My New Year is my New Chance

I am an extremely emotional person. I've found that I don't do well at all holding my feelings in, but I'm going through things that I just can't share with the people around me. I'm hoping I can find a supportive community through this blog and friends to share my many vices without shame.

I'm not going to spend too much time introducing myself. I'm focusing on change, on the new me I'm trying to create, and dwelling on the past won't help.

I have gotten back on an extreme diet after eating too much for too many months. It started more out of a sudden depression than a desire to lose all of my fat. But I'm going to latch on to it and channel the fear and sadness that caused me to stop eating into the self Control I need.

I stopped eating about a week ago. Totally stopped. Unfortunately I stopped drinking and sleeping too. I know how unhealthy this is and now my goal is to take this over and do it the healthy way. My current food plan is to fast every other day and eat about 300 calories on off days. I'm going to make myself get plenty o f sleep and drink as much water as I can. I've never really labeled myself as anorexic or bulimic even though I often follow the lifestyles, but if detesting food and feeling full, hating the way I look, and loving what it feels like to go hungry is anorexic, then that's what I am. And I'm going to embrace it. I know this is a very extreme, but the best way for me to change is to restrict as completely as possible. It's much easier for me to be extreme than it is to be moderate. And I just have so much weight to lose and I don't care about treating my body well.

Nothing matters but thin.

Yesterday I went to the mall with friends and then we went out to dinner. I don't want to do anything to foster suspicion, so I ate heartily. I was at 48 hours without any food, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself for that. And I was able to go into the restroom and purge a good bit of it, but I know I didn't get it all. I really really need to stop purging. I think it's so disgusting and it messes my throat up. I need my voice for my job.

Then I spent the night with my boyfriend. I love sleeping with him, sleep is so much easier with a warm body against mine and arms around me. But he knows there's something going on with me and I just can't talk to him about this as much as I may want to.

This is where I hope my blog can help me. I need people who can support my decision and not try to make me eat. I need friends who won't judge me. I need a big distraction for when I get hungry.

I am an extrovert, I love people, talking, sharing, loving. I will be thrilled to lend support to anyone who needs it.

Talk to me; I need you, too.