SOS!

I hardly slept last night. My eyes are so tired.

But I'm home again. In my quiet, lonely little apartment. I feel much better now that I can shut myself away, all by myself and ready to starve my depression away.

I woke up yesterday morning ready to face the day without eating. Very easy until right about noon when my Crazy started rearing its ugly head. I wish I had blogged about this yesterday because I was thinking about how I felt and it seemed so clear and concise-what was happening to me. But today it feels far away, and I don't understand how I could let it happen. Again.

I binged. I was sick, bloated, disgusted, panicked, desperate. I purged. I was sick, relieved, weak, hurt, disgusted. I cried. I felt stupid and all of the other terrible, awful things I new I would feel when I was convincing myself that it was okay to eat this time.

The very worst part is that I nearly made it. I resisted for hours and hours, and if I could have just resisted a bit longer I could have just gone to bed and woken up this morning to a happy day two.

While it was happening, I was thinking of who I could turn to for help. All of the people in my life that I actually allow myself to confide in are not an option since begging them to help me resist eating wouldn't go so well.

My goal is to fast through as much of my summer as possible. But I'm not in the incredibly fasting mode I was in during my previous marathon fasts, so I need some extra help. I would really like it if there is someone out there still reading this here blog and hopefully wants and is able to fast that would like to become my summer buddy. I just need someone that I can turn to when all I want to do is eat, someone who can talk me down because lately talking myself down just won't cut it. And of course, I would be on call to do the same for you.

So if you are interested, email me: estoescontrol@gmail.com! And introduce yourself, I read a lot of blogs but this community is sooo big that I might not know you. Obviously please don't leave any personal contact info in a comment besides like your anonymous email.

I have to run to class, love you all so much.

Another Fast to Break

The fourth day. No food. I feel empty, not from lack of food. I feel empty from lack of life, if that even makes sense. And I don't feel hungry for food or life.

I will have to eat this week. My mother is already suspicious of my eating habits since every time she's come to my apartment the fridge has been completely devoid of food. I can't be there with all my family and not eat.

I hate that I'll have to start over. I've made it four days just to give it all up and have to give up food all over again next week. At least now I have you all here to help me get back to starvation. I can do it.

I may not blog while I'm home. I will just try to enjoy my family and not hate myself for eating.

Honor your mothers tomorrow. They tend to do the best they can even though it can be so wrong.

Isn't Hungry Delicious?

I made it through the day. It's only the second consecutive day of not eating, but now making it two days is a huge accomplishment for me. I've tried to fast countless times since I stopped blogging. It seems like I pledged myself to a new dance with starvation every morning and broke the pledge at least by evening every day.

Now I'm dizzy again. Standing up makes me feel light headed, weak, small. I still feel like a whale and it will take at least a full month of fasting for me to even begin to feel comfortable in my body again, but at least this is a start. I just want to be happy, I want to be the thinner version of myself. The version that laughs, sings, leaves her apartment. Fat makes me reclusive, and I hate it.

I have to go home for mother's day and will have to eat some while I'm home, unfortunately. But once I come back I'm going to really do a long fast. I'm going to break my old record.

Well, I'm going to break two old records: number of days without food and lowest weight. I know that I can. And being back to this community, I feel like I'm breathing inspiration.

I just have to be thin. I can't live this way. I just can't.

But She Wouldn't Go Away.

I stopped writing and now I'm coming back as almost the exact same person I was when I started. Proof that I need this.

It's amazing to see all the new followers I have and to know people were reading my words, thinking of the things I accomplished, and maybe being inspired by them even when I was so far away from that beautiful I achieved. I came back to this blog on a whim and seeing new comments and new readers inspired me. I feel like I've been pulled out of the muck.

I can hardly stand the person I've become now, what all the weight and fat does to me. It goes far beyond what I look like. Ugly on the outside makes me ugly on the inside, too. I can't just keep hiding in my apartment, eating, gaining, dying. If I don't get control now, maybe I won't ever be able to.

Sorry about the melodrama, but you can't blame me for it. I have an eating disorder, you know.

All I've had today was black coffee, splenda, and crystal light. The perfect day to start a fast. I'm taking summer classes, which will give me three uninterrupted months. I will fast through most of it. I just have to see my hair start falling out again or I don't know what I will do.

I'm happy to see so many of you still here and writing. Some constants are nice, and I'm sorry I haven't been one. I can't wait to get caught up on your lives and your progress and also to read the new blogs in Ana Town.

I think my blog is due for a makeover. I'm thinking yellow. <3

Post Dental Post

I went and I'm glad that I did. My dentist was exceptionally nice about the whole thing. I just went ahead and told her I was bulimic from the get go. Well, first I asked about the confidentiality thing, and you gals were right. She's legally obligated not to tell. I told her that I had it under control now. I hope that's true, but it's most likely a lie.

Anyway, the good news is that my teeth are pretty much awesome. I don't even really have any enamel problems. I have a couple of tiny cavities, which does kind of suck since I've never had any before, but still most people get cavities just from normal eating. I had to hurl hundreds of times to get any. Gross. Oh well.

So, if any of you have been avoiding the dentist for the same reason I was, don't do it! You should definitely go and get your teeth taken care of. They can't lock you up or tell anyone or really do anything, just recommend a counselor or something and make sure your teeth stay as healthy as possible. No point in being thin and beautiful if your teeth are ew! This message brought to you by Eva, your friendly neighborhood bulimic, taking care of skinny bitches.

I'm so TiRed. Been stay up late every single night since I moved back home and I need some catch up sleep. I also need to do a post holiday fast. I'm going to try to fast until Christmas, even though my birthday is coming up this week. I'm just going to tell my mom I don't want any cake because of all the Thanksgiving splurges.

<3 <3 <3 Tomorrow will be a good for starving. I can feel it.

Whatever Will I Do?

I'm not even going to bother apologizing/explaining another long absence. I'm just going to hop right back into it and see how that goes.

I have this dilemma looming ahead of me. Looming very closely actually. Tomorrow morning I have a dentist appointment. I have been bulimic off and on for the past two years maybe. I've gone months without purging and months of purging every day, so I'm not really sure how bad it is. I have a feeling that it's pretty easy for a dentist to see though. I could call and cancel my appointment, but unfortunately my mother has one scheduled for the later that afternoon with the same dentist, so she's bound to find out if I cancel and then I'll have to explain that, which I'm very bad at.

I guess the big question is whether or not the dentist has the right to tell my mother. I'm not a minor, so it seems like it should be private, patient privileged or whatever. Has anyone had to go through this already? As long as the dentist can't rat me out to anyone, I don't care so much if he knows. I mean, it's still a bit shameful and awful, but I'd rather get my teeth taken care of because I'm sure they need it.

Right now I plan to go, but I'm going to try to find out more about what the dentist would be able to do about it. If anyone knows, I'd love to get the low-down.

I love you girls, truly. I absolutely will post tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. <3>

I'm Just Not Hungry, Pumpkin.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.

I will not eat today.