back to being my usual social self. I am looking forward to not having to lie and hid anymore.

Savory, your comments crack me up. I love that. I'm paranoid about the transition back too, but hopefully this time I can do it right. Thanks for the info about BMR, but that is way way too many calories. Ick.

This post seems so long and rambly. Good luck reading! I'm off to read y'alls now. <3

Thirty

It's been so long since I've posted anything. I feel awful about it. Last week I was so busy and didn't ever have the privacy to write. Nothing too eventful happened anyway. I'm just still trucking along, starving along. Today is day thirty; it feels like it's been much longer. I really really can't wait to eat.

My roommate is going to her grandparent's this weekend. I'm looking forward to having the place to myself and told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to make it to his family's Easter. So I get to stick to my original plan. I'm breaking my water fast on Friday and juice fasting until Monday. Then I'll have all week to slowly get back to eating. I sort of hate to miss Easter, but it's not worth giving up on my fast. I set goals and I want to stick to them.

At this point, I'm just hoping I can even make it through my last days of class this week. Monday was horrible. I was so week and sick. At one point, I really thought I was going to faint. I had to sit with my head between my knees to make the dizziness go away. Yesterday I slept almost all day, it was ridiculous. I do think I have a good excuse to be exhausted after a month of just drinking water. I feel a lot more energized today. It only needs to last through tomorrow. I can sleep all weekend if I have to.

I don't have any more to say. I will catch up on everyone's blogs today. I can't wait to see how you are all doing. I'm sorry I've been away so long. <3