I don't know how to write anything right now. Every day has been so hard and horrible. And class last night was really difficult. I wanted to cry then. I haven't cried in a really long time which is very significant for me. I held it off. And I didn't cry even when I went to bed.
Today I started my day with maybe two bites of applesauce and went to work. It felt so good to be empty. I came back and had a tiny portion of soup. I thought I would have a good eating day. But I ruined it. I had a half of a sandwich. All it had on it was a piece of ham and mustard between whole wheat bread. So it wouldn't have been that bad. God. If only I had stopped there. Then I had popcorn. I only ate half.
It doesn't matter though, I feel full and awful. I can't stop crying. I want to be in control again. I want to deprive myself of everything. I hate food.
All I want to do is fast again. But now my boyfriend's birthday is looming. And there's going to be so much I'll have to eat. After this weekend I'm going to start another fast. I don't care if he's worried about me. I don't care if my friends are worried. Being thin is all that matters. I don't even like my friends very much. And I can be more careful around my boyfriend.
I'm still freaking out. Still crying. There's a good chance I'll go purge now. I'm sorry. I feel like I've failed all of you. I promise I'm going to get my control back. <3
Eva, darling, you didn't do that badly at all! Don't cry, it's hard I know. But you are truly amazing. Your fast was inspiring for everyone, and you must have dropped an absolute ton of weight. Give your body a rest. You don't need to fast again quite so soon. xxx
ReplyDeleteYou didn't fail anyone! You still ate less and had more control than you think. If I started eating and felt out of control, I would just start eating anything and everything that sounded good.
ReplyDeleteYou ate 2 bites of applesauce, half a sandwich, and half of the popcorn. You didn't FINISH any of it! I know that when you are feeling full and out of control that doesn't matter, but really that's something to be proud of.
Even if you are fasting or restricting or eating, you are still my hero. Remember that. I'm here if you need me!!
Sweetheart, it's ok! I know the hateful feeling of losing control, but take comfort in knowing that tomorrow is a new day to starve, a new day to regain control. Lullaby yourself to sleep with the thought that tomorrow will be okay. A new chance. And 'm in agreement with the others, you really didn't mess up that badly. But the out-of-control feeling sucks anyway. Feel better soon, we're here for you. =)
ReplyDeleteLuv,
~Kat